I know it’s not a good idea to continuously over-analyze things, I really do. However, I was unhappy with myself for SO many years and now that I’m happier than I’ve ever been, I’d like to continue the happy. So, occasionally, I realize my motive for something might be negative and I ruminate on it a bit. Recently, I was worrying about why I might enjoy pain. It might sound silly to even care, but I saw a pattern emerging, one that is difficult to share.

When I started thinking about why I might enjoy pain, I wondered if it might be because I feel like I deserve it. Maybe I deserve to be punished, not for any current infraction, but for past mistakes, regrets, for being a bad person, making poor decisions, and on and on. Punishment for being me. I thought this might be true because I began to make some connections with the experiences we’d had thus far. Looking back, even the very first time he truly spanked me with more than hands, I wanted it to hurt. It had been a difficult day with my family (mom + sisters = crazy), I felt guilt and anger and hurt after being with them. Mostly, I couldn’t stop thinking about him and the spanking. I had anxiety that it might NOT happen, not that it would. Another example was after I posted the first part of my story. I put to words all that ugliness and guilt and shame. Then, I wanted it to hurt. I wanted it to hurt until I cried (or something, I just wanted more, a lot more). He tried, but I did not, I wasn’t even close.

Staying healthy and happy is important to me, I don’t ever want to go back to stuffing things away and ignoring my issues. Occasionally, I need to be sure my motives are healthy ones. After much thought, I realize it might be pretty simple: I like it, it clears my head, I don’t have to think and can just feel, it’s grounding and freeing and cathartic, and it’s consensual, end of story. I’ll be aware if it feels like it’s going to a bad place. I think I’m self-aware enough for that now.

There’s an honest peek into my twisted, over-analyzing brain. Sometimes it’s just exhausting, but in the end, it usually pays off.

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