Not all that long ago, I completely stopped asking for or suggesting sex. Not that I don’t express my desire and joke and touch him and things, because I do. A lot. Not all that long ago, I completely stopped asking for or suggesting sex. Not that I don’t express my desire and joke and touch him and things, because I do. A lot. I just don’t ask him if we can have sex. I don’t suggest or recommend bedroom activities.
This was an important step for us, and for me especially. It was one area where I felt myself still trying to hold on to some control, and I needed to let go. I needed to trust him with the reigns and trust my needs would be met. We’ve introduced many things and I needed to step back and see where he’d take us. Allow him alone to decide and explore and find his way, too. I haven’t been disappointed. In fact, I’m so unbelievably surprised and proud. A little at a time, he’s been exploring some interests and he’s not been hesitant at all to incorporate them. He’s been doing so more and more. I’m in heaven.
Now, since we went camping, something’s changed. It’s subtle, but I feel it, and it’s wonderful. It more than wonderful, whatever that is.
While we camped, M snuck moments alone with me and even then, I could feel the power and joy he felt in having that control, in my total compliance and submission. It was more than that – he was exploring his interests more in depth, too.
Remember not long ago, when I said that my body responds to M in ways it never has before? Well, he takes great pride in that. It fuels him. When I close my eyes, I can see the smile and power and pride on his face and in his eyes as he elicits specific responses from me. That’s what he did over the weekend. In small bursts of time, he controlled every single response.
Then, Monday, oh god. He was a fury of desire and control and just, I don’t know, bursting with it. The words he used, the way he moved and moved me, his touch – it was so powerful. As if the control he’s had all along was emphasized, growing, and evolving. More than ever before.
Tuesday night, I was made to watch the soccer game with him. I knew something was up when he told me I was going to LOVE watching soccer after this. A beautiful harness with a crotch knot was used along with a couple other things, and rules were devised about activity I must engage in during certain occurrences in the game. The first half – it was the longest 45 minutes of my life. I can manage control I didn’t know I had, simply because he demands it. The second half was…..unreal. He can take me to places I didn’t know were possible. Very easily, he can take me to a place where I no longer have any control at all. None. All the while, my mind is completely focused only on him controlling me. And, that out of control feeling, watching and feeling him truly being himself, it’s like nothing else. It’s like a drug.
He’s even begun to make new, stricter rules, ones that further limit any possible control I might have in the bedroom. Ones that require great self control on my part. I love them.
Wanna know the biggest realization of all? Letting go and trusting him to meet my needs has been more fulfilling than any suggestion I ever made. Trusting him, communicating with him and watching him take us to all these spectacular places – it’s indescribable.
I’m in awe. I can’t even imagine where it will go. The endless possibilities.