Thinking and Talking

As M has been progressing and taking more and more control, as I give and let go, I continuously evaluate myself. I am always thinking about what more I can do. I am constantly challenging my way of thinking, trying to be sure my motives are positive ones, ones that benefit our relationship.

Lately, I’ve come to realize that there has been one pervasive issue….I always feel needy. I feel as if there is something missing. No matter what we’ve tried and rules we’ve changed, it’s still there. I can’t rest. I went back through my personal journal for the last several months, and it always goes back to one thing.

The more M and I talk, the more it’s come to light and last night, I think we finally reached the core. We speak different love languages. Our currency is different. We knew this, but it’s only recently been apparent that our lines are still getting crossed and I’m left feeling needy. No matter what we’ve tried or what rule we’ve changed or added, I’m left feeling as if I have to ask for what I need so often and that’s too difficult, so I either bear it or wait until I’m about to burst. The feelings just get so overwhelming, I can’t even look him in the eyes. Then, he worries about me, I worry about asking him for too much and adding to or being his stress, we don’t really address the core issue, and it just pops up again later. And again.

Since all this began, M says I’ve woven all the love languages together into a blanket and covered him in it. Those words truly warmed my heart. I try, so hard. But, the one issue we’ve had for a long time, is that M is a man of few words, but he acts on things. He does not love to express his feelings and emotions in depth. He hugs me, cooks for me, takes care if the bills and things around the house. He tells me he loves me, tells me I’m beautiful, and makes time for me. I know I should see these things as his way of telling me I’m desirable, that he wants to spend quality time with me and that he thinks of me. And, I do. But, I also need the words sometimes too. The words behind the actions – the intent. I just need to hear it.

We also realized that we both enjoy quality time, but we’ve not had enough of it. It needs to be a priority.

Over the past couple weeks, as I finally realized what I need and what I need to do, so many questions have occupied my thoughts. Jumbled, tangled questions that still have me thinking.

What if all the things I do, I do, not only because I want to please M, but because I feel as if I need to earn what I receive from him? What if I feel like I need to earn his love? That I don’t just deserve it, that his love and attention are my reward for my service and devotion, that those things make me feel worth?

What if my giving is not selfless? What if I give and give, but expect in return? What if I give more and more, only hoping to get more from him, in the ways I want it? Am I trying to mold this?

We talked, about it all. Actually, we reviewed our rules a week ago, and have been talking since. Last night, M said that communication is 2-way. If what one person is ‘saying’ isn’t being received, then that person needs to say it in such a way that it can be received. In other words, he’s going to try to speak my language. I’m going to try to receive his. We are making quality time a priority, with us and with the girls. And, all those other questions I mentioned….I’ll be pondering those.

16 thoughts on “Thinking and Talking

  1. In teaching, it is our job to reach every, single student. If they don’t understand what we are saying, we must step back and re think. How can I explain this? How can I make this student understand? When I was sure I have exhausted all possibilities I dig down and find one more way to explain it. And finally, you see the lightbulb turn on.
    You must do this with M. Find your way to make him understand. Say it again and again and again until the lightbulb goes on.
    You are worthy, you are wonderful and you are strong. Never doubt your worth.

  2. You know what the issue is, you are communicating — you are 80% further along than many people in the World. You will succeed, but please know that you will ALWAYS have to adjust and modify and think. That doesn’t go away.

    • Thank you, dievca. Thanks for reminding me. I’m happy to have to adjust and modify, continue to communicate in order to do so. We’ve been content and let things go and that’s not a place we’d like to return to.

      ❤️❤️

  3. Oh, Kay! As always, you write what my heart deals with also. My Beloved does many of those same things for me and at one time in our lives, believe it or not, he even shopped for my clothes because he knew what I wanted more than I did. I could never, ever accept it for what it was – simple devotion. I saw it (and sometimes still do) as something I had to repay. That I had to earn it because I just didn’t feel like I deserved devotion. I have come to understand I didn’t actually know what devotion was. I’d never seen it displayed.

    You know my history – I’ve always been a bit suspect of anything that seemed to have an emotional price tag attached to it. I don’t always FEEL like my service is selfless but I KNOW that it is.

    I also know that in the short time we’ve communicated I have come to feel your devotion to M, your girls, and the many others who come into the light of your love.

    As Robin said, you are indeed worthy and so very strong. You are wise and you teach this old girl so much. You are selfless in the pursuit of love and honesty and finding you is without doubt the reason I was moved to open my diary.

    Love to you,

    Annie

    • I’m happy to know you can relate, Annie. I think you know my history too and I’ve never seen it either, not in real life. Devotion has always been something reserved for floaty, dreamy movies and books with happy endings. Love or whatever it is that I saw, always had a price tag. For my other family members, it still does. You’re right, though. Even when it feels as if it isn’t selfless, i know it is. I do.

      Thank you, friend.
      Kay

  4. Okay miss, you’re not weird, needy, or out of bounds if you’re living in ‘hopeful anticipation’ of his words. This is a necessary part of who we are, humans. We need validation, and sometimes we seek it in some amazing ways. On the other hand, if you are ‘expecting’ it to be given or returned, it’s not anticipation, rather it is expectation. That’s not good. Expectations which go unmet are not the faulty of the one you’re ‘expecting’ them from, they’re yours and own them no matter what.

    So as human beings, we seek to be appreciated mostly, and even more so when we give of ourselves to others. This isn’t so foreign in any environment or language really, just look at the number one reason people change jobs. If you extrapolate that into sharing very intimate conversations, self-expression even given submissively, or various intimate sexual pleasures, we need to know that we have, on some level, pleased the other person. Validation of this expression can be as simple as a wink and a smile or as complex as very intriguing and detailed conversation.

    This communication is most important when being sent by a D or an M to the sub-miss. The spiral which it creates can lead to sub drop and deeper neediness, which is sometimes difficult to overcome. Mynx will tell you that she meds ‘reset.’ And yes, there are times when a scene is the proper medicine, but more often than not, she is subliminally, unconsciously seeking to just be appreciated. A simple ‘good girl’ or ‘that’s my girl’ or even ‘mmmmm, yes’ with a wink and smile go infinitely farther than you might imagine.

    And BTW- it goes both ways, Dom’s need your deeper submission as a form of validation of their dominance. Giving it becomes cyclic and causes both to achieve much deeper levels of passion.

    Communication by gestures, s

      • Thank yo again for your well thought out response!! it’s invaluable to get the perspective of another Dom besides M. Truly.

        I know many times it is attention that i am seeking. I have just been trying to figure out why it is that it always seems to stay, this undercurrent, if you will. We are sorting it out, I think. You’re insight and suggeiitons have helped us along the way, as always.

        Thank you!
        kay

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s