M’s body hurts. He wants me to get it through my head that’s he’s not broken, but I know he hurts, that’s he is always in pain. He manages it well and hides it well, too. Except, I see it. I feel it. So many thoughts go through my head, all the time – regret for not having been happier and more sexually fulfilled together earlier in life, confusion over whether to express my wants or needs and worry he feels he needs to continue to keep me happy or I’ll be unfulfilled, and even guilt for having needs or wants that may not mesh with what his body can do. Most of all, I have an overwhelming desire to make his days better and easier and just happy. To be the best me I can be to just make him as happy as I can. All the time.
This is one of the topics that has been a continual discussion, especially since that catalyst event. A long while ago, I stopped asking for sex. Not that I don’t flirt and express my desire for him, because I do, but I don’t ask for sex. We discuss our wants and desires with one another and I can ask for something to be on our list of things to try, but he decides if and when, not me. I don’t even touch his cock without permission. 😃 I want to allow him to lead, to get out of his way.
Although I’d stopped asking for sex, that catalyst event was the perfect example of how I’d still operate with expectations. I trusted M to lead us sexually, but my own control issues still got in the way. Maybe not control, but my lack of trust. More specifically, my lack of trust in me, not him.
My sexual expectations ALWAYS revolve around whether something will happen when I think it will. Because I think it should…because if he loved me and valued me, he’d want me. He’d want that time to be with me, in that way. Because I want him to think I’m worth that effort. I don’t feel worthy and I want to be worth that effort. I want him to want me so much, that he just can’t help himself. That’s the crazy, selfish truth.
Add to that notion the fact that M is not historically a man of many words, and that seemed to help fuel those expectations. I see all the little things he does….the caresses, the ass smacks, the neck kisses and nose kisses, the snuggles and hair pulls…and the list goes on and on. I KNOW what he means with his actions. But, sometimes, in the absence of words, the grander gestures speak volumes. At least, that’s what I thought.
Since that first big talk, we’ve talked and talked about this, about these things. About how his body doesn’t always cooperate with what he’d want or like to do. But, what we’ve found is that we’ve had to consciously connect in so many more ways, so much more deeply even than before, outside the bedroom. I didn’t think that was even possible, but it has been. It’s opened up even freer, more frequent communication, which is insane. M even expresses himself more.
We are still very active sexually, but sometimes, that means getting a little creative. It’s meant a lot more letting go from me. I have to trust he’s doing what his body can handle and trust that whatever it is he’s asking of me is what HE wants and isn’t just for me. I have to let go of and adjust (and continually so) those expectations. I have had to work on knowing he loves and wants me and that his sexual desire for me is not the only way he shows me. He shows me all day, every day. He has nothing to prove and neither do I. We just are, and will always be.
I love him more than I ever thought I could love another, just as he is.