Just Weight

I’ve always felt just a little ‘off’ or different in social situations. Like I’m the puzzle piece that just doesn’t quite fit right. I’ve felt like I fit better in some places, with some people. I’ve even had best friends who’ve known me well, but only as much as I allowed them too. So I suppose some of that feeling different is, or has been, my own doing. Either way, I’ve always felt I had something to prove.

Being overweight was definitely a contributing factor to that feeling, later in life. I began to gain weight beginning around age 25 or so and kept it on until about 40. I’ve written about it before….I began to feel like I either stuck out like a blinking billboard, or that I was invisible. I felt like I spent a lot of time worrying so much about what others thought of me…either trying to blend in or trying to just be heard and be valued for what I had to offer, instead of being unheard or discredited for what I looked like to them. I needed people to see beyond the layers, to like what was deep inside. But, that’s so terrifying.

I have lost (still more to go, ideally) and I don’t know if letting go of control to M has contributed to the depth to which I feel exposed, but I do feel so raw and exposed. I imagined I’d feel so much more confident. I have moments of feeling better about how I look in the mirror with clothes on and I feel proud of my accomplishment….but I’m no less insecure. It’s just different. Sometimes I’m even so angry that I worked so hard and my body is still so imperfect. I know how that sounds, but it’s true. I’m not looking for perfection, but I didn’t imagine I’d be left with skin and saggy bits and other shit like that. Add to that my awkwardness in small talk situations and feeling like I just want to be myself and not worry about proving a damn thing to anybody (but worried that will scare the shit out of people or flat out disappoint them), and that weight wasn’t the only thing creating ‘layers’. Now, I don’t have it to hide behind. Crazy, I know.

Most importantly, I’m understanding that exposed feeling is a feeling I’m much more comfortable with. It may always feel that way, so I’m making peace with it. It allows me to be me.

9 thoughts on “Just Weight

  1. I love you! Every damn pound of you. It is a fucking scary thing to put yourself out here hoping to connect. You are as good as they come my darling friend. Keep taking the risk. You know I’ll hold your hand.

    Besides, if anyone gives ya shit you can tell them to kiss my still somewhat overweight ass!

    Annie ๐Ÿ’‹

    • I love you, too! It’s not so scary anymore. I will keep taking that risk, because it brings me so much joy!! I do know you’ll hold key hand….I’m holding yours right back, my friend.

      HA……it doesn’t look overweight to me. ๐Ÿ˜›

      Kay๐Ÿ’œ

  2. I’ve come to believe that we think about it much more than other people do, and we definitely notice it more than they do. (That’s not to say that assholes and judgmental fucks don’t exist – God knows they do). We are own worst critic and we see every single detail, so we assume others do, too. I’m learning (slowly) that most people just aren’t that perceptive and don’t care about me enough to see what I see. And, I’ve also decided that if someone looks at me, sees a single imperfection (and there are plenty to choose from), and decides they don’t like what they see, that has more to do with them than it does me.

    You have friends, you have M. Only you can decide that your imperfections matter – or don’t (and I say they don’t). And when you doubt yourself, I’d lean on M who clearly wants you and loves you – imperfections and all.

  3. I hear you. At 55 i weigh less than I did at 25, it’s just not as toned as it was lol. But I am more confident and self assured. We all grow and change. Embrace it.

  4. I have been there. What am I saying? I AM there. I can relate perfectly to what you’re saying. I wish I had words of wisdom to offer.

    I have days of thinking “why am I doing this? I’ll never have my 20something, pre-baby body back? It’s pointless.” I carry on anyway. I’m fortunate to have commands in place that prevent the worst of my backsliding. Unfortunately, commands cannot supplant all of the negative self-talk that leads to wanting to backslide.

    If you figure a way around this please do let me know.

    All the best on your journey.

    • Ahhhh, that self-talk IS my worst enemy and critic. It’s the one thing I’m continually working on. I will say this…..when I remind myself of the way He looks at me, thine things He says to me, the desire I feel from Him….it’s easier to change that talk. It’s more focused on just continuing to make him happy by being happy myself. He deserves that from me.

      I wish you the best on your journey as well.
      Kay๐Ÿ’œ

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