Ever have a day when you try to avoid your man? When you don’t want to risk having to look him in the eyes, because he’ll know something is ‘off’ and will press to know what it is? And, you know that when he does, you’re only response will be tears? The only thing you know for sure is that you want to feel him? You need him to not be gentle? You want fiery and fierce? When all you want is the strike of something hard and not just on your bottom or back? You don’t just want to feel it, you want to FEEL it? You want to feel it for a few days? You want his reminders? When all you want to feel is his control and nothing else? I do.
Today, I can’t put my finger on anything specific that is bothering me. I’m not spinning or sad or angry or stressed, not any more than usual. But, I just can’t look him in the eyes right now.
I know what I need and I can ask for it, I’m allowed. But, I’m not sure I can ask for exactly what I want. For what I think I need, the intensity of it. It feels so exposing and I always wonder what he’ll think of me when I do. I think this part of me confuses him a bit.
No matter what, it is all a means to an end….pleasure and connection. A concentrated means to express our Dominance and submission. I know he loves nothing more than to do those things.
So, I’m not sure what I’m afraid of…..I think I’m afraid he won’t want to. That it’s pushing too far and asking too much sometimes.
*I wrote this as I began cooking dinner. Just as I finished writing that last sentence, M came in for hugs and teasing, like usual. He began to joke with me, because he immediately registered something was up. Immediately. Then, without me saying a single word, he spanked me with the spatula, the wooden spoon and the spaghetti strainer. Not a word. I didn’t even have to ask. Standing in front of the boiling pot of noodles, still holding the stirring spoon, he also brought me to a knee buckling release.
Then, he said, “Do you think that will hold you over until tomorrow?”
Chuckling, I had him read what I wrote and we both laughed. We talked and he understands better than I ever imagined and he confirmed I’m allowed to ask and that I should. I’m a little stunned, truthfully. And so fucking in love with that man.