What if, as I shed all that armor and let myself out, I’m realizing that this life I’ve built doesn’t fit me anymore? M and I fit, better than ever and my girls are happier for it, but the rest….it doesn’t fit.
I love my job and what I do for others, but my brain is definitely under challenged. I feel stuck. I feel sad, like I’m wasting parts of myself. Writing helps to challenge me and helps to sort things out in my head and I’m grateful for that. I know there are other activities I could engage in as well, if I made the time.
As for connecting with others, I spent the better part of the last 15 years keeping friends at a distance. I never did really let them know ME in the first place. That me inside might be too much for anyone to handle. I might feel weak or exposed, I might even feel rejection. Now, in real life, there isn’t a single soul I can call and talk to on the phone. I meet a friend for dinner or send a message or text to catch up a bit, but there isn’t a single nurtured, meaningful relationship. That is my fault. I know I need to figure out how to reconnect with some of my friends, ones I know would appreciate it.
This skin I have from the weight loss feels defeating sometimes. I need to focus on the healthy life I’ve created and not the stupid skin.
Without a doubt, these feelings are adding to my discontent. I know that M is NOT responsible for any of these feelings. I own them.
I don’t need M to fix this or fix me. I have his love and support, of that I am certain. I know what I need to do, even if it feels insurmountable some days. I always stay the course. I always have hope.