I don’t have a choice in this whole feeling department. I feel it all now, just like I explained in my last post. I have struggled with what to say and when to say it……but I always error on the side of saying it, if I’m unsure. I always speak my mind. M wouldn’t have it any other way and neither would I. I won’t move backward, I can’t.
The real problem in saying what I need to say is in my delivery. When I speak of things that feel especially exposing, self-preservation modes kick in. It’s unintentional and it pisses me off that it still happens sometimes. Yes, I know I can’t be the best me overnight, but I know what I’m doing wrong, yet instinct will override logic. Especially if my feelings were truly hurt and the behavior made me feel as if I wasn’t worth his time…..
So, that is what happened. I did say something and I was upset with myself for the way I went about it. I felt like he didn’t follow through with something and it hurt. I beat around the bush, realized I had allowed some expectations to cloud my judgement….again, and I hoped he’d understand me without me really saying it. I wanted him to see what I deemed as his mistake, so I didn’t have to point it out. It didn’t work.
I will always talk to him, I don’t have a choice. It’s not even in me to hold it in anymore. My delivery needs some work at times….I need to focus on explaining how I’d like to feel, how he can help me feel that way in the future and not focus on whatever happens or dwell on it. It’s not good for anyone.