Can’t Shake It

This might be the single most difficult blog post since I began. But, it’s part of our journey, so here goes.

The most important part of the talk between M and I the other day, in my opinion, was his reassurance to me, in no uncertain terms, that there would never be a repeat of that aftercare situation. I know we both know what went wrong and we’ve continued to talk about how to avoid those same issues in the future, so we are stronger, I have no doubt.

But……I don’t know why, I just can’t seem to shake that deep feeling of rejection I felt when he wouldn’t hold me. He explained why he did what he did – it was that he’d committed to a path and didn’t want to seem weak for giving in. I know he is learning too and I should be proud that he felt dominant enough to stick to his guns, to hold me accountable when he felt he needed to, and I am. I really and truly am, more than words can say.

Yet, this uneasiness keeps gripping me. At first, I thought it was because I was worried it might happen again, but I know now, it’s mostly that I’ve been so hurt that it happened at all. We’ve talked more, and I’ve been honest. He feels horrible and I don’t want him to keep feeling that way, he never meant to hurt me and I know that. But I’m so torn, that feeling keeps sneaking in. I feel silly, because I haven’t stewed or questioned things in a long while. I just can’t shake it.

And I don’t know what to do.

24 thoughts on “Can’t Shake It

  1. Dig into yourself. Dig in deep, keep asking yourself why. Look back, see if it is somehow connecting you to something in your past, maybe a host of insecurities that you thought you had let go of or something hiding you had forgotten about. Often when I can’t shake something, a feeling that keeps haunting me, it is because of that connection to my past which I have not made. Once I make it then I’m able to set it aside or rather make peace with it knowing what happened was important for me to learn this part about myself and that I no longer need to hold onto it. I hope you find your way through this. It can be so unsettling when I think I am okay with something to only find it still pestering me.

    • Thank you, I did and I will keep doing so until I feel like it’s put to rest. I’m definitely not afraid to be honest and he wouldn’t want it any other way. Thanks, again!

  2. Here’s my two cents – it’s okay to feel this way. Give yourself permission to feel the pain of the rejection you felt. Feeling a negative emotion doesn’t mean something is wrong, it just means you are reacting to something and it’s a learning experience for the both of you. Don’t fight it, sit with it and feel it entirely. By fighting it or feeling more negative emotions on top of it (guilt and worry), you prolong the presence of the feeling in your heart and head. Put both feet firmly on the ground, dive into it. Acknowledge it and then let it go. Free yourself from the burden of carrying it with you.
    I think you two are wonderful and I wish you a speedy recovery from this negative moment. xo

    • What awesome advice! Negative emotion doesn’t mean something is still wrong…….I’ve given myself permission to feel it. I won’t pile anything on top of it!

      Thank you so much, honestly. And I hope your time with the fireman was incredible!

  3. My two cents – I agree with everything already said – I just want to share a story and I am sorry for the length. I had a ‘soul-mate’ years ago that I eventually lost with much regret. However, I did eventually move on. one of the things though, that tore us apart was my not knowing, not being able to have what she had. Let me explain. We were smitten in love, we traveled Europe together, responded to society’s ills and delights with the same eyes, did things sexually that were new and wonderful to each of us, yet, there was one evening, when by the lake – literally, by a screamingly romantic lake – we were staring into one another’s eyes, and I was so happy – I said to her, and I remember the words, ‘y’know, I have had a definite feeling of loneliness in my life, but as I sit looking in your eyes, and knowing what we have together, I feel absolutely none. And I can’t say I have ever felt that way.” She looked at me she smiled, she touched my lips with her fingertips, and responded, ‘yet, there is always that piece we keep inside that we cannot ever give to anyone else.’ and then her eyes involuntarily looked away to the lake, her smile took on a pensive expression, for just a fraction of a second before she turned back to me and gave me a kiss to dissuade the moment. Sorry to be so verbose, but I never let go of that moment, and it destroyed our relationship in a matter of years later … I hope you can find a way to let go – I don’t know the circumstance of ‘after-care’ but I just hope that you can. You are by your writings, two very beautiful people that are respecting one another’s lives in your journey in an exceptional manner.

    • Thank you so much for sharing that moving story with me. You’re right, it is important to let go, and I can. I forgave him and I’m not angry at all. Part of going into this new phase of our relationship was knowing that we’d stumble, no doubt.

      There is still hurt that remains. But, I will feel it, be honest about it, and move forward. We’ll learn from it and be stronger, I think. I hope.

      Thank you, again. It means so much you’d reach out with your story.

  4. To deal with it, hum, lots of great answers above. All correct as well.
    The short way, you two have discussed it, your feelings have been put out there, as well as his. It may be time to forgive, learn from the mistake, (of you wish to call it that), and move forward. To continually looking into the rear view mirror as you drive through life, leaves you missing the excitement ahead. My advise is look forward into his eyes and enjoy the journey ahead. You are guiding each other in your own ways. It’s the journey that is exciting with all its pit falls and mountains. Nothing is truly prefect in a matter of speaking. Yet it is. You can never make an omelette without breaking the egg.
    You both learn and you both have to move on. I am not saying forget it entirely, that becomes a lesson unlearned. Forgive and be happy. It’s all part of life.
    Sorry to have rambled, and sounding like a fortune Cookie.
    abezure

    • Thank you for your encouraging words. You’re right, I will definitely try not to dwell on it or let it hold us back. I will feel it, be honest about it, and move forward. Him, too. He had feelings in this, too. We will keep communicating!

  5. Ever practical dievca….where are you for your monthly schedule and where are you for the change in life? Don’t need to answer me — just think about it. What is going on elsewhere in your life that might be intruding and magnifying your challenge.

    • I don’t think it’s physical, but you did make me reflect on the fact that there have been other stressors recently we’ve been faced with. That may be magnifying the challenge. Thank you so much for being so practical!

  6. Lot’s of great advice here. I am not one to move on until I have talked it to death and made peace in my brain. I suggest you keep talking and talking until YOU are ready to move on. If you are like me you will never truly move forward until you can figure it out in your brain. Have patience with yourself and I am positive that things will be better and stronger between you.

    • Thank you, Robin. We will definitely keep talking. I am like you, I HAVE to have things make sense before I can move on. It’s all making more sense, I think I just needed more time to continue to process it. Thanks, again.

  7. I learned something this week. . .sometimes what we “know” in our minds just isn’t enough to sooth the tenacious heart. My most humble opinion is you need “something” Tas, you need something to make you feel better. You might not know what it is yet, or maybe you do but your head is trying to rationalize it away. My heart didn’t care what my mind was trying to explain to it when I was upset. It took something else. Keep talking to M you’ll figure out what that is. Not because it makes sense but just because it’s what your heart needs whatever that is even if it seems silly or “you know better”. Feel better soon! ❤

    • FQ, you are so right. All my life, I’ve lived according to what my BRAIN said to do. Until D/s. My emotions rule, now. They are on my sleeve, at the forefront, all the time. I have to take the time to allow my brain to intercept and help process things.

      I’ve continued to talk to M. I just don’t think I was prepared to hurt, not like that, not with M. That was so incredibly intense. But, we know what we need to do, it’s pretty simple, actually. We are just going to be close, connect, and move forward. I need that, but he does too.

      Thank you.

  8. I don’t feel like I can add much, and I’m late! What I am thinking is a bit of an echo of what has been shared – I’d say feel it. Whatever you are feeling, feel it. Stop before you wallow, but for me really *feeling* helps me to find what clarity I need in the situation. sometimes, it is just that my feelings are deeply hurt by what happened, yes likely a bounce trigger from my past; but those things are unavoidable. He didn’t mean to hurt you, but that doesn’t change that he did. However unintentionally. Don’t bury or compartmentalize it or you won’t be able to work it out in your own head. I always say I’m like a dog with a bone when I can’t figure something out – be it a challenge or a problem or my reactions to a situation – I keep gnawing on it and gnawing on it until I get to the middle and figure it out. It sounds like you’ve already figured it the base cause was something that happened to you in your past, so you may have this resolved in your mind, but I’d say the “lesson” for the future is to do the same process, not just let it go – gnaw on it as long as you need to – because has seemed to work for you!

    Sorry to ramble on here – my summary answer to your ending thought of not knowing what to do? It seems you were doing it in the background of your head and that is fabulous! Trust yourself as much as you trust him and follow your instincts about yourself. *hugs*

    • No need to apologize, I really appreciate you taking true time to comment. I ruminate, too. I can’t get past something until I make sense if it and have a plan of action if needed. It’s just how I’m built. I really so try not to stew about things negatively though, and let them snowball. That was easy to do in the beginning!

      Thanks again.

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