I daydream, all the time. Not all that long ago, I remember lying on my bed during a quiet moment, daydreaming of our future. I remember thinking of M and I, so happy and thankful for having him in my life. In awe that he is still here, with me. That he still chooses me, every day. I began to imagine our future as our older selves, empty nesters with time to spend together. I imagined what we’d do with our time, how we’d fill our days once there were no kids at home or jobs to answer to, just the two of us. There was anxiety. And tears. And guilt.
Without a doubt, I knew I wanted to spend that time with M, but I worried we’d be bored of one another. Maybe we’d live in the city, because I imagined we’d need to have many things to do around us, so we’d have activities to occupy our time and things to talk about. I thought of all those couples I see, sitting in restaurants, looking around the room or fiddling with their phones, with seemingly nothing to say to one another. And I remembered some of those awkward times of our own, when our talk revolved around work or the girls, but the rest felt forced at times. There was happiness…..but something was missing. Something I wanted, so badly, and I knew he did too. Something I’d been trying so hard to move toward within myself, to become more available to him and let down my guard. We needed a deeper connectedness between us, an openness. The freedom to just be. I knew we had to keep moving toward that, whatever that meant……because I did not want to be those people. All that guilt and anxiety was because I felt terrible for not having taken further steps toward lasting changes, fear that I might not be able to, and worry that it would affect our future. That we’d be those people. That we’d get to a certain point and realize we missed an opportunity to really live and enjoy one another.
The other night, M and I were at dinner, snuggled in on the same side of the booth, talking. We’ve been discussing our immediate and long-term futures a lot lately, for many reasons. He shared with me his daydreams…visions of us living in a natural, scenic area, gardening, sipping coffee on the porch talking away, and enjoying the outdoors, all the time. Living in a peaceful place, away from the hustle and bustle. He asked me if I thought about what it will be like when we are alone, he wanted to know if I daydream. I shared with him what my daydreams used to be like, that I worried for us, once upon a time. But now, when I daydream, I don’t dream of any such busyness to occupy our time, no constant entertainment. I dream of just the two of us, talking and laughing, no matter what we do, or where we are. Walking in the gardens, hiking in the mountains, sitting on the porch, or chasing grandkids around the yard. Even in quiet moments, I see him, holding my hand and never being bored. Ever. Happy, just being. The same freedom to be ourselves and appreciate one another.
I’ve reached a place where my daydreams of us are truly peaceful ones. I’m hopeful in a way I’ve never been. My daydreams are free from some of the worry that has plagued my entire existence, until now. There’s a safety and security in what we have that I didn’t know I could feel. A lasting one.
I know we’ll weather whatever life throws us. Together.