This feeling that I may not be enough, that I might not belong or fit, it’s been THE predominant feeling inside me for as long as I can remember. It has clouded every decision I’ve ever made, played a part in every interaction, and kept me from taking risks and letting people in. There was too much at stake. I guarded and preserved that raw core and fought to keep an exterior that would get me through. That, I believed in. I KNEW I could do that. And I did.
Now that I’m becoming comfortable with the constant change and evolution in our relationship, gaining confidence, and drawing strength from our ability to persevere and flourish, I have this constant conflict in my head. It revolves around this feeling of worth, as I mentioned in Worth It. But, it’s more than that. I’ve stripped away layers of armor, exposing myself for the first time in my life. That leaves me feeling raw, at times – not weak, but unsure and sometimes on shaky ground. Yet, there’s also this woman inside me who fights and survives. Who steadily climbs, no matter the obstacles. I still have faith in her. In that me. She still exists. I know, without a doubt, that I can, if I have to. I can do whatever I need to do. Whatever I decide I need to do, no matter the obstacle. Except, that me drew strength from the fight. From the overcoming of the obstacle.
But now I realize I’ve always been trying to convince….me. To convince myself that I’m enough. My biggest obstacle has always been……me. And I’ve been trying to get out of my own way. I AM getting out of my own way, but in order to do so, I’ve been digging so deep, and I’ve only been able to do so because of my relationship with M, because of my love for him and trust in him. Because of this missing piece to my puzzle, the letting go. This piece fits, allowing me to challenge every bit of rebellion, every piece of me that continues to get in my own way, that keeps me from being the best me I can be. The best part is, that the more I fight, the less fight there is, because I can no longer make excuses, rationalize, or lie to myself. I must face it head on, I must trust, I must see and find my worth. I am inspired to see what he sees. While there’s still struggle and change, and there will always be, there’s also forgiveness and acceptance. Strength and contentment – getting used to NOT having to fight so hard and confidence in the fights that are necessary. There’s joy in the now.
I really love the now.