I’ve mentioned before that I feel as if so many things about this life I’ve built don’t quite fit anymore. The job issue is one that is difficult to talk about, because as we’ve grown, M has outgrown his job, too. So here we are, so happy in our personal lives, yet so unhappy with our careers, at the same time. It’s such a difficult position to be in. We both have so many feelings about it, and we are so connected and in tune with one another, those feelings are always just under the surface. They don’t necessarily create friction or strife, but there is always this under layer of sadness and worry. I feel it. He feels it. But it seems there’s not much to be done about it, nothing we aren’t already trying to do. He has been interviewing for promotions all over the US. We have been on this road of ups and downs with this interview process, researching areas and schools systems and housing markets, knowing there may be a chance we’ll be uprooted if he gets the job. Worry and more worry, wondering if it will mean we’ll need to live apart for a time. Then, the let down of being the second choice, over and again. Feeling stuck in the meantime, both of us. And there’s me, also excited at the prospect of starting over and being able to let this business go, yet scared to death of not being marketable to do a damn thing. If we stay and there’s no promotion, we will remain stuck. We’ve been discussing school options and business options to try to help our situations. We just keep communicating.
Last night M and I were talking about this job stuff, again. He said something that moved me, so much.
M: I was thinking a lot when you were gone today and I wanted to talk to you about something. I need to know if you have any strong feelings about it, one way or the other.
M: I realized that in my last interview, I didn’t tell them the whole truth.
Me: What do you mean?
M: I told them I’d be happy in the lateral position, that I could be happy relocating my family because of their amazing community, but that’s not true. I realized in the last week, I’ve still been looking for other upward opportunities. I know I’d still keep looking. I can’t relocate us, purely for money and a big name, knowing I’d still be looking and that could result in another move for our family. I can’t do that to us, I don’t want to risk that. I can’t lie to them either. I want to cancel the interview this week.
Me: If this is truly what you want, I support you. I love you. I want you to be happy.
M: I can be happy with my job. I can go to work and derive my happiness from the little things, you know that. The source of my happiness is at home – it’s you and the girls. I am happy here, you ground me, and I can be happy anywhere because of you. I love you so fucking much.
Me: I can be, too. I will be. I fucking love you, too.
He’s right. It would be absolutely wonderful to love and have a passion like I used to for what I do. It would be awesome if M loved his boss and the situation were conducive to what he’d like to do for the department in which he works. Yet, here we are, amidst the opposite of those ideals, despite trying to remedy the situations.
So, as my mom would say, it’s time to shit or get off the pot. Getting of the pot isn’t happening right now, so I guess that leaves just one option…….
Time to make this shit the best shit we can make of it. We have one another to lean on for support, we are the other’s source of happiness. Time to do a better job of drawing upon that, to let that passion flow over as much as possible to make our situations the best we can make them. Until we can get off the pot.