Why?

Thursday
Tuesday
Saturday

Those are the days in the last week and a half in which I’ve broken a rule.

I actually thought about what I was doing when I did it – I knew there was a possible need for me to ask or there was gray area. I rationalized. I doubted. I did it anyway.

I disappointed him and I’m disappointing myself. Punishment is so hard on him too – I hate to make him feel that way, It’s so selfish and unfair of me. This part is so difficult too – do we talk about it or do I simply accept whatever he says? We talk though everything, but when is it time to shut up and just do? We don’t just spank for every rule infraction. That would’t be effective here.

I also question what I’m doing. I’m an analyzer. I can’t just say ‘oops’ and move on. It’s not that easy.

Am I resisting? I want it so bad in my head, but when faced with it, is the reality scary?
Am I trying to maintain a shred of control?
Am I just being human and screwing up/making mistakes?
I’m unsure of a few things not having to do with us – is my insecurity manifesting in this way?

Why, when we are so happy, would I do this? We’ve done SO MUCH talking and sorting and communicating lately and it’s all been so helpful and wonderful. I feel so…..I don’t know.

I will say this…this last consequence…whoa. It hit home. Big time.

10 thoughts on “Why?

  1. Girl… I can’t even imagine what it is that you did that was that bad. But rules are there for a reason… I think it was on Wild West Angels blog the other day someone wrote ” rules are love” , and that’s a great thing to think about when you find yourself in that “do I, or don’t I” situation.

  2. Could be any of those things, could be all of them. Bottom line is communicate and try to be better going forward.

    Don’t beat yourself up. The point of punishment is to deal with it, put it to bed and be able to move past it.

    None of us are perfect.

    And rules are love is from me… it’s what I tell Angel. That’s how I look at rules and even punishment.

    Surround yourself in his love.

    XX

  3. Ironically, kiddo & I were just talking about rules yesterday. She said I was the better parent because i set limits and her father doesn’t. Here I thought she preferred his way.

  4. It’s never as simple as all that, is it. When you find yourself at that point where you know you’re about to break a rule… what to do. It is none of my business but it seems to me that you either don’t want to rely on others, or thought it no big deal to use your autonomy in this one little instance.

    I don’t know your situation but it seems to me that these are the very moments when you need to be calling daddy for help, letting him figure out what you should do. That’s what he’s there for and what you expect of him when you do get to a point that you simply don’t know what to do – not because of a rule but because you don’t have any clue. These are opportunities to relax and practice that simple thing – ask for help.

    I’m pretty sure that you’ll get the help you need.

    • Wow.

      It isn’t always simple. It was both, I think. But the asking for help/relying on others…..I think that plays the biggest part. I’m not so good at that. To relax and practice that simple thing…..that’s beautiful….and so very true. He wants to help, I know this. It’s my hang up, not his.

      Thank you, so much.

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