Someone mentioned to me recently that it seems as though, from the outside looking in, my soul is in turmoil much more than it is happy as M and I find our way on this journey. My responses to her were long and our conversation was pleasant, but it has made me think. A lot.
It’s true, but only partly so. There has been turmoil, but most of it has been inner turmoil as I let go, more and more, becoming bare and exposed, completely vulnerable to M. As I face, head on, all that shit I stuffed away for all those years. As I’m honest with myself and ultimately to M about everything, expressing myself freely for the first time in my life. Connecting with him on the most primal, bare level possible. Deeper than we ever imagined possible, in so many ways.
As I do those things, I also face who I am in my center, my core. My darkest emotions and desires. I am not ashamed of who I am or what I want, not anymore. I am proud to have found the courage to begin to embrace it all. Yet, there is a part of me that still wonders if the things I want and need are ridiculous. Therapeutic spankings are a topic M and I have visited and revisited.
The fact that M has any discomfort at all about therapy spanking/impact, sends me all sorts of mixed messages about whether I should want or need them. He intellectually understands my need, but he cannot relate emotionally. He may never fully understand, I don’t know. I’m not really sure how else to explain it or reassure him or help the process. There has been some misunderstanding about what it is and how it should work. We did clarify that a therapy spanking does not mean that I want to be black and blue and crying for days, that it is a spanking similar to any other, but it is a means for catharsis, which helped. Still, his feelings make me feel uncomfortable asking, even though there isn’t an unwilling bone in his body. He will do anything for me, he’s told me as much.
I know that my biggest hang-up is this: I felt like a selfish, bitchy, self-centered woman for so many years. I got my way by default.
Since I am so vulnerable, my emotions surface easily and they just pour out. Those self-deprecating feelings and thoughts aren’t stuffed away, they float around and become too heavy and I need to let them go. When I need a spanking, when I need impact, not for sexual release or for fun pain/pleasure play, but for true emotional release, I feel like that same selfish, self-centered woman – needy and burdensome. Especially since, after that spanking, I need to feel reassurance from him, loving words and physical contact. My preference is in the form of sex. To be so connected and trusting of him, then assured that he is still right there, after that dark core of me is exposed. He has expressed to me that his brain has trouble shifting gears like that – not that he doesn’t t want to comfort and reassure me, but that sex may not be feasible.
All these conflicting emotions make my asking very difficult.
I asked for us to live this way. I get so much out of it. I know he does too, there is no doubt in my mind. He feels there is a balance. But, sometimes, I feel like the pendulum swings in my direction more often. I don’t love that feeling.