As M has been progressing and taking more and more control, as I give and let go, I continuously evaluate myself. I am always thinking about what more I can do. I am constantly challenging my way of thinking, trying to be sure my motives are positive ones, ones that benefit our relationship.
Lately, I’ve come to realize that there has been one pervasive issue….I always feel needy. I feel as if there is something missing. No matter what we’ve tried and rules we’ve changed, it’s still there. I can’t rest. I went back through my personal journal for the last several months, and it always goes back to one thing.
The more M and I talk, the more it’s come to light and last night, I think we finally reached the core. We speak different love languages. Our currency is different. We knew this, but it’s only recently been apparent that our lines are still getting crossed and I’m left feeling needy. No matter what we’ve tried or what rule we’ve changed or added, I’m left feeling as if I have to ask for what I need so often and that’s too difficult, so I either bear it or wait until I’m about to burst. The feelings just get so overwhelming, I can’t even look him in the eyes. Then, he worries about me, I worry about asking him for too much and adding to or being his stress, we don’t really address the core issue, and it just pops up again later. And again.
Since all this began, M says I’ve woven all the love languages together into a blanket and covered him in it. Those words truly warmed my heart. I try, so hard. But, the one issue we’ve had for a long time, is that M is a man of few words, but he acts on things. He does not love to express his feelings and emotions in depth. He hugs me, cooks for me, takes care if the bills and things around the house. He tells me he loves me, tells me I’m beautiful, and makes time for me. I know I should see these things as his way of telling me I’m desirable, that he wants to spend quality time with me and that he thinks of me. And, I do. But, I also need the words sometimes too. The words behind the actions – the intent. I just need to hear it.
We also realized that we both enjoy quality time, but we’ve not had enough of it. It needs to be a priority.
Over the past couple weeks, as I finally realized what I need and what I need to do, so many questions have occupied my thoughts. Jumbled, tangled questions that still have me thinking.
What if all the things I do, I do, not only because I want to please M, but because I feel as if I need to earn what I receive from him? What if I feel like I need to earn his love? That I don’t just deserve it, that his love and attention are my reward for my service and devotion, that those things make me feel worth?
What if my giving is not selfless? What if I give and give, but expect in return? What if I give more and more, only hoping to get more from him, in the ways I want it? Am I trying to mold this?
We talked, about it all. Actually, we reviewed our rules a week ago, and have been talking since. Last night, M said that communication is 2-way. If what one person is ‘saying’ isn’t being received, then that person needs to say it in such a way that it can be received. In other words, he’s going to try to speak my language. I’m going to try to receive his. We are making quality time a priority, with us and with the girls. And, all those other questions I mentioned….I’ll be pondering those.