My husband is my hero. He got a shot today to help him move and walk and manage his pain. The thing is, he is really used to this and doesn’t seem bothered. I never really let it bother me much before, I accepted it as a part of our lives. Why does it hurt so much now? I don’t know, but it does. More than ever.
I know I worry about him, about how he feels inside about his health. How he worries about his mobility and ability to take care of us in he future. How he weighs his choices in what he does with his body. He hides his worry well, but I see it. I feel it. It’s hitting hard right now. Before, I think I thought he needed me to be strong, to not get emotional about it, to help him be strong. Maybe that was partly true. Maybe it was the easy way for me to deal with it all.
Now, I think I’m really internalizing the breadth of what he goes through – I saw it and felt it before, but it was easier to pretend and hope he was going to be okay. We’d talk sometimes, but he doesn’t like to dwell on it. He still doesn’t, but his feelings are so much more evident to me now and he’s more outwardly honest about them. And, no matter how strong and positive we are, they are heavy sometimes, for the both of us. I’m not so sure I can be that strong anymore. I don’t feel strong. At all.
I am desperate for reassurance from him. That feels selfish.
No matter what, I am here for him. I always will be.