What if, as I shed all that armor and let myself out, I’m realizing that this life I’ve built doesn’t fit me anymore? M and I fit, better than ever and my girls are happier for it, but the rest….it doesn’t fit.

I love my job and what I do for others, but my brain is definitely under challenged. I feel stuck. I feel sad, like I’m wasting parts of myself. Writing helps to challenge me and helps to sort things out in my head and I’m grateful for that. I know there are other activities I could engage in as well, if I made the time.

As for connecting with others, I spent the better part of the last 15 years keeping friends at a distance. I never did really let them know ME in the first place. That me inside might be too much for anyone to handle. I might feel weak or exposed, I might even feel rejection. Now, in real life, there isn’t a single soul I can call and talk to on the phone. I meet a friend for dinner or send a message or text to catch up a bit, but there isn’t a single nurtured, meaningful relationship. That is my fault. I know I need to figure out how to reconnect with some of my friends, ones I know would appreciate it.

This skin I have from the weight loss feels defeating sometimes. I need to focus on the healthy life I’ve created and not the stupid skin.

Without a doubt, these feelings are adding to my discontent. I know that M is NOT responsible for any of these feelings. I own them.

I don’t need M to fix this or fix me. I have his love and support, of that I am certain. I know what I need to do, even if it feels insurmountable some days. I always stay the course. I always have hope.

12 thoughts on “Re-Fitting

  1. You definitely are my sister from another mister. I SUCK at letting people in. I suck at maintaining the few friendships i do have. Send me a note on FB if you want to exchange #s. I’m a great texter…I don’t do a lot of calling, just cuz my hearing is crap on the phone. No pressure….just an offer. 😀

  2. Kay, while I often don’t respond to your posts – I have read them all. I guess the reason I don’t respond often because I’m not good at letting people in. I’ve never been good starting and maintaining friendships simply because it was hard for me to trust anyone. I have begun to realize that this creates a void but more importantly especially when you begin to explore this dynamic which is so different than the norm – its tough when you don’t someone to bounce your thoughts off or have someone you can talk to.

    Your words touch me deeply and often it’s as if I am looking in a mirror. This post along with a few others help me understand that I am not alone. Thank you for your blog – you provide hope and let me know that while this path may be at times difficult the idea of what is possible – is truly breathtaking.

    • Cerita, please don’t ever feel anything negative if you don’t comment on something. The beautiful thing about this blogging world (for me, at least) is that the words are out there with the intent of helping, sharing, and maybe connecting. Connecting g does not necessarily mean that I have an ongoing commentary with every person that reads. If my words touch you, in any way, then we’ve connected. That makes my heart swell. The fact that you’ve read it all humbles me, truly. I’m amazed that my words do what some say they do. I’m so happy they do.

      I can definitely relate to the difficulty trusting others. I agree too – this dynamic does seem to make me feel even more set apart from others, in real life at least. That void is very difficult to feel and to fill.

      You are most definitely not alone. Your words have touched me deeply as well. Thank you so much for the courage and trust in takes to reach out. It’s on of the reasons I keep on blogging.

      Feel free to reach out any time.

      ❤️ Kay

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