We’ve noticed things have slowed down, no more frenzy of information. As they’ve slowed down, I’ve noticed something, especially after an issue we had yesterday – I think we are teetering right now, on the edge of something, or maybe even hitting a plateau where we feel things out for a bit. I have no doubt he is just as invested as I am. But, I think there has been a barrier all this time, in his head. He’s had difficulty accepting the service, the skew in power in certain circumstances. Anything that feels like servitude instead of attentiveness feels uncomfortable to him. It’s one reason I’m not supposed to call him Sir. He feels it implies my servitude in a way he’s uncomfortable with. I know he has trouble asking me for things he feels he can do himself (he says so), so I’ve been trying to be attentive and ask or just do these things all the time, making it easier for him to accept. I think maybe he even has some difficulty accepting the responsibility or asserting his control in areas having to do with maintaining my happiness (something for my own good that I may not like). Before, he was always afraid to piss me off. Now, he’s afraid to hurt my feelings, I think. I’ve never let him be responsible for me before, I always pushed him away, and now there is no push at all. Maybe it’s too much for him to deal with right now. Maybe he feels I shouldn’t need to lean on him so much. It’s definitely something we need to hash out. My barrier relates to communication. I struggle with it every day. The line between communicating openly and undermining his control is a foggy one. I’m conflicted all the time about whether I should bring up an issue or be patient and see how it goes, trusting it will work itself out. Wondering how whichever decision I make will impact our future. I’ve been trying to simply be quiet. To allow for him to feel valued and appreciated instead of filling all the silence with mindless words. Except, what if they are valid concerns, not mindless words? He tells me to talk to him, but sometimes I know I just need to shut up. Sometimes I know I’m too sensitive and need to get over it on my own. This is difficult stuff to figure out.
While this D/s stuff is pretty new to us, these issues are not. Some of this was set in motion months before we ever officially started this 24/7 business. Even so, to sit back and truly trust and let it all go, that’s huge for me. I spent my entire life trying to hold it all together, create some kind of safety net. Alone, even when I wasn’t alone. Now, in a matter of months, that old safety net is completely gone (it wasn’t working anyway) and I have to trust that this new one will always be there. I know we are on the right path, there’s no doubt. But, sometimes, I can’t look down…..
Tonight, I’m sure we’ll talk. We have an issue to work out and it’s tied in to all this stuff I’ve mentioned here. I’m a little anxious about it – I’m confident we’ll get somewhere, I’m just not sure where (see, gotta let go).