Cycle. Repeat.

For whatever reason, when we be began this journey, I was able to peel off all my armor right away and I’m so exposed, all the time. I like it, don’t get me wrong, it feels so much more natural than carrying all that armor and defense around all the time. But, I don’t really even have the ability to lock my feelings away for long periods of time any more. I can sit on something for a while, until I can get a grasp on what it is I’m feeling and try to figure out why, but then it just stews. I can’t hold it. I feel compelled to share it with M. Herein lies the problem. M is new at this, too. He doesn’t move at lightening speed. We have always operated on different speeds. I make up my mind and I do. I figure out and move. And move. He thinks, charts possible paths, thinks some more, tries a few things on for size. Me moves, a little. And a little. I’m not saying one way is right and another is wrong, they are simply different.

This single issue has caused us the most strife. I don’t expect him to move at my pace, that wouldn’t be fair. At the same time, if we make a decision, I feel neglected and forgotten if I wait and wait and wait and don’t see it come to fruition. That’s not to say he isn’t working up to it, I’m just in the dark.

Here’s the thing. I KNOW I’M SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE DARK. I gave him control. I’m not leading. Yet, I just want to know he’s not forgotten. So, I get this tangled brain syndrome. I figure out it’s because the waiting is crushing me and I just want to know he still cares about what we talked about and decided. I hold on to that for a while, until it just stews. But then, the sharing my feelings about it – it looks a lot like pushing. Or topping from the bottom, or whatever you want to call it. That’s the affect it has, too. Then, I wonder if I should have stuffed those feelings away.

Cycle. Repeat.

12 thoughts on “Cycle. Repeat.

    • I wasn’t too bent out of shape this time, but I really appreciate your support. It is that I’m holding on to the reins a bit, but it gets more and more comfortable and freeing to keep letting go. For him, too, you’re right. Thanks, Jane!

    • It’s a difficult balance, but I think how we go about asking or sharing our concerns makes all the difference. I’m going to be very aware of how I go about it!

  1. I don’t think that you have to be “100% in the dark” if it is not working for you. Perhaps some communication through M’s thinking process is called for~
    If Master knows that His timeline for decision upsets me, He makes an effort to guide me through. He doesn’t leave me like a mushroom without light. I think your “team” can figure something out if this is a constant issue.

  2. I think it will come with time. Seems to be the same with us. Every time i think he’s forgotten about something, he comes through even better than I could have expected. And with each success, i relax a little more. Breathe….trust.

    • I think you’re right. I’m happy you relax a little more each time….it’s the same with me. It’s taken time, but I’m relaxing more and more. Thanks, HS9!

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