I’ve always felt just a little ‘off’ or different in social situations. Like I’m the puzzle piece that just doesn’t quite fit right. I’ve felt like I fit better in some places, with some people. I’ve even had best friends who’ve known me well, but only as much as I allowed them too. So I suppose some of that feeling different is, or has been, my own doing. Either way, I’ve always felt I had something to prove.
Being overweight was definitely a contributing factor to that feeling, later in life. I began to gain weight beginning around age 25 or so and kept it on until about 40. I’ve written about it before….I began to feel like I either stuck out like a blinking billboard, or that I was invisible. I felt like I spent a lot of time worrying so much about what others thought of me…either trying to blend in or trying to just be heard and be valued for what I had to offer, instead of being unheard or discredited for what I looked like to them. I needed people to see beyond the layers, to like what was deep inside. But, that’s so terrifying.
I have lost (still more to go, ideally) and I don’t know if letting go of control to M has contributed to the depth to which I feel exposed, but I do feel so raw and exposed. I imagined I’d feel so much more confident. I have moments of feeling better about how I look in the mirror with clothes on and I feel proud of my accomplishment….but I’m no less insecure. It’s just different. Sometimes I’m even so angry that I worked so hard and my body is still so imperfect. I know how that sounds, but it’s true. I’m not looking for perfection, but I didn’t imagine I’d be left with skin and saggy bits and other shit like that. Add to that my awkwardness in small talk situations and feeling like I just want to be myself and not worry about proving a damn thing to anybody (but worried that will scare the shit out of people or flat out disappoint them), and that weight wasn’t the only thing creating ‘layers’. Now, I don’t have it to hide behind. Crazy, I know.
Most importantly, I’m understanding that exposed feeling is a feeling I’m much more comfortable with. It may always feel that way, so I’m making peace with it. It allows me to be me.