There’s this amazing blogger, Annie B., who moves me with each post she writes. She punches me in the gut, grabs hold of my heart and makes me think long and hard about many things. Today, she did just that – punched me in the gut and made me think. Something she said struck me so deeply. She said that in the process of letting go, she trusts her Beloved, but it is herself whom she may not trust fully. I know that feeling.
So many times, I’ve written that I am sometimes afraid and have trouble trusting in M. I think it’s been easy to say it’s him I have trouble trusting. It’s not him, it’s ME. I’ve always been afraid I wasn’t good enough and I know that still lingers. I’m afraid that at my exposed core, there’s not enough. If there is no smoke screen, he (and anyone else) will see the real me, ALL of it. That I will see me, and what if I’m not enough? So, I sometimes do things to keep that focus off of ME. I project onto him. I get afraid of me and doubt us or our direction. I even have specific expectations of him sometimes, to see if I’m worthy of his hard work. But then, if that test or the pushing or the expectations aren’t met, meeting the visions I had in my head (and they often are not met, since I’m not the boss and his visions do not necessarily match mine), I’m not actually disappointed in him, I’m disappointed in ME. Because, it must be me. I must not be worth it.
It has taken a shift in thinking by me, to begin to overcome this self-destructive thinking, from ‘what more will he do to prove to me I’m worthy’ to ‘look at all he’s done to show me he loves me and that I’m worthy’ and ‘he’s already proven his love, a million times over’. He continues to do just that, every day. I have been making conscious efforts, every single day, to see what he does for what it is….his vision of doing what is right and good, for us. Because he feels I’m worthy of that effort. Because we’re worth it. When I do this, I see with much clearer eyes. I feel and appreciate so much more, so many of the little things, which aren’t so little. It feels so good.