More Than a Dress

Since 1994, I’ve worn a dress 4 times – once for my own wedding and the other 3 times as a bridesmaid. I tolerated the wedding dress, but all others I hated. I hated the way they looked, the way they felt, the way I had to pay attention to how I sat and bent over. I was very overweight and self-conscious every second they were on my body. Dresses were not for me.

Friends of ours are getting married soon and it’s an upscale function and I needed something to wear. I thought I’d give dresses a try again. Yesterday, M took me dress shopping………and I can’t stop thinking about it.

At the store, I gathered up several dresses in my size and took them to the dressing room. M sat in the ‘man chair’ just outside the room, waiting. I slipped into the first one (that’s not true, I wrestled it WWE style until I got it on right), then nervously walked out to show him. The look on his face….the way his eyes lit up….the genuine surprise and…..something else I’ve never seen before….it brought tears to my eyes. All I could do was stand there for him and smile. This same scenario repeated for each dress I tried on. He LOVED choosing for me. He loved asking me to turn around, to walk for him, to try a certain one on again. It was one of the most erotic and connecting moments we’ve ever had.

I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect that. I’ve lost a lot of weight, but I’ll always be curvy, I’ll always have skin from the loss. I’m much more confident, but other than when I’m with M, I don’t always feel sexy. Watching him look at me, seeing that gleam in his eyes and that smile of desire and pride plastered on his face – that’s not likely something I’ll ever forget. I felt sexy. I felt like he was proud I belonged to him. The experience was about much more than a dress.

So many times yesterday evening, he’d look at me and say, “You looked so good in those dresses.” He told me how proud he is of me and how much he loves my curves (add in wavy arm movements and suggestive looks). He even whispered that phrase into my ear a couple times between the sheets…..and that desire….it only intensified.

I wonder what his reaction will be if I ask him to take me shopping for heels?!

Happening Too

About a week and a half ago, we had a mishap. M and I suffered some miscommunication and it hurt the both of us. We talked and tried to connect in the days that followed, but he worked 16 hour days and we didn’t see much of one another, except late in the evening.

For the past week, my oldest daughter was away at camp. Youngest daughter sleeps like a rock and goes to bed early, so we took advantage of the extra time in the evenings. We truly talked more in depth than we have in a while, every night, trying to get to the bottom of our miscommunication issue and work past it. I think we ended up having some of the best talks we’ve had since this all began.

While the talks began by revolving around the topic of the miscommunication, they became so much more. They morphed into discussions about how to cater to the others’ stress levels (knowing what the other needs, asking for help), adjusting our rules or expectations, reminiscing about how far we’ve come, the sharing of likes/dislikes and desires, and so much more. We sat or laid together as we talked. We touched. And more.

M took advantage of the time this week to work things through in the bedroom as well. Each night was building upon the night before. We began with simple closeness, just our bodies, a lead and follow, and the deepest connecting experience. He added in similar activities to ones that caused our miscommunication, but we talked them through. By the end of the week, we had talked so much about the topics of edging and denial, communication and aftercare, and he had taken me in directions which surprised me a little, even pushed me again. I’m so impressed with the the way he knows how to encourage me (get in my head), how my body responds, and how to get to a place together. Our talks and the building and deepening of our trust have made it possible. In fact, we’ve discussed so many possibilities and ways to further explore this together, all of which include communication, along with the possibility of mistakes. And, if we stumble and make mistakes, we will face them, head on, together. Just like always.

“If things start happening, don’t worry, don’t stew, just go right along and you’ll start happening too.”

Dr. Seuss

Where He Wants

I don’t understand how being on top, or in any position for that matter, could be considered as the submissive ‘topping’ or a dominant giving up some of the control. If M wants me in a position, that’s where I am. It’s precisely where I want to be, focused on pleasing him. Following.

Before this dynamic, being on top felt so exposing, so awkward. I avoided eye contact. All I thought about was how my body looked with each movement, how his eyes were on me, how I hoped I was moving in ways that pleased him. I worried I was less than what he wanted or deserved.

Now, when he wants me there, I happily follow. I am vulnerable and exposed for him, and it’s an amazingly freeing feeling. I revel in watching and feeling his pleasure, I center on his directions. In his hands, even on top, I feel small and empowered, not powerful. There’s a difference.

I’m on top, because that’s exactly where he wants me to be.

All I Could Ask for

My husband doesn’t initiate loads of emotional or deep conversations. Not that he isn’t interested in having them, he is just very introspective and has some difficulty putting his thoughts to words at times. When he does speak, I listen. I hear. I don’t forget. When he speaks about his emotions, his words mean something. They are not just words.

Last night, we were sitting together, talking. We were going over the ‘what if’s’ regarding the job interviews and moving and things. Our conversation touched on the stress involved in the process and how to help one another through it. He said to me, “I need you. You are not my stress. All your quirks and overthinking and innuendos and witty comments, I love them. You needing me does not cause me stress. I love you, you ground me.”

And this is all I could ever ask for.

Ebb and Flow

We’ve had a hectic couple of weeks. M’s work schedule has been so demanding and he had an interview a couple weeks ago that has left us in limbo. It has taken a toll. We are both worn out and we’ve been feeling a little disconnected or off.

Lately, M has been looking overwhelmed – he is already an introspective man, but he’s been more so. My instinct when this happens is to try find out what is going on, but I also worry and I grasp at his shirttails. I do not beg for attention or act out, but I truly cling to him. I feel unsure and uneasy. I initiate conversations until I feel like we get to the bottom of things.

We’ve been talking and talking and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I realized that what I want most of all is for M to feel less stress, to feel less weighted and just be happier. I want to do whatever I need to do to help with that, even if it means backing off and giving him more room and needing less from him. Last night, I told him he looked overwhelmed. Not necessarily with D/s or our direction, but with life in general. I offered some suggestions for lightening his load, both in our relationship/rules and in day-to-day life. His look spoke a thousand words.

During our talks, we’ve realized some things about ourselves. We both have a tendency to pull back and retreat when we feel stress or confusion. I don’t want to burden him and he wants to protect me. But, in these times of need, we should be reaching out for the other. I’m doing that so much more than I ever have. M talks to me more than ever, but has trouble expressing when he is overwhelmed or stressed. I see the weight of the world on his shoulders and I feel like it’s my job to help him carry it – at the very least to support him and make life easier as he does. We will both be working on expressing ourselves and reaching out in times of need.

As we’ve talked, I’ve noticed, too, that there is this ebb and flow in our relationship. As partners, even within the framework of D/s, the power shifts between us as we need it to – and that’s okay. Actually, I feel that’s the best way for it to work for us, right now, at least. There is no way for him to be the firm leader with all the power, all the time. It wouldn’t work here. There are times when things must shift, when one person takes on a little more or a little less, or empowers the other, as life makes it’s twists and turns. We are a team after all.

There’s no neat and tidy way to fix every issue. We will find what works through trial and error, but our communication and trust will make that possible.

The Essence of Me

With lingering weight on shoulders, heavy
Each day ends the same
The shedding of armor, making myself ready

Misty air thick, vibrating with anticipation
Billowing steam whispering my name
The removing of masks, a transformation

Commanding words, fresh in my ear
Precise plucks and snips, eyes open wide
Body already responding, wishing you near

Readying for your touch, skin made silky smooth
Soft fingers lather and swipe and glide
To a rhythm in sync with you, I move

Replaying desire in your voice, tangible connection
Bristles massage delicate skin to display
The sharp blade following your direction

My essence changed, yet still the same
The day’s grit and residue washed away
Now, only your expectations remain

Manicured and polished, outside in
Cooling lotion and warm oil meet
Our dance, a give-take, about to begin

Hand clearing reflective path, I see
Calm silhouette in the mirror, complete
More of you and less of me

Exactly where I want to be

*the phrase “more of you and less of me” inspired by Wildwestangel

The Safeword

M and I discussed having a safeword as soon as we began to incorporate kinky things into the bedroom. We’ve been together so long, it seemed unlikely I’d need it, but at the time, things were not so intense. As we’ve progressed, it’s become very clear why a safeword is needed and why communication is so important, not just after play, but before and during as well.

Even tough we established a safeword (as well as a ‘caution’ word) there is still one very important thing we overlooked – what to do if I used the safeword. We knew play should stop, but we really didn’t discuss what should happen beyond that. We had a general idea, but maybe didn’t realize it’s importance. After what happened the other night, it is absolutely clear that we should have had a better basic plan, at least.

I didn’t mention it, but I safeworded for the first time the other night. When he stopped what he was doing, which had been keeping me on the edge for so long, it felt so abrupt and my fear of disappointing him flooded in, and the high I had been on took a very sharp nose dive. He had no idea how intensely I was feeling, I was just sobbing, uncontrollably. When he kept asking me to sit up and talk to him, I safeworded. Then, I asked him to hold me.

Maybe, if we’d made a clear plan about what to do in the case of the safeword, we could have avoided some of the problem. A safeword shouldn’t just stop the play, it should be a means to communicate that aftercare should immediately begin, no matter what had been going on. Many things, physically and emotionally, should be addressed, for however long that takes, for both people.

I think it’s also important to understand that a safeword doesn’t always have to be used to put a stop to something sexual. When I used it, we weren’t actively engaging in anything sexual. Yet, I felt like I needed to use it to stop the path we were heading down. I just wanted to reel us in and keep us close. I just needed him.

We will have a plan, now, for any situation. And, asking to be held will be the same as using our safeword.

Can’t Shake It

This might be the single most difficult blog post since I began. But, it’s part of our journey, so here goes.

The most important part of the talk between M and I the other day, in my opinion, was his reassurance to me, in no uncertain terms, that there would never be a repeat of that aftercare situation. I know we both know what went wrong and we’ve continued to talk about how to avoid those same issues in the future, so we are stronger, I have no doubt.

But……I don’t know why, I just can’t seem to shake that deep feeling of rejection I felt when he wouldn’t hold me. He explained why he did what he did – it was that he’d committed to a path and didn’t want to seem weak for giving in. I know he is learning too and I should be proud that he felt dominant enough to stick to his guns, to hold me accountable when he felt he needed to, and I am. I really and truly am, more than words can say.

Yet, this uneasiness keeps gripping me. At first, I thought it was because I was worried it might happen again, but I know now, it’s mostly that I’ve been so hurt that it happened at all. We’ve talked more, and I’ve been honest. He feels horrible and I don’t want him to keep feeling that way, he never meant to hurt me and I know that. But I’m so torn, that feeling keeps sneaking in. I feel silly, because I haven’t stewed or questioned things in a long while. I just can’t shake it.

And I don’t know what to do.