Lying back, propped on a few pillows against the foot board, hand behind your head, the other resting casually on your thigh, I can feel you, even though we are a few feet apart. So expressive, your eyes. There’s a brightness in them, a contagious, amorous glow. Yet, behind that glow lies a hunger that makes me shiver; it holds me captive. I cannot tear my eyes away from yours. Faintly squinted and so resolutely focused, it’s as if yours can see right through me, as if I’m transparent. As if maybe they see something I cannot. I have no idea what’s about to happen. But, that look in your eyes makes my belly do somersaults. You are going to enjoy yourself. You have something planned that will take us somewhere we’ve not gone before, of that I have no doubt. That dimmer switch you keep stroking with your thumb assures it.
The smooth finish on the thick, pine spindles is cool against my back at first, but it warms to match the temperature of my skin in no time. Thumping loudly, my heartbeat is felt, not only in my chest, but it’s reverberating and humming in my ears too. My cheeks are flush as my belly does it’s flips and I know I’m grinning my nervous grin. It’s excitement, covered with an intensity that’s difficult to describe.
Many times, I calm to the music in the background in these first few minutes, letting my breathing match the beat, feeling my chest move in and out to the rhythm, but not today. There is no music. Only the sound of my own heart, beating to the heat of your gaze.
In neat lines against each wrist, the jute grips and the prickles grab my skin taught against each headboard post. Each leg is tucked under me, folded in a kneeling position, knees open to you as my bottom gently rests against the soft, waterproof pad beneath me. And the cord from that dimmer switch runs a line from you to me, where that instrument rests perfectly between my legs, awaiting your command, just like me.
Eyes never leaving mine, I’m told there will be questions. I’m told what will happen if I answer truthfully and what will happen if I do not. It’s then I know……I know I will be more exposed than I’ve ever been, that my body will be taken for a walk along the edge and back, again and again, because I will only offer you my truths. I have no other choice, I’m not capable, and you deserve nothing less.
With tenderness and confidence, you ask all the questions we need to be asked, in this moment together. In our celebration of these years together, in our awe of one another and this place we’ve arrived. I listen. I answer, and I speak from the depths of my unmasked soul, my truth. I explain, thoughts and processes. I wish and hope and promise. I profess. With a heaving chest and breath that’s difficult to catch, I laugh and cry tears of regret and joyful memory, of unending love and hope, of determination and fire. I come, for you, in celebration of you.
In the end, you allow me one question. I don’t even need to think, I ask right away. Your answer makes my heart sing. With your actions, you’ve shown me all along, and those words you speak to me, still looking into my eyes, bared to you, they confirm what I already know.
And I, you. More than I ever imagined.