Not Just Skin Deep

Most days, it doesn’t bother me. I look in the mirror, I see it, and I move on. I put on my much smaller clothes and I feel okay. Throughout the day, I’ll catch a glimpse of my arm as I lift it or my leg as my shorts raise and I am thankful they are much smaller. I sit on a chair and feel my butt bones touch the wood or brush my hair in the mirror and notice my collar bones, neither of which were possible before the weight came off. I will exercise and revel in the energy I have. I will have sex with M and be amazed at the way my body can move, my stamina. I will catch a glimpse of myself walking by the big mirror and I’m amazed at the difference. I’m shocked that it’s me I see.

Some days, though, the weight feels so heavy. Not the actual weight, the weight of disappointment. Of anger, even. I see that skin in the mirror and my eyes travel up to notice the look on my face. I put on my clothes, knowing I’d be at least a size smaller with curves in the RIGHT places if that skin weren’t there. Throughout the day, I’ll catch a glimpse of my arm as I lift it or my leg as my shorts raise and I am so sad looking at that looseness. I sit on a chair and feel my butt bones, but see the skin that squishes out to the sides. I brush my hair in the mirror and notice my collarbones, but my eyes travel down to notice the breasts that are no longer full or perky. I exercise and I feel that skin jiggle and move as I move. I catch a glimpse of myself in the big mirror and wish, after all those years of hard work, of the continued hard work, I could have a body that reflects that perseverance.

Some days, I just wish it would go away.

*I’ve lost 85 pounds. It has been a very long journey; the weight didn’t come off quickly or easily. But, it has been worth every second, the lifestyle changes, for the health benefits and the way I feel, both physically and emotionally.

16 thoughts on “Not Just Skin Deep

  1. Wow! Congratulations. Keep focused on the positive. With age comes more skin sag. I’d still rather see the sag than have it full of the weight i lost.

  2. Losing 85 pounds is an amazing accomplishment! Congratulations. Do you think, as we age we put more pressure on ourselves to be “perfect?” I look at myself also, my waist and stomach are not as toned as they were even 2 years ago. My face is showing more wear and tear than a couple of years ago. I try to see these changes as badges of a life well lived and a body that has carried this soul through much joy and it’s fair share of grief and turmoil. I also firmly believe that the drive for female perfection is a deeply ingrained society issue these days. One that does not speak well to the respect for each other as humans just as we stand.

    Please look at you through eyes of love, see your journey’s accomplishments and know you do not travel this road alone.

    Renee

    • Thank you, Renee. I do think we put more pressure on ourselves as we age. I will say that I don’t feel the need to be perfect, but I do wish my body on the outside reflected how I feel on the inside. I know that’s not realistic, because if don’t know if I will ever feel as old as my years. I feel younger now than I have in 15 years. I actually look younger too, I just don’t like that skin. It took a lot of physical and emotional work to get here. I’m happy.

      I appreciate that this body has taken me on a spectacular journey of ups and downs. I will try to remember to see it with love and compassion.

      As always, I appreciate your heartfelt words and your reaching out. Thanks for traveling along with me.

      Kay

  3. What an accomplishment! It is very hard to be kind to ourselves, isn’t it? In my eyes, the body that carries this amazing, poetic, talented, and loving soul I read about is truly a work of art. Beautiful indeed. πŸ™‚

    Annie

  4. I know I don’t have to tell you to focus on the positives. I understand how you feel. You have worked so hard and the mirror does not reflect what you really want to see. My friend did have the surgery and although her boobs are now perky and the skin is removed, she has many scars and is still not satisfied with the way she looks. It’s very hard to love and accept ourselves the way we are. We all see the beautiful person that you are.

  5. Yep, aging sucks. But would you trade “you” today for “you” at 20? I know I wouldn’t. My joints ache, there are wrinkles here and there, no grey (thank you L’Oreal!)….but oh the things I’ve learned to do with this body and this mind. SB and i are so happy, even more than the first time we were a couple back in college.

  6. Wow! I am so there. I’ve lost over 120lbs, the extra skin hangs and my boobage is almost nonexistant. Gah! I don’t look too shabby when I have clothes on, but naked? It’s hard sometimes to feel pride in my accomplishment of weight loss when I am left with the saggy results.
    But my guy? He doesn’t complain. πŸ˜‰

    • That’s amazing! Congratulations! I’m so happy your guy loves you exactly the way you are. M does, too. He is so proud of me, he shows his love and appreciation of my hard work. I’m very grateful.

      Thank you!

  7. Wow! Everything you said in this blog echoes my own thoughts and feelings exactly! I too lost weight in the last year, only in my case I wasn’t trying to, it just fell off! I have spent an entire year seeing doctors and having blood tested for everything, I had ultrasound scan and colonoscopy, and everything comes back normal. The last tests were for Pancreas insufficiency. They were about three months ago and I will get the results from the specialist next week. I too hate the sight of the saggy skin. loss of my boobs and bottom and seeing all my ribs and my shoulder and collarbones. I am 60 next month, and so consider myself “an aging sub”. I don’t know if my problems are just the normal aging process, or caused by stress, or have no cause, either way, my body just seems to be eating itself from the inside, and it scares me. The doctor told me last time, if these last tests were normal, he will not need to see me again. Now I would like to put back about seven pounds, just to get my boobs back! I only lost 12lbs but have dropped 4 dress sizes!

    Anyway, congratulations to you on losing the 85 1bs. It’s a wonderful achievement and you deserve to be very proud of yourself. πŸ™‚ Good luck and all the best. πŸ™‚

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