We talked. He began.
He told me this time was different for him. He had a certain investment in it that maybe hasn’t been there before. He took great care in tying, knotting, making the gag. He took great care with me. The problem arose when he got disappointed in the way things went differently than he envisioned them in his head. So, as he talked, I realized he had prepared not only the physical things, but he had made an effort to prepare mentally for himself and for me too. (Heart is jumping in chest). His disappointment stemmed from him wanting it to happen for HIM as much as me. He was taking pride and feeling worth in his actions, in his ability to please me, in himself. (Heart is doing backflips now).
This may have been the most difficult talk for me since the start of this. This singular experience was so difficult, I sort of shut down inside for a bit. I had to explain to him the vulnerability I felt being bound, etc. and going through the feelings/emotions I experienced throughout the situation. They were not all good, at a certain point, things didn’t go well this time. I was afraid to hurt him, but I was honest. This particular experience was different right from the start: it felt different, things progressed differently, and ended differently. I’m not sure I can explain this.
What a learning experience, a difficult one, but I think we needed it. I told him I don’t doubt him. I have faith in him and trust him. I always will. He said, “I didn’t used to (have faith in himself). I don’t know what’s changed. I’ve changed, I know I won’t fail you. I used to worry I’d fail. Now I know I won’t.” And I knew he meant I’d never see him as a failure, that he has enough confidence to see himself as a success simply in the trying. Maybe something has clicked after all.
I think it’s important to mention too that we came up with some strategies or ways to help communicate better during our experiences. Together. We BOTH had ideas. Also, we’ve been working on improving our relationship for a LONG time. We didn’t just flip a switch and suddenly have the ability to communicate well. However, since the start of this, things between us have “clicked” like never before.