Many aspects of D/s have been a natural flow for us; we were already doing them without even noticing or giving it a name. Other aspects have met roadblocks in my brain along the way – a gesture or act which just feels odd or gives me an uneasy feeling. Some of my beliefs and preconceived notions about things get in the way. Kneeling was one act of submission which left me feeling apprehensive. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.
Kneeling is not a familiar position for me with a partner. Kneeling has always been a private thing, a position of devotion, not necessarily to a god, but one of reverence to the devotion itself. Devotion is my time for reflection, time alone to gather my thoughts, work things through in my head and make peace with myself. A position of offering, kneeling has provided an outlet for my innermost thoughts and feelings, whether it is a tumultuous time or one of joy. Many times, it is a position of penance, where I’m able to seek resolve within myself. I’ve always been my most vulnerable at this moment, on my knees, alone.
I would NEVER have knelt before a man in the past. Ever. In my mind, what a sign of weakness this would be. To be so vulnerable with another person was unacceptable, silly even. I didn’t choose men who, in my estimation, deserved that sort of reverence or respect. Now, kneeling has taken on new meaning. M devotes his life to making me happy, to making me feel safe and loved and cherished. This man, to whom I devote my life, deserves the reverence and respect I possess in every ounce of my being. So, I kneel before him. I am vulnerable, devoting, offering, and resolved with him. I’ve never felt less alone.