In His Arms

Heart still racing and arms artfully bound together in front of me, I slowly sit as he’s instructed. Strong, work-hardened fingers carefully wrap around my upper arms, guiding me to the floor, then backward to his warmth. Slightly scratchy, his chest hair grazes those sensitive spots made by that suede flogger and my favorite, thick brown belt just minutes before. Head resting on his firm chest, just below his chin, I exhale and sink myself in, molding myself to him.

His scent, woodsy and piney, surrounds me. I still taste him, a tease before I was told to sit down. I feel his breath, warm against my neck as he locks his face against mine. Whiskers, prickly against my cheek as he nuzzles in to whisper, remind me he’s not finished with me just yet. Against my back, his heart beats, thum dum, thum dum. His chest rises and falls, a slow and steady rhythm, rocking me ever so slightly forward and back. It’s not a lullaby meant to lull me to sleep, no. It’s meant to make me feel more awake than I’ve ever been. Awakened and tuned only to him. Anticipating.

The whole of him closes me in. He is my safety and my warmth. My love.

“Be still.”

“Yes, Sir.”

And I hear the hum. I know what he’s going to do with this delicious instrument of torture. Yet, I’m never sure just how far he’ll go….how far he’ll take me.

His arm grasps me around my middle, pinning me to him. His legs wrap over mine. My arms, already bound, rest over his. Now, I feel the hum. I hear the whiz and whirl of the plastic on my wetness. I feel the instantaneous, deep clenching as my breath catches, chest full, eyebrows pursed and teeth clamped together.

“You’ll have to stay quiet, or I’ll stop.”

Now, I know, without a doubt, I’ll be pushed. I’ll want to stop, but I won’t want to stop.

“Yes, Sir.”

That hum strokes, up and down, finding that perfect spot to rest. Then round and round, in small, clockwise circles until my back is arched and I feel as though every muscle in my body is tensed, unable to release.

“Breathe.”

And I know what he means. I exhale. I relax those tense muscles. I mold back into him. I sync with him – my breathing matching his, my chest rising and falling with his. Our skin is one warmth.

“I love your body. I love watching you. I love the noises you make for me. I love making you come.”

He squeezes me a little tighter…..and all I want is to make him happy. I don’t need to see his eyes to know how he sees me in this moment. I’ve seen them so many times before. I know that once I cross that threshold, I’ll keep going until. Just, until.

“Come for me.”

I close my eyes, and I surrender. To his words. To his body. To Him.

I surrender, over and over again, my body at his whim.

The hum is faster now, rumbly and fierce, until I come from barely a touch. Until the wetness flows and pools, over and over and over. Until I’m not thinking a single thought, only embracing the hum. Only watching his hand, feeling his skin, hearing his whispers in my ear.

I just come, for him.

Oh, god….I can feel his smile against my cheek….and I know I can do anything, in his arms. For him. I’d give him anything…..he can have all of me.

Grandest Gesture

M and I are going away for a long weekend to a cabin. Last year, at this exact time, we did the same. We took a trip and reconnected like we hadn’t done in many, many years. We’d begun to heal and rekindle so many things in the year or so before, but the few months leading up to that trip were the most intense we’d had in such a long time. Maybe ever.

At that cabin, something changed in us. It’s the reason we were able to continue on a path which included D/s. It was life-changing. I fell deeper in love with him and it’s only gotten better. We’ve become closer than ever.

We leave Thursday for the cabin. I kept thinking I needed a grand gesture, some way to convey to M just how much his receptiveness, his willingness, his hard work and trustworthiness mean to me. How much I appreciate his steadfast leadership. How much this journey has meant to me.

I wrote a letter for our anniversary and it was heartfelt, but it didn’t seem like enough. I looked for a dress, something that reflected me, something I could be confident, feminine and sexy in and show him the woman I’ve become. I looked for lingerie. I did my hair and my nails. I wrecked my brain trying to think of the perfect gift.

No clothing seemed to fit just right. Not my body, but the situation. Nothing I did seemed to say what I wanted it to say. Nothing will. There is no material thing. No garbed or fancy presentation.

I realized, I have all I need, I have the grandest of gestures. I have me….just me. It’s all he’s ever wanted. Just me, all of me. Joyful, fulfilled me. I will kneel before this man, bare, and offer just me. No shielding or armor, no expectations or hesitations, no looking backward. Just a smile. He’ll know exactly what I mean.

I’m going to be sure he knows, without a doubt, he has all of me, every day, for the rest of my life.

Sixteen (Twenty-One) Years And Beyond

My M,

Not long ago, at a crossroads, finally facing truths for the first time in my life, I didn’t choose the easiest route, the one with the fewest obstacles. Those truths I faced were ones within myself, ones that would take risk to face, ones that would take me down a very bumpy road.

When I looked deep, into my very soul to find direction, I saw you. I saw me, through your eyes, the me you deserved, the one I aimed to be for all those years, but was too afraid of the risk. I saw the us that could be, if I’d just take that risk. I saw all those years you stood by me, encouraging, accepting, supporting, loving and laughing with me. Just being the man you are. The man you’ve always been. Always paving a path for a better me. For a better us. Even when I wouldn’t get out of your way, or even out of my own way, you patiently led by example. You saw in me what I could not, and you waited.

You were worth the risk, worth every bump in the road. You are and will always be.

M, you are my compass – the hand I’ll forever trust to hold as you guide us, always pointing OUR north.

And, I am your roots – your endless support, the nourishment for your body and soul, your grounding. I won’t ever let go.

Happy Anniversary, My Love

Darker Desires 2

I’ve revisited Darker Desires so many times. There’s a part of me that craves things. Not always specific acts or activities, but craves to be pushed. To find the edges of my limits. I often daydream about where those limits might be and I’ve flirted with some. I’ve been pushed, in so many ways. Those limits are ever changing. I play and replay in my head, wondering where we might go next.

Sometimes, that craving is so strong, especially if I’ve had a difficult time recently with self-destructive thinking. When I doubt me or I’ve been questioning myself a lot. When I’ve been challenging destructive thinking and I’m trying to find my bearings. When I’m forging a new path.

Whether it matters or not, I question these desires, all the time. Why do I crave these things? What motivates me? Why this, but not that? Why this now, but not before? How far will it go and is that good for me? For us? I only want what’s good for us and I know he feels that way too. I know he thinks about these things too, we discuss them frequently. It’s always evolving.

Earlier, when I first wrote that post, I think it was easy to say that pleasure is the purpose of play, but I don’t think it is. Not physical pleasure, at least. Gratification, validation, reassurance, acceptance, openness…..they seem to be the purpose. And deep affirmation. I am and he is. We are.

We accomplish those things in many ways, but at the core, for me, is this: each time we play, there is a challenge involved. Many challenges, actually, with M at the control. A challenge for me to set aside all expectation and live only in the moment. To link only to him, letting go of all extraneous clutter in my brain. To think only about right now and feel and simply be. To push my limits within myself. To obey. To give all I have. To breathe and accept what is offered, baring myself to him in the process. To be fearless or face my fears, my inner demons. To please. Pleasure results from meeting all those challenges, head on. It’s a byproduct. A lovely one, but not the true purpose. Not for me.

I love the challenge. I crave it. I love the conquering of me. I reach deeper and deeper, meeting all those challenges. It frees more and more of me to offer him, each and every time. And I want him to have it all. All of me.

It’s F*cking Incredible

M and I have been married for more than 15 years, together for more than 20. We’ve always been attracted to one another, through tough times and joyous ones, yet we’ve had times where passion was lacking. When other things seemed to top the priority list of life. Times when we lived with blinders on, didn’t express ourselves well enough, or let our insecurities lead the way.

Over the last several years, it’s taken a lot of hard work to get where we are today. A realigning of priorities and life goals. Openness and vulnerability. A path that lead us to D/s.

Especially since embarking on this journey together, I see him and he sees me, unfiltered. There’s a rekindled chemistry there that is deeper than I believed humans could share, a connection that truly tethers us. There is passion like we’ve never known, cultivated by this deep bond we share. This desire we have, this reciprocity that exists, it’s unbelievable. Yes, the sex is amazing, the things we do together are in a realm I didn’t think possible, but it’s more than that.

A few nights ago, as we laid on the floor talking, I slid my hand behind my head, brushed my hair out of my eyes and looked at M. I was checking him out, actually, as he spoke to me. As he spoke, he stopped mid-sentence. He stopped to tell me how hot I was, lying that way, looking at him. He took my hand and showed me how much he appreciated it.

This man whom I’ve been with for 21 years, still gets aroused from a simple look. He still thinks I’m hot. He wants me all the time and not just my (totally awesome) body, he wants all of me, all the time. And, I want him just the same. All day, every day.

After he took my hand, he told me he wasn’t waiting until we got upstairs, untied my bathrobe and took me right there on the floor. He pulled me into the other room, bent me over the chair, my work chair to be exact, and took me there too. Hair pulling, neck grabbing, whispers in my ear, dig-your-teeth-in, bite-the-leather-chair, holy-shit-my-knees-are-wobbly sex. Then, he whispered that I could be reminded of our escapade as I sat in that chair all day the next day.

Yes, the sex was (always is) amazing, but that chemistry….that passion…that desire….after more than 20 years – it’s more than just better….it’s fucking incredible.

No Returns

image

Muddled, thick and hazy
It’s as if I cannot wake
Just beyond my reach, I feel it
The pattern my thoughts must take

A little further, much deeper
To it’s rotten core
I’ll challenge it until I know
Which path to take, and more

With devastating affect
I uncover basic truths
Seemingly simple bits of me
Puzzle pieces with ill-fitting grooves

Spewn on virtual paper
My soul laid bare, all of me
It’s as if I’ve been ripped open
For everyone to see

With shaky hands, I do it
Click ‘Publish’, once again
I wonder, maybe no one saw
Should I take it back, re-plan?

Nope, I think I’ll leave it
I need to connect, my fire still burns
Once you read my words
You get to keep them, no returns

I thought I’d give Poetry Writing Exercise 456 a whirl.*Picture courtesy of morguefile.com

Talk, Talk, Talk

I don’t have a choice in this whole feeling department. I feel it all now, just like I explained in my last post. I have struggled with what to say and when to say it……but I always error on the side of saying it, if I’m unsure. I always speak my mind. M wouldn’t have it any other way and neither would I. I won’t move backward, I can’t.

The real problem in saying what I need to say is in my delivery. When I speak of things that feel especially exposing, self-preservation modes kick in. It’s unintentional and it pisses me off that it still happens sometimes. Yes, I know I can’t be the best me overnight, but I know what I’m doing wrong, yet instinct will override logic. Especially if my feelings were truly hurt and the behavior made me feel as if I wasn’t worth his time…..

So, that is what happened. I did say something and I was upset with myself for the way I went about it. I felt like he didn’t follow through with something and it hurt. I beat around the bush, realized I had allowed some expectations to cloud my judgement….again, and I hoped he’d understand me without me really saying it. I wanted him to see what I deemed as his mistake, so I didn’t have to point it out. It didn’t work.

I will always talk to him, I don’t have a choice. It’s not even in me to hold it in anymore. My delivery needs some work at times….I need to focus on explaining how I’d like to feel, how he can help me feel that way in the future and not focus on whatever happens or dwell on it. It’s not good for anyone.

All In

This journey has opened my eyes to so many of my intricate, inner workings. One of the most amazing things about it, is that understanding has reached out beyond my relationship with M, to every part of my life. I understand so much about myself, who I am, what I have to offer and what I wish to leave on this earth. I’ve learned so much about how I want to operate and who I’d like to have with me along the way.

I’ve mentioned before that, in getting here today, I let most of my friendships piddle away. I didn’t keep in touch as I should have and let life and my own stubbornness and insecurities get in the way. Recently, I’ve reached out to a few friends and have been trying to rekindle some friendships – one close by, but the other two are very far away. I love connecting with people and I’d very much like to make more friends or continue to rekindle more old friendships.

At first, that seemed so scary and intimidating. I really suck at small talk – I stammer and stumble and generally feel like my tongue is way too big for my mouth. But, I do really well one-on-one. I’m a little shy at first, but I’m willing to talk to just about anyone…..except those who don’t really want to get to know me. I am willing to be courageous and take the risk of being open and going ‘all in’. In fact, I don’t know that I can do anything less anymore. It’s one of the things I’ve learned about myself. I’m kinda an ‘all or nothing’ kind of girl. You get all I have to offer, if we’re to be friends.

With potential friends, I absolutely understand the courage and risk it takes to be open and have a real conversation and to continue that into a friendship. I so appreciate those who make an attempt to be more than superficial and want to be open and get to know me, as I do them, even if we move at their pace, so long as being open and having a friendship is the common goal. I guess I just can’t do superficial friendships anymore. I don’t want to feel like I’m in a relationship where I don’t belong or where pieces of me aren’t wanted. I would never want the other person to feel that way either.

I’m finding this applies to family as well. I love them, fiercely. They get my love and loyalty, no matter what. But, they have to want to know me and accept me, all of me. And I accept them for who they are too. At the same time, I’m aware and see the relationships for what they are and won’t allow myself to be taken advantage of anymore.

With me, you get it all. Take it or leave it.

I Believe Him

As we sat together yesterday evening, M asked me if I have a hard time when we don’t have sex. It caught me off guard. How did he know I’d been thinking about that all day?

Last weekend, he was away. This week has been so busy, but we carved out time most nights, just not as intensely as usual and not at all on Wednesday. And I felt it. Emotionally, it takes a toll and I’d been ruminating on that all day long. Since the beginning of this journey, it’s been an issue, for me. It isn’t just that I love having sex with M, but I actually feel emotionally off balance when we don’t. Still. And I needed to try to pinpoint why, because it bothers me. I don’t want to be emotionally dependent on the sex, because I know it’s not actually about the sexual act itself.

So, when M asked me that, I had a difficult time answering, I was too choked up. I knew the answer. It always seems to come back to the same issue. Me. My self doubt. Feeling rejection. Fear of the possibility of a day when the happy ends. All irrational, I know, but still there, even if lesser than before. I know it’s much more complicated than that, I crave the intimacy and dominant reassurance as well, but I know this lingers at the core.

I realized so clearly as I spoke, that it’s not fair of me to continue to keep a cloud of self doubt looming over us, and I told him so. It’s not only affecting me, it affects him too. It’s not his issue, it’s mine……and it’s a non-issue. I feel more accepted than I have in my entire life. I feel loved for who I am. I’m happy now, happier than ever before. And last night, wrapped in his arms, tangled up in the rest of him, he said to me, “I’ll love you forever.” I cried, not only tears of joy, but tears of true realization. I am truly and finally home, I believe him.

Not So Great Expectations

Ever think the worst or set yourself up for failure? I do. I sometimes have unfair expectations of M. Or maybe it’s the fact that having the expectation at all is what is unfair. My brain gets in my way and I set myself up for disappointment.

For example, one evening last week, I knew M had planned an experience for us, because he was going away for the weekend. I showered and prepped, then he went upstairs to shower. Just before he went into the bathroom, he turned off the attic fan. The attic fan is white noise. White noise drowns out ‘loud’ activities as the girls sleep.

With one simple gesture, I assumed the worst. I had expected and anticipated the experience all day long, and I assumed that if he turned off the fan, we must not be doing anything loud. We must not be doing any of the fun things I envisioned in my head all day. I wrote it off, without even giving myself the chance to enjoy whatever he had planned. Whatever he chose, no matter what it was. Even though I know, with every fiber of my being, that engaging in whatever he chooses, pleases me too.

I had to consciously will myself to stop that line of thinking. I couldn’t let him see or feel disappointment, that is so unfair. I did stop. And, we had an amazing evening, like always. A loud one even.

That line of thinking applies to even some of the silliest of situations, not just the anticipation of sex. Sometimes, if I know a surprise is coming, a gift, or anything unknown is in the future, I imagine all the possibilities. I imagine how I’d love for them to unfold. Then, it’s easy to get disappointed when it appears the situation isn’t going to unfold in the way I imagined. Despite the fact that the reality may be much better than my imagination, and often is.

I’m going to continue to challenge that way of thinking…..until the habit is to accept whatever comes my way. To anticipate the unknown and embrace it. To free my brain of needless whirling and worry and see the beauty in the unexpected. To more fully submit to M’s choices and leadership. It’s already so much easier. He certainly deserves it…..so do I.