Talk, Talk, Talk

I don’t have a choice in this whole feeling department. I feel it all now, just like I explained in my last post. I have struggled with what to say and when to say it……but I always error on the side of saying it, if I’m unsure. I always speak my mind. M wouldn’t have it any other way and neither would I. I won’t move backward, I can’t.

The real problem in saying what I need to say is in my delivery. When I speak of things that feel especially exposing, self-preservation modes kick in. It’s unintentional and it pisses me off that it still happens sometimes. Yes, I know I can’t be the best me overnight, but I know what I’m doing wrong, yet instinct will override logic. Especially if my feelings were truly hurt and the behavior made me feel as if I wasn’t worth his time…..

So, that is what happened. I did say something and I was upset with myself for the way I went about it. I felt like he didn’t follow through with something and it hurt. I beat around the bush, realized I had allowed some expectations to cloud my judgement….again, and I hoped he’d understand me without me really saying it. I wanted him to see what I deemed as his mistake, so I didn’t have to point it out. It didn’t work.

I will always talk to him, I don’t have a choice. It’s not even in me to hold it in anymore. My delivery needs some work at times….I need to focus on explaining how I’d like to feel, how he can help me feel that way in the future and not focus on whatever happens or dwell on it. It’s not good for anyone.

14 thoughts on “Talk, Talk, Talk

  1. I relate. When good communication has not been modeled to you as a child, we grow up with a lofty, but surmountable impediment, one which is particularly painful to those of us who value self-expression. It sounds like you are already well on your way to self-awareness and recovery.

  2. You have changed so much in the very short time I’ve come to know you! It’s a beautiful thing to behold. Learning to sail into the wind and not be overturned is a skill that’s taking us all a while to master.

    But, damn girl! You are already way beyond the horizon of last year and half way to the new one.

    Love ya,
    Annie ❤

  3. This is SO human.. I only know ONE person who ‘masters’ this, and who speaks really well in pressed situations, and who never speaks ill about ANYONE, and I can tell you.. this person is STRUGGLING. She is very down, and feels bad about herself constantly, and she also feels like people walk all over her. I think this stems for her not letting go sometimes, Sharing her true emotions when being hurt, – She stands up for herself, but delivers it really well, which takes a LOT of energy and self control. And she is often exhausted.

    I try and learn from her, because she is a great person and everyone loves her, but not everyone treats her as human as they treat others, they think she can ‘take it’ while in truth she can’t. But her diplomacy, and accepting others for who they are is truly admirable, and taking the time to think before speaking is great.

    Finding the balance however… I am faaaaaaaar from it.

    • That’s terrible for you friend, TLW. I am truly sad for her, she sounds like an amazing person.

      Along this this journey, if nothing else, I’ve learned that M and I can be transparent with one another, no matter the topic, no matter how much it will hurt. We can weather anything. So, i know I need to speak to him about anything that weighs on me and we can figure it out, together.

      Thanks you!
      Kay

      • That’s awesome! It’s not always easy, the truth can be annoying, harsh or hard, but it’s always the best. 🙂 I’m glad you are at that point. ♥

  4. I may be way off base but these words are on my heart. I am a sensory person and when things are off or an expectation wasn’t met, I expect M to feel that. I expect Him to get the issue because He should be able to sense something’s off and then as our leader, He should initiate talking to me about it, instead of me having to talk to Him. It’s like you said, “I beat around the bush, realized I had allowed some expectations to cloud my judgement….again, and I hoped he’d understand me without me really saying it. I wanted him to see what I deemed as his mistake, so I didn’t have to point it out. It didn’t work.”

    I know I’m not saying this exactly the way I want, so bare with me – I apologize. I feel there is a distinguishable difference in how we (as submissives to Ms) live our lives. When M and I walk into a sexual situation, I trust Him to lead and deliver with whatever resources (both tangible and intangible) He so chooses. My expectations are always met because He has my complete submission – He’s in charge of the expectations. It’s black and white per se. When we step out into the real world with our everyday M/s relationship we are met with significant amounts of grey and many different types of situations and many of those situations neither He nor I can control. So talking through them becomes paramount, and as someone said above, practice practice practice. I think it get’s easier but it’s still difficult when in the moment.

    One thing I’ve learned about you, TAS, you are an all or nothing and you are all in, in your relationship. You use each situations as a chance to learn, to grow and to stretch to an entire new level with you and your M, your family, your friends etc. Continue to be who you are, love who you are and trust who you are. It’s okay to make a misstep and it’s okay to bare your heart. M may not get it at first and He may make a misstep or two, but you already know the final outcome. At the heart of you and M, at the very heart of you, is love – unconditional, pure and beautiful love. You both want success. You both have success. 😀

    Phew I was windy wasn’t I?

    • Hey, I’m thankful for your windy! I always love hearing from you, FXC.

      Yes! My instinct is to expect my M to sense how I feel. Its easy to forget that, although he is very in tune to me, he cannot read my mind. Talking to him becomes very important and my delivery could use some work at times. I find it very difficult to point out a perceived mistake, because it feels backward, and I don’t want to cause him stress. So, I end up confusing us both. I’m working on it…..crazy thing is I know exactly what I want/need to say, right from the start.

      Thank you, FXC, what lovely things to say. You touch me so deeply. I appreciate you, so much.

      Kay💜

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