Recently, I wrote a post called Stop Her, where I described my fear of slipping back into that old, controlling, insecure self. I expressed a hope that he’d see her and stop her if she surfaces. Not long after, I wrote I Need You and described my fear of needing his attention, a lot of it. Of needing his assurance and praise to feel worth and value, to reassure me that he’s right here. My fear was/is that I repeatedly cycle into a place in my head where I doubt him, me, us and spin and spin, until it’s a tangled mess in there.
I still do it. I still try to control by deflecting, I still need assurance. My head still spins. I create this whirling, crazy mess of doubt and worry out of nothing at all. It begins with a single thought, one small insecurity. I find a fault in the way we are doing things. Then, it spirals into some out of control anxiousness that we’ll lose what we have, that we’ll fade away again. Maybe I’ll sabotage it. What if he decides it’s not for us? Maybe our needs are not going to mesh. What if I keep testing and controlling? Maybe he’ll get tired of fighting for us. What if? Maybe? Oh, my god what just happened? Where did I go? What happened to us? I’m lost….we’re lost….
Except I’m not. We’re not. When I stop spinning I see. But, for a while, it’s not at all clear.
I know he’s right here. He’s always been here, supporting me. I have 20 years of proof. Yet, despite his stability and security and sureness, I have this voice of doubt lurking in there. I struggle. I worry and push – I do this by doubting. By refusing to be happy with this dynamic he’s helped create for us. It’s not fair, it’s selfish. He is wonderful, attentive, caring and the most impressive leader. I’m amazed and awed every day.
I’m so tired of cycling and struggling against my own will. I am going to figure out how to slow down this whirling dervish of a brain I have. I will, he’s worth it.