The Knee Jerks

On Thanksgiving Day, I felt ‘off’, all day. Weepy and odd, a ball of emotion. So extremely thankful for so many things in my life, hopeful and blessed beyond measure. Also, confused about how to deal with my family and upset at myself for avoiding them, even on Thanksgiving. A closeness to friends online, a few beautiful women who enrich my life like I hadn’t imagined friends could, but wistful and sad that I cannot sit and speak to them, see their faces, the brightness in their eyes and the shine in their smiles. So incredibly happy about the positive changes in our household over the last year, yet worried about some of the speed bumps we hit. Just life, all of it. I was just thinking of all of it.

In the kitchen, after a morning and afternoon of hanging out together, playing games and eating a lovely lunch, M and I were cleaning up a bit. He did something so trivial and for whatever reason, I flashed him a look. For the first time since this all began, I FELT the old Kay rear in that moment. That look was much more than a look, it said so many things. Ugly things. And his reaction was the reaction of the old M.

We both knew it, right away. He left the room. Of course, I felt terrible, but I didn’t run after him or push him to speak about it. I waited. When we’d both had a bit to think, I apologized. I let him in on what had been weighing on me, which was no excuse, just a way for him to understand. He did the same for me.

Later, I received a consequence. I apologized a few more times. I was embarrassed and so disappointed I’d allow myself to react like that, to hurt him. No matter how raw or confused I’ve been, I haven’t reverted to a reaction so much like that old me. A knee jerk, backward. Those old us’s, echoing.

Even later in the evening, as his body covered mine, he whispered in my ear.

“You tell that old Kay she’s not welcome here anymore. This new us works, it’s who we are. There’s no room for that, anymore.”

“Yes, Sir.”

17 thoughts on “The Knee Jerks

  1. W/we can relate. For the first time in we cant remember how many years, we are away from family and friends that we have always had close to us. We have been alone in our new start and understand that “off” feeling. Its rather unsetttling and has me down especially. Not one person from my family, parents or siblings, returned my happy Thanksgiving. So I am way down in the dumps about that.
    So I try and so does Miss, to move forward with all our new surroundings and life, lifestyle and changes.

    • Abezure, I’m sorry it’s been so off lately in your new surroundings. I’m hopeful things settle soon and you and Miss find peace with all the changes. Change is difficult and it’s so difficult to see it as an opportunity for growth as we are in the midst of it, but it’s usually the case. All the best to you.

      Kay๐Ÿ’œ

  2. That old Kay isn’t here any more. Old Kay would not have caught herself and apologized. You must remember that old Kay is part of new Kay and the two of them have to learn to live together.

    • I know she isn’t, that is so true. Old Kay wouldn’t have apologized for the right reasons, if she did. I know she’s still there, just new and improved. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      I appreciate you!!
      Kay๐Ÿ’œ

  3. Kay, that was truly beautiful. I read it and had it read to me tonight by someone special, and it just touched me so much each time.

    Thank you for sharing. xx

  4. I love Robin’s comment so much. We are continually evolving and some of the oldest, deeply ingrained behaviors just take longer to purge. The beauty is we see them for what they are now and address them. So far ahead of where we were!!!

    Annie ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’š

    • Yep, they do, but you’re so right, Annie!!! It does feel so good to see them for what they are, even I screw up. I can still move forward, I’m free to address it honestly and move on. THAT is so far ahead of where I was.

      I know you are free to do the same and I’m so happy for you, Annie.

      Kay๐Ÿ’œ

  5. This is lovely. Beautifully written. To feel you momentarily slip from the “new us” you have come to understand and love. But then to feel you naturally going back to that secure place. This is a testimony to both the human condition and the commitment you guys have to eachother. Thank you for sharing.

    • Thank you, freedomhunternc. I believe that’s true. This has given us the freedom to honestly address anything, any issue that arises, and then move in, still secure in our relationship. I very much appreciate your feedback!

      Kay๐Ÿ’œ

  6. I lapsed here this weekend a few times. On the worst one, Mr. HH stepped in front if me to shield observers, grabbed my chin and simply said, “enough.” I gave him mean eyes and shut up. Later, I apologized. It’s hard not to go back to the “old ways” when I’m stressed, but I’m proud he’s not letting that girl stay in control of the real me. I don’t want her back.

    I love M’s words to you. A reminder of the evolving relationship. We talk about that a lot.

    • WWA, I’m sorry you had a difficult time recently. I wa saying in precious comment that it is so amazing to have this framework in place which gives us the freedom to address any issue honesty, then move on, always better for it. Seems as though that is so helpful to you as well.

      I know what you mean…I don’t want her back either. I won’t let her come back, I can’t. She really doesn’t even exist anymore. I can’t hide my emotions and I know he deserves my honest, raw, true self. My happy self. I do, too.

      Thank you, I loved them too. They stunned me, in the best possible way.

      Kay๐Ÿ’œ

  7. Seems to be a lot of this going around. We had a day like this yesterday. Thank goodness…the night ended better, after apologies and kisses and corrections. Thanks for sharing!

  8. I think you did really well! Both of you. It’s gonna happen sometimes, a fraction of a second, the past coming through so strong like an old instinctual reflex before you can stop yourself. It takes a long time to train the brain. I admire your progress. xx LW

  9. Thank you TLW! I know it is, those old instincts will echo at times. I’m so happy to be in a place together where we have the freedom to express ourselves, address issues and move on, the better for it. I appreciate your feedback!,

    Kay๐Ÿ’œ

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