I imagine myself in M’s shoes all the time. I wonder what it must be like to be given control after so many years of taking the path of least resistance. Of feeling unnoticed or unheard or butting heads. I pretended to be in control for many, many years. He was used to expecting me to be, even counted on me to be. I’m still me and in many ways I am and will always be strong, independent, in control. But, in many ways I never was, it was a facade, and that facade is gone. Some of those feelings that were exposed are unfamiliar and still make me uneasy. At the same time, I was used to him getting out of the way, at some point at least, or pushing until he did. Now, I’m trying to make his path as easy as possible, but I know I get in our way sometimes. M is working out how to balance it all, to figure out his parameters, how to communicate his wants and needs and I know that feels heavy sometimes. I’m finding the same is true for me.
We have had and still have so much unlearning to do as we learn. Getting rid of old habits and ways of doing things that weren’t working. We are doing a fine job and have come so very far in a short amount of time. But, it can be a little overwhelming at times – especially the part where we let go and go with the flow and stop analyzing and trust that we are prepared for whatever the future holds. We stumble. We get hung up on things, sometimes for a while. We even backpedal at times. Sometimes communicating gets very difficult, because it takes time to uncover the root of an issue. This takes patience and talking and honesty and even tears. Sometimes it takes some shutting up. It takes practice, lots of it.
We’ll be over here, practicing.