Ever think the worst or set yourself up for failure? I do. I sometimes have unfair expectations of M. Or maybe it’s the fact that having the expectation at all is what is unfair. My brain gets in my way and I set myself up for disappointment.
For example, one evening last week, I knew M had planned an experience for us, because he was going away for the weekend. I showered and prepped, then he went upstairs to shower. Just before he went into the bathroom, he turned off the attic fan. The attic fan is white noise. White noise drowns out ‘loud’ activities as the girls sleep.
With one simple gesture, I assumed the worst. I had expected and anticipated the experience all day long, and I assumed that if he turned off the fan, we must not be doing anything loud. We must not be doing any of the fun things I envisioned in my head all day. I wrote it off, without even giving myself the chance to enjoy whatever he had planned. Whatever he chose, no matter what it was. Even though I know, with every fiber of my being, that engaging in whatever he chooses, pleases me too.
I had to consciously will myself to stop that line of thinking. I couldn’t let him see or feel disappointment, that is so unfair. I did stop. And, we had an amazing evening, like always. A loud one even.
That line of thinking applies to even some of the silliest of situations, not just the anticipation of sex. Sometimes, if I know a surprise is coming, a gift, or anything unknown is in the future, I imagine all the possibilities. I imagine how I’d love for them to unfold. Then, it’s easy to get disappointed when it appears the situation isn’t going to unfold in the way I imagined. Despite the fact that the reality may be much better than my imagination, and often is.
I’m going to continue to challenge that way of thinking…..until the habit is to accept whatever comes my way. To anticipate the unknown and embrace it. To free my brain of needless whirling and worry and see the beauty in the unexpected. To more fully submit to M’s choices and leadership. It’s already so much easier. He certainly deserves it…..so do I.