Overcome

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she stood there, shivering,
although she wasn’t cold,
arms at her sides,
just as he’d asked,
fighting her natural urge
to cross her arms in front of her,
hiding her bulgy spots

hungry eyes admired her,
for much longer than she’d expected,
stripping her,
her nakedness far deeper than flesh

but, that voice in her head was so loud,
the one begging him,
hoping and wanting,
telling her what she needed,
pulling at her attention,
the attention he deserved

she didn’t know it,
but he intently watched
the struggle unfold within her,
welling in her eyes,
but refusing to release

he’d like to say he didn’t love it,
that forcing her to overcome herself
wasn’t so damn satisfying

but it was,
oh, God, it was,
for them both,
although it wasn’t always easy

nothing worth having is easy,
they say,
and she was worth the effort,
his everything,
so, he’d make her fight,
with a smile, even,
loving every minute of it

he’d lead her straight to him

kissing her with gentle lips,
down the nape of her neck
and across her shoulders,
he wound the jute,
‘round and ‘round and ‘round

the crazy thing was,
she wished in that moment
she could peel off her skin
and step out of it –
scream a guttural cry,
melt and allow herself to easily
be re-molded

for, who she was inside right then,
wasn’t who she was,
nor who she wanted to be –
not any more, dammit,
but she needed to
embrace that part of her,
quiet her

overcome her

the soft, suede flogger
struck her breasts,
again and again,
waxing and waning in strength,
in a rhythm all his own,
but never quite hard enough
to make her recoil,
which is what she loved
(needed, she thought)

that voice in her head
begged for more,
harder,
and harder,
please,
oh, please

oh, please,
break me

and he did,
he broke her

he broke her, not with force,
but when he looked into those teary eyes,
and did exactly what he wanted,
paying no attention
to what she thought she needed

and though it seemed completely
ass-backward from the outside looking in,
that was exactly what she needed,
to fit once again
in her skin

in his arms,
his

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A Step Further

Allowing things to develop organically and building a foundation of soul-deep trust has been necessary for us. That trust has a basis in communication that allows for the safest place for us to grow and evolve, one that doesn’t put our relationship at risk as we do. It is allows us the freedom to explore our desires and natures, and to build upon and expand them.

Over the last year or so, we’ve explored in ways I hadn’t ever imagined we would. M has done so much exploration within himself, has owned his unique dominance, and has grown and evolved so much. I’ve done the same in my surrender. We’ve shared all of this together, and it’s the been the most amazing process.

The trust and closeness that’s resulted has enabled us to find the courage to venture out into the community, and we have attended rope class and play parties over the past year. M does an incredible job keeping us at a pace that allows us the space to process, both individually and together. We don’t rush into anything, he would never allow it. We back off when we need to, and try new things when we’re ready.

Safe, sane, and consensual is necessaey – but we need a step further. We want to positively feed as well as protect our relationship beyond the immediate fun. That’s why we are on this journey in the first place! It’s the end goal, the forever goal. Period. So, we communicate through every activity, before, during, and after, with honesty. We discuss any possibly damaging scenarios ahead of time and never jump into any potentially damaging scenarios in the moment, which is he best policy for us. We also never agree to anything just to make the other happy. Yes, I trust him, I want to make him happy, and I wish to serve him, but I would NEVER engage in anything I thought would damage me or damage our relationship. Neither would he.

There isn’t a single act that’s worth that. Not one.

Sacred

Yesterday I wrote about experiencing a frenzy and honeymoon stage, and that our experience has been that the most profound and organic growth has happened in the time since that phase of things. That honeymoon was a necessary part of our awakening, but we had to slow and continue to allow for our relationship to be a priority in our lives amidst the bustle of normal life. That’s the only way it’s sustainable, and we both wish to live this deeply and vulnerably connected forever.

Living in this deeply vulnerable way fulfills us both in a way nothing else ever has – it’s our backbone. The only way to be truly loved is to be known, in my opinion, and that’s exactly what we are doing – allowing ourselves to be known and consistently making the effort to know one another. In doing so, M has been able grow in his unique leadership and I in my surrender, and we have had to constantly communicate and receive in order to know and be known. Profound isn’t even a word that summarizes the process. It’s not always easy but it’s worth every ounce of work.

Knowing M, being a part of his growth, and experiencing his evolution in our relationship mesmerizes me and fulfills me in the most soul-deep way. I asked for this, so I had to allow him to step up to the metaphorical plate, which included (still includes as we grow) him deciding what the plate looked like and me accepting the plate. That’s when the profound stuff happens. It’s truly magical.

Our growth and evolution has taken many forms, of which sexuality is one. We consistently communicate openly and vulnerably about ourselves and our sexual desires. For a long while, my desires and wants exceeded his – I’d had the time to read and think and it’s all I thought about for a long time. While M wasn’t blindsided, because we’d had some discussions, he also hadn’t had much exposure, and we weren’t as vulnerably open as we are now. Much of it was new to him and being so vulnerable was something we’d grown into and were still growing. Also, I wanted to sprint and he wanted to walk. I had to learn to walk, too, and trust in the process, in him. That’s what I’d signed up for!

We began to walk, together. There came a point where our desires seemed to even out, where we’d tried much of that initial pool of things on my ‘list’ as well as things from his as he grew and found what fit. We tried things in different ways, adding our own spin on it all, making it our own. We integrated it into life as life allowed. We allowed ourselves to settle into it, while continually talking about new things on the horizon. Sometimes new toys or new activities made their way into our repertoire. None of it was ever solely about sex – it was about our growth in these roles, in our evolution as a partnership, in our vulnerability and acceptance, and our open communication. It was about trust. I had to truly trust him to lead and walk alongside him, following him. He had to trust I’d speak up for myself and never lose that voice. The foundation of trust we have created is unbelievable, and absolutely necessary.

That trust lead to a level of comfort and freedom that has opened so many doors for us. M began to bring up for discussion lists of things I never imagined he desired. Hell, I wasn’t sure I did; I hadn’t considered many of them. They weren’t even on my radar. The tables turned while I walked alongside him, and it’s unreal. The feeling is unreal. I’m often awestruck. Now many of those things on that list are things in which we regularly engage. Some we’ve tried, some we have just began dipping our toes in the water, and others we may never try. Some are on my hard limit list. And this same process applies to the other areas of our lives, not just our sexuality. This will constantly evolve. That’s the best part!

The thing is, THIS is the feeling I dreamt of years ago. And it’s this simple place of walking at a pace that allows us to enjoy every moment of knowing one another, of evolution with M leading, of trust that allows us to explore our desires together.

It’s a sacred place, for which I’m grateful every day.

That’s Life

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I was the one who asked for us to take this journey – it was a logical next step for us. I proceeded to do a crazy amount of reading and research, and because my own personal journey was intertwined with this one, I’d had the time to think about it all. It’s all I thought about for a long time. M had to do all of that at his own pace and I had to allow for that. I had to offer him all I had to give while allowing for him to find what he desired, how he wished to lead, what he wished to ask for and receive. There was a period of rapid awakening in us both, doors being flung open and sheer excitement abound. It was a necessary part of the journey.

What we’ve found after more than four years, is that it was necessary for that to slow so we could get to the meat of things. So we could truly dive into the deep things that make us who we are, both individually and together. We found that in some instances I was expecting more of myself than he did, and I had to let go of those expectations of both myself and of him. In so many other instances, his desires and leadership have taken direction I never imagined, continue to do so, and I’m often challenged. In order to discover these things, we had to allow things to take their natural course amidst our daily lives, which include jobs, responsibilities, children, bills, home projects, sickness and surgeries, and on. That’s life: it doesn’t stop for us.

I believe the most profound and organic evolutions to our relationship have happened in the time since that frantic honeymoon phase. Settling in, trusting in one another, and having a dedication to continual growth and communication have been the catalyst. Trusting in our process has been the key, even when life seemingly works against us or it feels as though it’s slowing things or feeling stagnant.

Because, again, that’s life. It’s not all honeymoon and frenzy, and it takes every day commitment to the work of being in a deeply vulnerable relationship if it’s meant to be deep and vulnerable long-term. That’s where the most profound opportunities lie – in everyday life. In REAL life. That’s the only way this is sustainable for us – if we can customize it to work for us, everyday, amidst the bustle of everyday life, building a foundation for tomorrow, and not speeding to some fantastical end that misses out on so many opportunities to know one another. Because that’s the only way to see clearly the truest versions of ourselves, the best versions of ourselves.

-image via Tumblr

Elust 99

My poem Secret is included in Elust this month. Have a look a around!

 

Welcome to Elust 99

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #100 Start with the rules, come back November 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Private Eyes
Brittle
Lust Highway

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

I love a man in a suit
Church Smells, Beliefs and Fornication

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

The House Next Door

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Feelings about bisexuality
On scheduling sex
Reasons I Didn’t Orgasm That Aren’t About You

Erotic Non-Fiction

Wet on the Washer
Smack
Alice Takes a Spanking
The GP – Part Two

Erotic Fiction

Rope Tattoo
Poseidon
Taking the Lead
Rites of Passage ~ Part 4
Home
Spanking Desires
How Could I Resist
Summer Smoke
Angel on My Shoulder

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Marks are Memories on the Skin
Him. His cane
Being Naked
A Prickly Situation
Collars in bdsm: Where did they come from?

Poetry

Secret
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Sex News ,Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

“What Were You Wearing?”

Elust 88

Home

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This journey has taught me many unexpected things. What began as a journey of self discovery, morphed into one of relationship transformation for M and I. That shared journey, not just the past four years, but the last 25, has been a source of strength and support beyond measure. It’s one reason I am where I am today. Who I am.

I belong with M. There’s zero doubt. He’s my home. He’s my support, my shoulder, my lap, my love, my soulmate. But the thing I’ve learned on this journey that’s had the most impact is that I had to be my home before he could be. I had to belong to me. I had to own my own story, love all my selves, hope for my future, and believe in myself. Only then could I truly begin to offer my surrender on a level beyond anything I’d imagined, anything he’d imagined.

It sounds crazy – I needed to know I’d be ok with aloneness, with my ability to stand alone and be myself in order to be the most vulnerable, to be the most courageous in my giving to M. To truly surrender, and for us to do the hard work that makes this the most amazing, evolving partnership. It’s a sacred place.

It’s the place of true belonging.

-image via Pinterest

Don’t Save Me

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Don’t save me

Swooping in to fix things only robs me,
only serves to set me up to make the same mistakes,
to repeat the pattern,
to fail
myself

support me,
help to set me up for success,
say the hard things,
I can take it,
and don’t listen to my excuses

I need you to,
I’m counting on it

love me,
help me,
but don’t save me

help me save myself

Lost

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It’s easy to get lost in that gap between what you expect and what is reality. It’s easy to feel LOST and unsure. It’s easy to mourn the loss of the things that may never be, to hang on to those expectations and redefine them as needs. To tell yourself you can’t live without whatever would have come from those expectations playing out, even though their reality may look miles apart from what they look like in your mind. It’s easy to not see the beauty right in front of your face because you’re too busy being lost in the gap.

I know. I’ve felt all those things. Many times.

I think it’s easy to fall into this cyclical trap within D/s, especially when you’re the one who asked for this, if your personal growth tends to move at a much faster rate, at least initially, and there are love language differences to both understand and cater to. Add in a long history within the relationship, and there’s plenty to continuously stumble over, plenty of old thinking that creeps into expectations and you may not even know you’re doing it.

There are a few ways in which I’ve managed and diminished that lost feeling: honest and vulnerable communication, practicing patience and trust, and evaluating my own motives. The communication speaks for itself; it’s invaluable. The only way to be truly loved is to be known, so I must know myself, trust in my ability to search for and know my truth, and share that willingly. I must listen to, receive, and accept M’s truth, too.

I’ve had to be patient with myself, and understand that the world isn’t going to end, no matter how lost I’ve felt. I’ve had to have patience with M, and give him time and space for both understanding and putting belief and feeling into action. I have had to trust that he has our best interest at heart, always, and know that mistakes will be made.

Most importantly, in my humble opinion, is evaluating my motives, and challenging my perspective. Some things I initially believe I need, I do not. They are wants, and not necessity. Hanging on to those can create a very ugly place in my head that breeds resentment. This actually succeeds in diminishing my confidence in myself, and results in a snowball effect of sinking deeper into that pity party, causing me to question more things about us as a whole. It’s no good for anyone. Some things aren’t even fair to expect of another person, especially if the person just isn’t capable or willing, and they may not be healthy for either in the long run. Communicating is the only way to know.

Also, some things I believe I need, and think I’m not getting, are needs or wants that are actually being met, but I’m just not seeing them, because they don’t look the way I imagined they would, or I didn’t know M’s intent in his actions. Assumptions suck. Asking questions always helps; communicating always helps.

I’m not saying I can prevent myself from developing expectations, or never feel a gap between those expectations and reality. I’ll do those things again, I’m sure. But I don’t feel so lost; there’s comfort to be had in the knowing of myself and my truth, in our open communication, in my trust in M, and in practicing patience. And in enjoying the moments, in the here and now.

Break Me

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break me

make me,
give me no other choice,
pull me from within myself,
over and over,
as many times as it takes

take me,
with presence,
with words and eyes before fingertips,
have no mercy,
make me yours

consecrate me,
force me to focus all my energy,
give me but one purpose,
claim my devotion,
coaxing it all to the surface

overtake me,
push me to my limit, then beyond,
catch me, love me,
make me,
never forsake me

but, please, oh please

break me

Secret

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she is pure want;
she wants him more in this moment than she’s ever wanted anything

wrapping her legs around him,
all she wants is for him to do whatever pleases him;
she wants him to do it all

and he does,
he does what pleases him,
greedy, carnivorous, taking –
but she is greedy, too

you see,
that’s the secret he knows about her –
she is no different than he is;
she wants, she needs,
her blood boils just as much

its tangible, this not-so-secret,
it’s evident in the way he seems to be consuming her like he never has before:
hungrier, thirstier, more demanding,
as if he wishes to meet greed with more greed,
to coax it all to the surface into one consumous energy

and she can feel it, this coaxing,
in her blood, in the electric current connecting every neuron,
every square inch of her

placing her hand upon his chest,
reaching out as if to grasp his energy,
there is his heart, exposed,
right in the palm of her hand

he fucks her as if the world were about to end,
as if he could never get enough,
as if she were all he needed

whiskers tickle-scraping the soft skin of her neck,
she can feel the rhythmic heat inside him,
all that heat that also resides in her

she feeds his hunger, quenches his thirst,
melts into his every demand,
and finds a place inside her, so deep –
once secret, but no longer

he says her name in a growling moan,
and then she’s gone –
she’s shattered into pure energy,
absorbed into the smolder, that heat,
and she finds herself crying

the cold that once owned her rises to form a single sob,
as she arches her head back,
wrapping herself around him,
tighter still

that’s when she knows –
there is no way to measure this communion,
this transformation,
this living, growing thing that is both chaos and understanding –
no earthly scale will do

only hearts can feel and souls can know;
only theirs

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