This might be the single most difficult blog post since I began. But, it’s part of our journey, so here goes.
The most important part of the talk between M and I the other day, in my opinion, was his reassurance to me, in no uncertain terms, that there would never be a repeat of that aftercare situation. I know we both know what went wrong and we’ve continued to talk about how to avoid those same issues in the future, so we are stronger, I have no doubt.
But……I don’t know why, I just can’t seem to shake that deep feeling of rejection I felt when he wouldn’t hold me. He explained why he did what he did – it was that he’d committed to a path and didn’t want to seem weak for giving in. I know he is learning too and I should be proud that he felt dominant enough to stick to his guns, to hold me accountable when he felt he needed to, and I am. I really and truly am, more than words can say.
Yet, this uneasiness keeps gripping me. At first, I thought it was because I was worried it might happen again, but I know now, it’s mostly that I’ve been so hurt that it happened at all. We’ve talked more, and I’ve been honest. He feels horrible and I don’t want him to keep feeling that way, he never meant to hurt me and I know that. But I’m so torn, that feeling keeps sneaking in. I feel silly, because I haven’t stewed or questioned things in a long while. I just can’t shake it.
And I don’t know what to do.