Keeping the Faith

My M is pretty amazing. He has been my lover, my biggest supporter, and my constant for over 20 years. His response to this lifestyle was more than I could ever have hoped for. He is my natural leader, I am so very proud.

But, it would be a lie to say that all of this has come naturally, for either of us. I’m not even sure that is possible, except in fiction. Our lives are not a fictional story. We fuck up. We stumble. I try to offer insight into both the highs and lows of our relationship. I really try to not just write our highlight reel. I’m not here to glorify the positives or be overly dramatic about the lows. I just journal.

Yet, there are times when there is something that is too difficult or personal to share. One such issue is our aftercare ritual – we have had some difficulty with this over time. I shared the most difficult situation in I Know but I didn’t share the entire story. I have had some thinking to do and so has M. We’ve had to talk, a lot. And practice.

Over time, as our play has gotten much more intense, the need for more intense aftercare has increased. This has been an ongoing area of strife for us. I know I’ve had problems communicating to him exactly what I need. I found myself wishing he’d just ‘get it’ and come to my rescue all on his own, on my time, which is ALWAYS faster than his. He has paid attention to my needs, I know this. He just processes slower than I do. He puts things into practice a bit at a time and this is one area where, when things are very intense, needs must be met. He admittedly has fallen short in providing at times.

Just before vacation, we had another stumble. I felt he was lacking and he did not. I felt rejected and betrayed and he felt like I wasn’t noticing what he did do, that I only saw what was missing. We agreed to do some thinking on vacation and he asked me to write out for him what I need, with examples of both behavior and words. To devise a checklist, so to say. I did.

I’ve been nervous about talking about it. I’ve had anxiety about having any play sessions. I hold him in such high regard, it’s difficult to think of him as not being able to meet a need. It is beyond difficult to admit I had doubt. That I had fear. But, I did.

Yesterday, we talked at length about it all. I wondered why he hadn’t yet wanted to read what he asked me to write for him. He told met that, if I could just have faith in him, he is certain he can get it right, he won’t let me down. He wants to get it right on his own, to feel that sense of accomplishment, but also to make me proud.

Until yesterday, I hadn’t had the courage to tell him the core of my anxiety, for many reasons. It felt silly on the one hand, but it also hurt beyond words. I told him I wanted to tell him the real reason I was so worried, but I could only say it once – I never wanted to have to discuss it again. I never wanted to think what I was thinking and draw any parallels with what we do. He stopped me…he said he knew. He told me he’d figured out that when we do very intense things, especially, if he isn’t there for me, to provide safe, warm closure, I could potentially feel like I did that night in college. That betrayal and hurt and abandonment that came after, when there was no one. I did feel that once, that night M wouldn’t hold me and he knows that, but it was our fault, not just his. It’s a risk, we both knew. He assures me it won’t happen ever again.

Do you know why I love this man so much? He figured it out, all on his own. In his own time, yes, but he knows me. All of me, even the dark places. And, he is right here.

I have faith in him, just as he believes in me. I am right here, too.

29 thoughts on “Keeping the Faith

  1. It always takes them a little longer to process and figure it out. Somehow, in the end, they always do. Isn’t it amazing that given time he figured you out. Keep communicating and in the end he will always make you proud.

  2. Love this! And you are not alone as I get the impression it is like this for many of us. Master and I have our hard times too. Being of submissive nature it’s hard for me to express when I don’t feel like I’m getting what I need, partly because I feel guilty for needing more and partly because I have so much respect and love for Him I don’t want to hurt His feelings or make Him feel like I don’t appreciate what He does do. It’s a tough road sometimes, but so worth it! Because I those moment where it is right, it’s pure heaven! So happy for you!

  3. I honestly have no idea about a relationship like this, but I usually read about your path. I just don’t understand how is it that you still have some kind of trust issues after such a long time being together and how is it that you are still afraid to be open and honest verbally about anything. Sometimes I have a feeling that this game you play creates a bigger platform for possible hurt than solution. I am trying to figure out how these methods can be helpful but still have my doubts. Your soul is in a confused and anxious place more than in a happy and relaxed place. I just wanted to share this, don’t take it as judgemental or anything bad.

    • Have you ever had a secret or hidden something from someone? Something so big, weighted? Something that made it difficult to breathe in and out some days, to lift one foot, then the other and move forward?

      I cannot speak for anyone else that lives this way, but I felt like that for 42 years. I didn’t have just one secret, I was filled with secrets. I wasn’t willing to share with anyone, even my husband in many instances. I wrapped them up tight and tucked who I was and who I could be away from view. I piled on regret after regret and even punished myself, and in doing so, all the people who loved me.

      That hiding is what felt like a game. It was such hard work.

      It may seem as though there has been a lot of turmoil with M and I, and there has been some. There will be more. We are in the beginnings of this and are uncovering parts of ourselves we hadn’t previously shared with one another, not like this, not in our 20 years together. I am finally becoming bare to him. In order to get to a point I felt I could do so, there has been so much internal untangling for me. There still is. I spent my whole life feeling broken and I’m putting the pieces together….and this one thing, this way to live with my M, it was the missing piece. He feels just the same.

      This is healing us. It is freeing me. I am no longer weighted, I can breathe freely and I am excited to move forward.

      My soul feels alive for the first time in my life.

      • Thank you for sharing your feelings about this, I feel honoured. I am very sorry to hear about the past you have been struggling from. I have been keeping secrets in my life and I know how hard it can be to live like that. I have my own trust issues and I find it really difficult to fully put my heart and sould out on a plate for someone to see. If this method helps you to heal, than it is a good thing. Aren’t you still afraid that if you are healing only with someone else’s supervision, than you will always be as healed only as he handles you? I mean that isn’t this kind of a thing that you have been punishing yourself for a long time and now you just gave someone else the way to “punish” you? Even if he gives you the comfort you need at the end (now that he knows how you need that) are you sure that this will teach you to love yourself more? I am always wondering if I would ever be able to trust someone so much to give them power over my whole existence and give away the chance to heal as an individual. I wish I could experience the kind of joy and trust that you seem to share in occasions, but I still would be frightened to loose the chance to be in a partnering and equal relationship and be whole as a person. Rather to give myself and not to be taken over. Sorry for my ranting, but I find your relationship interesting and I try to understand it. ๐Ÿ™‚ It is good at the end if you feel alive and you are able to be happy. I am rooting for you guys.

      • I don’t feel you are being judgmental, at all. It seems you are curious and interested in understanding, as you said, and I’m happy to share my point of view. I feel honored you read my posts and felt you could reach out.

        It may seem as though I operate and live only by M’s rules, that I allow him to govern my very existence. Yet, I assure you, this is a partnership, a give and take. He may only have what I am willing to give. He will only take what is healthy to take, what he knows will help me grow to be a better person. I expect only the same of him. We communicate about this all the time. There is more talk and communication than ever before, because we can be open and honest about everything, no holds barred. Do I struggle with asking for what I need at times? Yes. I’m working on it. But, he knows me so well, he often figures it out anyway. I do the same with him. That’s one of the most positive aspects to all of this. We are ever-evolving and that’s a good thing.

        I have healed, on my own, before I ever even asked M to consider living like this. I had a tremendous amount of work to do to get to that place. I have more to do. If I feel that something he is or isn’t doing is hindering me, I tell him. We talk it through. He is no dictator, he is my leader. He allows me to do my individual healing, encourages it, and guides me along my path. Thank god, I need the help. I was always too stubborn and worried about looking like a weak fool to ask. Too afraid to put myself in a vulnerable position. I don’t always love that vulnerable feeling now and it makes me shaky at times, but it is the most freeing feeling in the world. To be laid bare and trust him to help guide me.

        The things we do in the bedroom are not punishment. M will not physically punish me, we found it to be counterproductive for us. It wasn’t a good fit. I appreciate that he cares enough to provide natural and logical consequences in order to help guide me. That often times amounts to denial of the things I love. Those consequences allow my brain to stop the stewing, self-punishment that always results if I feel I’ve failed or disappointed him. While I don’t always love the consequence, I appreciate the accountability very much. I need it.

        As for the bedroom stuff, if you are curious about how that plays a role in my life, I’m happy to answer any questions you may have.

        I appreciate very much that you are rooting for us. I’m rooting for you, too. I read your writing and I long for a time when the posts you share are about you and your love being recklessly romantic, together.

      • I would like to thank you from my honest heart for sharing all these feelings and thouughts with me. Your blog is the kind when there is a living relationship and there is an exampla to show what comes after the fairy tale endings. That is where real life and real work begins that can lead the fulfilled relationship. At first I felt awkward by your soulution but I truly chose to get to know your relationship and learn from your journey. I really appreciate your patience in explaining these things to me and I have to say, I like you too being together. You are not an ordinary couple, but you are real. And that is what counts. I will continue to read your stories and I am sure I will benefit from it. Thank you very much for watching my baby steps toward the life I wish for. I feel that today we connected and I cherish this thing. I understand you more now, and I feel that we have things in common. Thank you most kindly for your answers. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. I ‘m so happy he figured it out to be there for both of you. I completely know what you mean about “your time” versus “his time.” I too process much more quickly and that is a source of frustration for me too. I think I also forget the bad more quickly than he – I’m a bit of a golden retriever that way.

    This is all such a process, isn’t it?!

    *hugs*

    • It is a process, but it’s all worth it, isn’t it? Every stumble and misstep takes us in the right direction.

      I’ve learned that we need to move at his speed and I can’t push. We communicate, but NO pushing, because it leads to negative consequences!

      Thank you!

      • That is something I’m really working to not only learn, but *get* … His speed, not mine and no pushing!

        If I want this, and I do, I have to continually give up the control to him. I remind myself … often. But I still need to remind myself!

  5. Pingback: Blogging Honesty | One Slaves Perspective

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