(Un)Balanced

Someone mentioned to me recently that it seems as though, from the outside looking in, my soul is in turmoil much more than it is happy as M and I find our way on this journey. My responses to her were long and our conversation was pleasant, but it has made me think. A lot.

It’s true, but only partly so. There has been turmoil, but most of it has been inner turmoil as I let go, more and more, becoming bare and exposed, completely vulnerable to M. As I face, head on, all that shit I stuffed away for all those years. As I’m honest with myself and ultimately to M about everything, expressing myself freely for the first time in my life. Connecting with him on the most primal, bare level possible. Deeper than we ever imagined possible, in so many ways.

As I do those things, I also face who I am in my center, my core. My darkest emotions and desires. I am not ashamed of who I am or what I want, not anymore. I am proud to have found the courage to begin to embrace it all. Yet, there is a part of me that still wonders if the things I want and need are ridiculous. Therapeutic spankings are a topic M and I have visited and revisited.

The fact that M has any discomfort at all about therapy spanking/impact, sends me all sorts of mixed messages about whether I should want or need them. He intellectually understands my need, but he cannot relate emotionally. He may never fully understand, I don’t know. I’m not really sure how else to explain it or reassure him or help the process. There has been some misunderstanding about what it is and how it should work. We did clarify that a therapy spanking does not mean that I want to be black and blue and crying for days, that it is a spanking similar to any other, but it is a means for catharsis, which helped. Still, his feelings make me feel uncomfortable asking, even though there isn’t an unwilling bone in his body. He will do anything for me, he’s told me as much.

I know that my biggest hang-up is this: I felt like a selfish, bitchy, self-centered woman for so many years. I got my way by default.

Since I am so vulnerable, my emotions surface easily and they just pour out. Those self-deprecating feelings and thoughts aren’t stuffed away, they float around and become too heavy and I need to let them go. When I need a spanking, when I need impact, not for sexual release or for fun pain/pleasure play, but for true emotional release, I feel like that same selfish, self-centered woman – needy and burdensome. Especially since, after that spanking, I need to feel reassurance from him, loving words and physical contact. My preference is in the form of sex. To be so connected and trusting of him, then assured that he is still right there, after that dark core of me is exposed. He has expressed to me that his brain has trouble shifting gears like that – not that he doesn’t t want to comfort and reassure me, but that sex may not be feasible.

All these conflicting emotions make my asking very difficult.

I asked for us to live this way. I get so much out of it. I know he does too, there is no doubt in my mind. He feels there is a balance. But, sometimes, I feel like the pendulum swings in my direction more often. I don’t love that feeling.

15 thoughts on “(Un)Balanced

  1. The wonderful thing about pendulums is that they always swing back to center. 🙂 There will be periods, given enough time, when his needs will be greater than yours, when you will find yourself lost in service to mending some part of him, just as he is helping to mend you now.

    I think when we find balance in our lives and in our relationships it isn’t a constant unmoving thing. The pendulum is always moving from one side to the other. If it ever came to rest there would be stagnation, growth would stop.

    I know it is hard, but try not to let the guilt you may feel when the pendulum swings your way take away from the joy he feels in his service to your need. He gives freely. Accept freely. One day the pendulum will swing the other direction. I think our task is to find grace in both sides of the swing. Xox

    • So true. Thank you so much for the perspective. Neither one of us care for stagnation, we’ve been there. I don’t ever want to be there again.

      Finding grace on both sides of the swing…..I will strive for that. Beautifully said. Thank you so very much.

      Kay

      • 🙂 My pleasure. I know what a struggle it can be… we’re all a work in progress.

  2. Birth is messy. Re-birth is the same. The butterfly’s struggle to free its beauty from the cocoon looks like turmoil from the outside too.

    You are emerging my beautiful friend.

    Annie

  3. You are not selfish. You are brave and strong and courageous. It takes strength to ask for what you want. You have a loving husband that wants, needs to give you what you want. The more vulnerable you are, the stronger he becomes. Allow yourself these feelings and emotions. The more you do the more complete you will become. I admire you.

  4. I believe you’re way more balanced than some observers give you credit. Someone unbalanced wouldn’t know what the purpose is behind those emotions. The fact is that you’re being true to who you are and yes, your emotions (and hormones) are running rampant, and sometimes wreaking havoc on your submissive soul. I believe, based on your writings, that you’re one amazingly gifted submissive. I enjoy hearing about the new ways you seem to find to submit, how you you submit, and what the outcome of your submission is through your words here. Yes, stay true to who you are and do not deviate or let others tell you that you should. And please, keep sharing your words for others to see, they’re inspirational.

    -Love Passionately-

    -Tom Wolf (Mynx’s Sir)

    • I’m not going anywhere, you’re stuck with me!

      What lovely things to say, Mr. Wolf. I try very hard to stay true to myself. I live to please M and am embracing whom I am and what that means. I think the ones around me would agree we are all better for it. I won’t stop…..it feels too good to be me, finally.

      Passionately? I think that might be the only way I know how.

      You too!
      Kay

  5. I won’t presume to know how your husband thinks, but I would guess that he is happy that you are open with him instead of hiding, and that he now knows what you need and has the ability to give it to you. The fact that he has some discomfort about spanking you is a very good sign, I would think, that he is careful with you and that you are safe.

    • He is so happy about it, July Girl. I think he is proud to be able to provide for me. I think you’re right. I’m learning to get rid of that guilt, I’m trying!

      Thank you,
      Kay

  6. I struggle with feeling like I am needy and burdensome as well. I wonder if it isn’t part and parcel of our submissive nature as much being there for us and providing is part of the Dominant nature. (doesn’t make me feel any less needy or burdensome, mind you, I just wonder about it!) I totally identify with the feeling off-balance and somewhat out of sync the more vulnerable I make myself. Necessary but certainly uncomfortable.

    I very much admire you for the risk and steps you are taking though!

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