I think I know how I feel.
At this point in my life, I’ve stripped most drama away and don’t care too much what people think. Last night, after that talk with my sister in law, I cared for a moment at least. I love her and we’re close. I was thinking to myself that she must think the whole D/s dynamic is ridiculous. I was also thinking that if she felt the way we feel she might not think it was so ridiculous. It was only later, after I thought about what she said that I felt fraudulent. Like maybe I’m identifying with this group of people, but I don’t belong. I know control/compliance is a spectrum and we all fall wherever it is we fall. I know I’ve become more compliant. I’ve released so much control. I’m not so sure I’m submissive in my actions all the time, or if I ever will be, but in my head that’s all I dream of.
Funny thing is, all day long at the Christmas function I noticed how well my husband and I navigate social settings now. There is an energy between us, an unspoken ‘knowing” feeling. I noticed how well we navigate one another, so in sync, a closeness so deep. I know we are moving in the right direction. Most days I feel like what we’re doing is how we should have been all along, or at least it’s how we’re meant to be. Other days it feels like a costume were just trying on.