The Way We Cut It

Yesterday, my 12 year old daughter floored me with a question. And then another. Seriously, I was not prepared.

In order to understand, here is our story on the subject: My husband and I decided we are going to live our lives without hiding everything about D/s from our girls. We are happy and that’s what we want them to see. How we go about sustaining our happiness is important, too, and we feel they need to see respect and teamwork, that’s what matters most. I make decisions for the girls, it would be impossible not to, I’m a parent. He makes decisions, too. There are things my husband and I decide together. We back each other and support one another. This hasn’t changed much. Except, he has the final say in anything he so chooses. He also controls the money.

Last night, he chose and my daughters heard. I was taking my daughter shopping (oh, god, please shoot me – bra shopping with a 12 year old – it’s bad enough for just me) and I suggested a certain store. She didn’t want to go there first and said so. My husband wanted something from said store, so he looked at me and told me to go there first. It was a directive, not a request. It was polite and respectful, but he didn’t ask.

On the way to the car, my daughter tried to convince me we didn’t need to go to that store. I said we did, end of story. I even tried to make it sound fun, like it was a great idea. When we got into the car, she said, “Since when did we start doing exactly what Dad says all the time?” I paused. I was frantically trying to construct the perfect answer. My daughter is smart, people, wicked smart. I better have a damn good answer that makes sense, because this is the precedent. There is no back-pedaling or changing my mind. I have ONE SHOT to get this right. As I was thinking, she reminded me she hadn’t asked a rhetorical question. Oh, god, she is so like me it’s ridiculous. Eery even. I laughed a little, then asked if she wanted the truth. She said, “Not really. Usually the truth means all that touchy-feely stuff and I don’t want to talk about any of that.” I assured her she’d only have to listen. I ignored her sneer, then I told her I was unhappy with myself for a long time, with the choices I made. I didn’t respect Dad’s opinion as much as I should have and tried to control a lot of things I didn’t want to control anymore. Now, when he asks me to do something, I want to do it because I care and I respect him. Do you know what she said??? She said, “I’m in Advance Placement Language Arts, Mom. I’m fairly certain he didn’t ask. He didn’t say, ‘Could you?’, he said, ‘I want you to.’ That was a command.” Holy SHIT!!! Now what the fuck do I say??? After a few deep breaths, I just reiterated the fact that I didn’t give him the respect he deserved in the past and I listen to him now, he knows it and expects it. And, I really want to, it makes me happy. I’ll keep wanting to. Thank The Flying Spaghetti Monster, she let it go. And, we continued on with the most painful shopping experience of my life.

I imagine she’ll be asking more questions at some point. The truth is my best bet, I could never lie to her. She’d know anyway, and what would that do to our relationship? I will tell her what she is capable of understanding, no more, no less. She deserves that. She’ll also always know that my way or our way is one way to do it, it’s not the only way. She’ll have our encouragement and support to make her own choices. Always.

I wonder when #2 will pick up on it? She’s younger, so it may not be something she even notices. It may seem like the norm for her, because she may not recognize the difference as much. She’ll hear the truth, too, if she asks, in an age appropriate way. She’ll get the same love and support for her choices and encouragement to do things her way.

We are not experts, but we are confident in our choices. Love, respect, humor, teamwork, confidence, responsibility – that’s what our girls will see everyday. I’d say that’s a good foundation, any way you cut it.

Foreplay

As I’m doing the dishes last night, he calls my name from behind me. So, I turn around toward him, and he uses the dish towel to snap my private parts, all of them. Repeatedly. Hard. I giggle, maybe say, “Ouch,” a few times, although it didn’t really ‘hurt’. Then, it’s a game, and he keeps going, harder and harder, laughing hysterically and dancing around the kitchen to keep getting the right angle. I stop trying to get away and I’m laughing too, because, evidently, this is foreplay, now. And, it kinda feels good.

He’s So Convincing

Yesterday, my hair was unruly. Actually, during this in-between stage, it’s usually unruly. The curls go everywhere and it feels like a giant, brown football helmet most days, one I want to take off. Except, last night, as I looked down at him from on top, my hair bouncing around and curls flopping over my eyes, he reaches up, slides his hands into it and says, “I love your hair.” And, I can’t help but love it, too.

I Melt

After we talk about our rules, he leads us to the bedroom. I am already so aroused, simply from our talk and the allure of his growing control that I eagerly follow, my hand engulfed in his, and I feel how quickly my heart is beating. His investment is irresistible. It is all coming together in a way we never expected and I’m overwhelmed. By the time we make it upstairs, I am void of all thought, I simply breathe. Those first few words he speaks into my ear seep into me and take root, giving me the chills. His slightest touch causes me to quiver and my breath to catch. I am focused on only him, I have no choice, he consumes me. The neck kisses are my complete undoing. I am surrender and desire. I am his canvas, ready and willing.

He binds my wrists together, unexpectedly with a tie, and hooks it to the mattress system clip in the corner. The gag slips carefully over my head and into my mouth. He controls the rest of me with his hands and body and words. He moves with purpose, and our eyes lock with a look they’ve never shared before, not like this. Something has changed. There is something more. Or, maybe something less, I don’t quite know. The things he says, the sounds he makes, the way he pushes his forehead onto mine as he speaks or gasps or moans, oh, god. I melt. Into him.

Rule Review #1

Before we began with D/s in our lives, somewhere along the way, I think we became predictable. We had settled into a way of living that was loving and comfortable, but not passionate. Last night, we reviewed our rules for the first time and he surprised me. His behavior really never surprised me until we began living this way. He doesn’t always reveal his thought processes in this, and I don’t expect him to. So, last night, when we spoke about the rules, I was very surprised at some of the things he said, some of the things he revealed. Surprised and aroused.

We knew when we began that the rules would be there as guidelines, but that he would begin to exert his control in ways he felt comfortable, when he was comfortable. I’ve seen him become more and more comfortable and exert his control in ways I hadn’t imagined he would. Well, maybe I imaged or hoped he would, but I didn’t really know how I’d react or what it would look or feel like. I wanted him to do these things in theory, but seeing him actually do them is much different. For example, he will be stern in a conversation if he sees I’m rambling or the discussion needs to end. He calls to remind me to do things he’s asked me to do or to add something to my list. He expects his coffee in the morning, made just right. He has even reminded me if I’ve forgotten something, making sure I know it was my responsibility (and he is reminding me he could institute a punishment if he chose, but the disappointment is punishment enough!). Of course, there’s so much more and for all of it, I am so grateful. I’m caught off guard at times, but in the best possible way, even if I don’t like it at the time, because I know he’s right. His confidence makes me proud…..and it’s hot. Really hot. Passion is there, all the time, in every interaction, more than ever before.

As we talked about the rules, He had me take a turn telling him what I’ve been happy with and revealing anything I’d like to change or add. I shared with him ways I’d like to improve myself. When I finished, he told me any change he’d like to see had to do with him. He said there are many more ways he’s going to begin to exert more control, and he’s figuring out the right balance. I was surprised. He even gave a few examples, which surprised me, again. Now, I’m squirming a little, because I realize he’s saying he spends time thinking about how to evolve, how to continue to make this work best for us. He feels responsibility. He feels the control is his to balance. And, my heart was bursting. It still is.

Own Me

The ottoman, it’s unintended use
Same with that stirring paddle, not stirring
And that length of rope, binding me, not things
Anticipation in the air between us

Fingers, not so soft
Trace soft lines on my skin
That paddle twitching in your hand
Oiled and slick like me

Wood on skin
Again and again
A symphony of gasps and cracks
The only music that calms me

More, please
Sir, to me
M——-on the outside
My love all the time

Now, I’m peaked, ready
For only you
Fuck me like you own me
Because you do

You do.

Girls Weekend

I’m having a wonderful time with the girls. I promised myself I wouldn’t lie or dance around the truth if we all talked about our relationships. Of course, the topic came up early on Friday. So, I was honest. My two closest friends weren’t shocked at all, in fact one of them is a little kinky! The others? Well, I saw one shocked (disapproving?) face, but I was still honest. They are a very accepting bunch, I’m lucky to have such good friends.

I’m On a Roll

Yesterday, I told my youngest sister about how we live. I’d eluded to some of our way of living in the past, but mostly about how I’ve changed and the process by which we even got this far. Now she knows it all, minus labels. I even told her I’d started a blog and connected with others who live this way (or similarly).

Later in the evening, I got my hair done. The stylist asked why I hadn’t gotten it cut the last couple times, if there was a reason I was growing it out. I told her because my husband wanted me to and I wanted to make him happy. Then she asked me about my nose piercing. I told her he wanted me to do that too, and I wanted to do it for him. A salesperson called today to ask if we wanted to buy something. I told him I couldn’t tell him, because my husband is in charge of the money.

Bring it on, people. I’m not so shy anymore. I’m pretty proud, actually.

D/s for Dummies

Sometimes, when I doubt myself, I do wish there was an easy step by step manual on which to build a framework. Then, I realize my husband is leading us in the right (our) direction, every time, and no manual could possibly teach that.

The other day, we had a misunderstanding. My husband was not feeling well, so we tabled the discussion until the next day. The talk was easy and fruitful, like usual. After the discussion, I realized I’ve learned some very important things about us, both from this discussion and looking back on others. I thought if I organized my thought and insights, I could keep from repeating silly mistakes and give myself some helpful reminders or goals.

1. I definitely prefer more attention than I ever have. It’s my own feelings about this that are sometimes negative, not his. Get over it.

2. He is instinctively doing just what he should be doing, what feels comfortable and what is working for us. I am very proud of him and I appreciate what he’s doing more than he’ll ever know. I tell him and show him often, but I need to make an effort to do more of that.

3. I cry sometimes when we talk. When this happens, he looks upset with me and I feel as if I’ve done something wrong and I feel weak and silly. I learned from him that he feels protective, not upset, and feels like he should be doing something to help stop the distress or that he is the cause of the distress. I need to make it clear that’s not the case, I’m just opening the ‘overflow valve’ (an awesome friend called it that, good description) and it’s okay to let me cry.

4. I’m not always clear in what I’d like from him when I’m asking for help. He needs to know when I’m looking for support and encouragement as opposed to asking him to do something for me, so I need to be clear. We need to continue to communicate well in order to balance who does what, because things can get chaotic with kids and the potential for conflict is greater without it. We are going to try a better schedule and he’s going to help keep me accountable (not with punishment). If I get overwhelmed, I procrastinate, which backs things up and affects everyone else. I don’t want to overwhelm him, and I believe that could happen, so I need to be efficient.

5. In the absence of communication, I worry. I need to keep any negative thoughts or feelings at bay until we are able to talk. That. Is. Difficult. I often feel I’ve done something wrong or he’s unhappy with me in some way. Or, I question the way we are doing things. Thus far, every single hang up is cleared up easily. Very easily, actually. I need to remember that.

6. It is okay for him to have a bad day! I hold him in such high regard, it seems so unlikely to happen, but it does. I take his attitude very personally, as if it were my fault. It’s not my fault.

7. He may not fully realize the nature of submissiveness, the vulnerability, the way in which I revolve my world around him. I think he’s getting it more and more. I tried to explain it again when we talked. There is a complete shift in my conceptual framework, all barriers are gone. That’s difficult to explain, but I try. He sees all the changes in my behavior and attitude, and may not fully understand the depth of it, but he’s trying. I’m also realizing just how much of what he’s doing is stuff he was trying to do all along, I just never let him. Now that I am, he is flourishing and developing.

8. Silence is a hard limit for me. Ending a conversation is fine, but complete silence is not.

9. Sometimes my work is mind-less and I feel very under challenged. I need to do something about this. It affects other parts of my life. Must. Use. My. Brain. Otherwise, the tornadoes inside threaten to strengthen and escape.

10. I love that even if I’m afraid of the answers, I’m not afraid to ask the questions and get to the root of an issue. This is surprisingly easy to do when we talk. There hasn’t been anything we’ve not been able to talk about. Keep talking.

I love the way we are living. We’ve learned to appreciate so much about one another, things in which we’d taken for granted or might have taken longer to recognize otherwise. Now, we see those things each day.

Top Ten Things I’ve Learned About Weight Loss and Sex

I will preface this list by saying this is my own personal experience. I chose to lose weight for the health benefits and I’ve seen the results. I encourage any woman to feel comfortable in her own skin, just as she is.

1. Sex can help lose weight. It is a physical act, it feels good, leads to better feelings about self, spouse (significant other), which leads to more sex and more loss. A delicious never-ending cycle.

2. I feel sexy. There’s an immense satisfaction in setting a goal, achieving it, and seeing the results. It makes me feel powerful and sexier.

3. The dips and curves of a woman’s body are erotic and beautiful. He loves my dips and curves.

4. Confidence is sexy.

5. Sexy undergarments make him want to unwrap me like a gift. I feel sexy in them, like I have a secret meant for two. Every woman deserves them.

6. I wear my imperfections with pride. My body has marks that come with age, childbearing, etc. and they make me who I am.

7. My body moves with ease, both in and out of the bedroom. In the bedroom, I’m having the time of my life.

8. Because I’m more confident, I want to do more, try more, I fantasize more…..just more. I no longer worry about what I look like in any position, I just want to know if it feels good (and when can we do it again?).

9. My (extremely) positive attitude about sex has increased my pleasure during the act. My body responds in a wickedly positive way and it’s fucking amazing.

10. I’m up for having sex whenever possible. It’s often possible with a little effort, even with kids and responsibilities. It’s worth the effort.