The Catalyst

We’ve had a crazy couple of weeks. We came home from a very intense weekend away for our anniversary to a couple of weeks of being insanely busy. The sexual physical intimacy has been different, for many reasons, which was contributing to a feeling of disconnectedness as well as confusion on my part (more coming in another post). Then, after a pretty decent sized fuck up on my part, M and I have had some ongoing conversations that touched on so many issues, seemingly one after another.

When I fucked up, I did it in a grand fashion. When we returned from our trip, we had some home improvements to scurry and finish due to an upcoming appraisal. Add to that children’s activities and other life circumstances, and life was hellishly busy and exhausting. At the end of the week, we had a window of time alone. I had expectations in my head for how I thought that evening was going to play out, expectations I assumed due to tidbits of conversations between M and I. Not details, I never know those, but I thought since our children were going to be gone, that there would be some kinky fuckery going on. I thought it would be a priority, since we’d been so busy and distant feeling for a week. I had an overwhelming need to connect in that way, or so I thought. When I realized we would be going straight to dinner, instead of simply asking to talk about it, my feelings got the best of me. I clammed up and tried to stuff it away, with the expectation I should be able to let it go and go with his lead. Problem is, when I get emotionally overwhelmed, I either overflow (think tears and emotional vomiting) or shut down. I cannot pretend those emotions don’t exist, not any more. I don’t need to be right or get my way, I just need to be heard. Instead of bringing it up in an appropriate manner (preferably without a waterfuckingfall of tears), I tried to let the evening play out. You can probably imagine how that went…..

I felt barely contained and hurt, the hurt being my own doing. I felt disappointment and I never even gave him a chance to speak. My smiles were forced and the calm I had was silent acceptance of a place I thought I needed to be in, but not one I’m comfortable with, if that makes any sense. Some expectation I have of myself and my submission that just doesn’t fit.

In the end, the conversation we had after an underwhelming dinner brought up so many things we needed to talk about and was a catalyst for many more such discussions. I’m not angry I spoke up, not in the least, I need to be heard. It’s the way I do it that pisses me off and makes me feel terrible for putting him through all that. I don’t necessarily believe it’s that I need to find a balance of what to say and when to say it…I know when I need to work something out on my own and when I need to speak up, have my voice heard, or ask for help with something. It’s that damned delivery method that keeps tripping me up, but I’m learning.

And those other issues…….those I’m still trying to make sense of……

14 thoughts on “The Catalyst

  1. Kay, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Please know im always here as a sounding board for you. I hope you are feeling more settled.

  2. Yes, my love, you are learning. It’s the journey of life we all are on whether one admits it or not.

    We are imperfect creatures who start life being imprinted by others when we are defenseless sponges that grow into these remarkable beings with independent minds taking in everything around them – thus begins the conflict.

    I have found that the past two the conflict has been primarily ridding this temple of flesh of the imprinted behaviors and I am the only one that can do that.

    You are so wise and honest and open about your struggle to rearrange your wiring to the way the powers the real you in the way you seek. I thank you for that. The wires are gonna cross that’s just part of the rehab. Let the sparks settle and marvel at the new energy!

    I love you! Annie ❤

  3. It’s crazy that at this point in our lives we are still learning. But I am so grateful for the framework of the D/s relationship that allows me to process things a little better than I have in the past. I get it, I’m an all or nothing kind of girl too. Crying, emotional overload or dead silence. Neither productive or healthy. I see you learning, it’s a journey of small steps. :::hugs::: 💗

  4. ((HUGS)) I hate that you had those feelings, but I’m glad that it led to a bigger, much needed conversation. I do something similar – I try to tell myself it’s not that big of a deal, I get quiet, and I pretend I can make it all go away. It never happens. I’ve been guilty of really bad timing, too. As long as you’re talking and working on the things that are important to you both, that’s really all that matters.

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