Those are the days in the last week and a half in which I’ve broken a rule.
I actually thought about what I was doing when I did it – I knew there was a possible need for me to ask or there was gray area. I rationalized. I doubted. I did it anyway.
I disappointed him and I’m disappointing myself. Punishment is so hard on him too – I hate to make him feel that way, It’s so selfish and unfair of me. This part is so difficult too – do we talk about it or do I simply accept whatever he says? We talk though everything, but when is it time to shut up and just do? We don’t just spank for every rule infraction. That would’t be effective here.
I also question what I’m doing. I’m an analyzer. I can’t just say ‘oops’ and move on. It’s not that easy.
Am I resisting? I want it so bad in my head, but when faced with it, is the reality scary?
Am I trying to maintain a shred of control?
Am I just being human and screwing up/making mistakes?
I’m unsure of a few things not having to do with us – is my insecurity manifesting in this way?
Why, when we are so happy, would I do this? We’ve done SO MUCH talking and sorting and communicating lately and it’s all been so helpful and wonderful. I feel so…..I don’t know.
I will say this…this last consequence…whoa. It hit home. Big time.