On Thanksgiving Day, I felt ‘off’, all day. Weepy and odd, a ball of emotion. So extremely thankful for so many things in my life, hopeful and blessed beyond measure. Also, confused about how to deal with my family and upset at myself for avoiding them, even on Thanksgiving. A closeness to friends online, a few beautiful women who enrich my life like I hadn’t imagined friends could, but wistful and sad that I cannot sit and speak to them, see their faces, the brightness in their eyes and the shine in their smiles. So incredibly happy about the positive changes in our household over the last year, yet worried about some of the speed bumps we hit. Just life, all of it. I was just thinking of all of it.
In the kitchen, after a morning and afternoon of hanging out together, playing games and eating a lovely lunch, M and I were cleaning up a bit. He did something so trivial and for whatever reason, I flashed him a look. For the first time since this all began, I FELT the old Kay rear in that moment. That look was much more than a look, it said so many things. Ugly things. And his reaction was the reaction of the old M.
We both knew it, right away. He left the room. Of course, I felt terrible, but I didn’t run after him or push him to speak about it. I waited. When we’d both had a bit to think, I apologized. I let him in on what had been weighing on me, which was no excuse, just a way for him to understand. He did the same for me.
Later, I received a consequence. I apologized a few more times. I was embarrassed and so disappointed I’d allow myself to react like that, to hurt him. No matter how raw or confused I’ve been, I haven’t reverted to a reaction so much like that old me. A knee jerk, backward. Those old us’s, echoing.
Even later in the evening, as his body covered mine, he whispered in my ear.
“You tell that old Kay she’s not welcome here anymore. This new us works, it’s who we are. There’s no room for that, anymore.”