For whatever reason, when we be began this journey, I was able to peel off all my armor right away and I’m so exposed, all the time. I like it, don’t get me wrong, it feels so much more natural than carrying all that armor and defense around all the time. But, I don’t really even have the ability to lock my feelings away for long periods of time any more. I can sit on something for a while, until I can get a grasp on what it is I’m feeling and try to figure out why, but then it just stews. I can’t hold it. I feel compelled to share it with M. Herein lies the problem. M is new at this, too. He doesn’t move at lightening speed. We have always operated on different speeds. I make up my mind and I do. I figure out and move. And move. He thinks, charts possible paths, thinks some more, tries a few things on for size. Me moves, a little. And a little. I’m not saying one way is right and another is wrong, they are simply different.
This single issue has caused us the most strife. I don’t expect him to move at my pace, that wouldn’t be fair. At the same time, if we make a decision, I feel neglected and forgotten if I wait and wait and wait and don’t see it come to fruition. That’s not to say he isn’t working up to it, I’m just in the dark.
Here’s the thing. I KNOW I’M SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE DARK. I gave him control. I’m not leading. Yet, I just want to know he’s not forgotten. So, I get this tangled brain syndrome. I figure out it’s because the waiting is crushing me and I just want to know he still cares about what we talked about and decided. I hold on to that for a while, until it just stews. But then, the sharing my feelings about it – it looks a lot like pushing. Or topping from the bottom, or whatever you want to call it. That’s the affect it has, too. Then, I wonder if I should have stuffed those feelings away.