Yeah, that’s how I say it. I even gave it my own definition – the act of touching one’s self purely for the pleasure of one’s Master, at the direction of said Master. Because, at my house, that’s the only kind of bation going on.
Since we began down this path, I’ve had to ask permission to come. That evolved into permission to touch myself or use any toys alone. In the beginning, maybe a handful of times, I asked. Usually if he wasn’t home and I thought it would be hot to ask…knowing he’d know what I was doing at home while he was not.
That lost it’s luster pretty quickly. Our connection became so primal and deep so quickly, masturbation wasn’t even something that crossed my mind. I had no desire to touch myself – I’d much rather be in his presence, feel his skin, hear his voice and his commands. In fact, I’d become so engrained with the notion of asking to come and doing so via his doing, it became difficult to do so without him touching me or being in control of the activity.
This particular activity is one M likes. It’s one of the things he expressed interest in not long after this all began, one of the things we’d not communicated about before. The first few times, it felt awkward and I was so self-conscious. The look in his eyes and the obvious, positive reactions he had, along with the fact that he was directing the activity helped to make me feel more comfortable. It was something he’d ask for occasionally.
The week leading up the that catalyst event, M asked for me to Master-Bate several times. It had been a while, and that first time, I was having a difficult time in my head. Intellectually, I knew he was telling me to do it because he wanted me to. It was a way for him to feel control, still be sexual and connected and touching, and maybe be less stressful on his body after all the work he’d done on the house. But emotionally, I wondered if he was doing it because he thought I just wanted to have an orgasm. Because he thought I needed it. And now, I was also experiencing some difficultly getting there, because my body and mind were so used to his touch or his command, under different circumstances.
We had a lot of communicating to do after that first time. We talked about all those feelings. He expressed his desire to have me carry out his instructions. I had to resolve in my head that he was doing what pleased him, period. And that’s all I want, to make him happy. It’s not about an orgasm! It’s about us connecting so deeply and freely, together. You know what he did? He had me do it again. And again. And again. He even forced orgasms. He even made me force my own.
Such a simple act, but it’s only deepened our connection. I must trust him. I listen to his voice and his breath, usually on my cheek. I feel his body next to mine, his breathing reacting to the sounds of my pleasure. The low growls and commands in my ear. His hands, roaming my body, one hand usually clasped around my neck. I just follow. That’s the only kind of bation for me.