I Crave Him

Under M’s control, impact play paired with forced orgasms and/or edging is bliss in submission to me. My body’s response is undeniable, but I also find some sort of pleasure/release in the ability to endure. In meeting his expectations. In the mental and physical challenge it takes to do so – to allow my brain to fully engage with only him and nothing else. When I am fully alive in his control. It’s deeply submissive, in a way that takes me almost out of my body, in the hyper-focus I have on only following him.

There are times when I find my inner voice wanting more, wishing for more, wanting him to keep going, to continue until I’m unable to have an inner voice, when even that is gone. It’s not just the pain/pleasure I want to feel, it’s that I want to follow and follow until I’m absolutely and completely surrendered, unable to see or feel or hear or taste or smell anything but him. I want to give him my all, every last bit of me, to let go of it all. Without a single thought, only him left in my head, nothing else. When he takes up all the space, inside my head and outside, too. I just want him to push me past the point I think I can’t give anymore…….but I want him to want to. I want him to get to that place when he is so overwhelmed with his primal need to control me and is so attuned to me, that he wants us to go to that place together. That place where our trust is tested, but also affirmed. Where we come out on the other side newer in some way, with eyes open just a bit wider, having discovered things about one another, again. With a new appreciation for this exchange we have and a deeper connection.

I crave it. I need it. With him.

Our Evolving Team

Our family has experienced many changes over the last year and a half or so. Our oldest daughter became a teenager, our youngest is on a competitive gymnastics team, there have been school and work and health challenges, scheduling challenges and just life stuff, much like the rest of the families in the world. There have also been some changes we’ve noticed as a result of the D/s dynamic, some of which I’ve written about before, but some that have taken a while to become apparent. Still others that we see as things evolve and grow.

Almost immediately, we experienced a much calmer existence. Less knee jerk reacting, less immediate anger responses, more talking. That’s not to say there are never dramatic moments, we have two pubescent girls, but the overall atmosphere has just been more calm, and more fun-loving. Our oldest daughter has become more expressive and our youngest more outwardly silly. We all have – we talk so much more openly about everything and we laugh and joke and are silly together, all the time. The girls notice the affection and overall harmony between M and I and find comfort in that, too, I think.

As time has passed, And M and I have continued in our journey, I know the girls have noticed more and more of the changes between us. They hear me ask him permission for things, all the time. They hear me ask him if he’d like me to get or bring him things, and see me serving him, and sitting in front of his chair. In matters involving money, they know we have to check with M first. They see us doing our best to work as a team to make decisions involving them and they see M having authority. They see him making many decisions for us, opening doors and being a gentleman, and even correcting me with reminders for certain behaviors. They hear silly banter between us (non sexual, but involving power exchange) and I know they notice the power exchange, in general.

Lately, there have been more comments and challenges from the girls, some of which are directed specifically at me. There have been questions about why M and I have to try to work it out so that we can do pick ups and drops offs together, why we have to have date nights and alone time in the evenings. Our 13 year old has been arguing and challenging me on certain things, knowing I’ll say I need to consult with M, but she tries to get an answer from me. There have been a few comments about me loving Daddy more from our youngest, as well as some attention seeking behavior and expectations that I ‘serve’ her like I serve Daddy.

Both of our girls have taken advantage of any gaps in our ‘teamwork’ efforts, finding the weak spots with impressive accuracy. Asking one of us a question after having already asked the other and been told ‘no’. Or asking one parent, knowing the other parent is going to say ‘no’. Testing our resolve and consistency efforts. They are testing these newer things they see. They are trying to make sense of things, I know. And we want to help that as much as possible, by simply being a consistent, loving team.

Unfortunately, M and I have noticed that as we’ve worked in such a focused manner on our relationship, and as we’ve thoroughly enjoyed the positive changes in our home environment as a result, we’ve also allowed some things to happen that contribute to their recent challenging behaviors. They are children, and we know they are hard wired to find the the weak spots, but we’ve given them some ammunition. I’ve taken on a bulk of the responsibilities in the house and they’ve been allowed get away with not doing their part. Also, as M and I find our parameters in our relationship, we’ve been inconsistent on occasion about who makes what decision or in remembering to check with the other before making a final decision and presenting as a better operating team. There are times I’ve put off making a decision I could easily have made, but didn’t want to, possibly feeding a perception that I’m incapable. There are times when M has inadvertently not enforced things I asked them to do, again possibly reinforcing a perception that my say holds lesser weight. We’ve had some stumbles.

Along the way, M and I just keep talking and adjusting and evolving, trying to be the best working team we can be. We just had a series of talks to try to do a better job of being on the same page as much as possible. To make the decision making process and follow-through and consistency efforts run more smoothly. It’s also important to us that, although they may see M as having authority, we don’t want them to believe that my duty is to serve without any responsibility on their part, that my input is of lesser value, or that my decisions carry less weight. Nor do we want them to perceive him as an unapproachable authoritarian.

There have been numerous talks with them as we fine-tune our parameters and our teamwork skills. We continually adjust our priorities and the ways in which we spend our time. We let the girls know that we value our family time and that M and I also need adult time, too, time to enjoy one another’s company and time to talk about being a good team.

As M and I continue to evolve, we will continue to do our best to model a happy, loving and well-working team to the girls. We are open and honest with them, in age appropriate ways, always doing our best to make sure that the most important aspects they see and experience are love, respect, and acceptance in our home.

Happy is Success

Yesterday after work, M pulled me out of the kitchen to tell me something. My M is a very laid back, happy guy. He smiles and jokes and laughs, a lot, so when he looks very serious, my heart sinks. I instantly think something is wrong.

M: It’s not bad, it’s okay. It’s not bad.

He pats the arm of the chair and has me sit with him.

M: I’ve been keeping a secret from you.

The look on his face, oh god. He gets emotional, fighting back tears. I’m afraid, but not for me – I know by the look in his eyes and the expression on his face, that whatever he is about to say is hurting HIM.

Me: Okay, tell me. We can talk it out.

He’s embracing me, cradling me to him. I caress him, squeeze him back. He looks so defeated. My hearts hurts for him.

M: I’ve had job interviews again, but I didn’t tell you. They narrowed it from 103, to 13, then to 2. I was number 3. I didn’t get the job.

I hug him, and hug him some more.

Me: It’s okay. We are happy.

M: I know, but I thought I had a better chance this time, I thought I’d get it. I was going to surprise you, I had it all worked out. I wanted to give this to you – you could have quit your job. But I didn’t get it. I’m sorry.

Oh, my god. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I know he loves me and wants me to be happy. I know he thinks of our family. I know the responsibility he feels for us. But, my M felt sorry because he felt like he failed because he couldn’t sweep me off my feet and let me quit my job. All I could think about was how badly he wanted to, how much he’d thought about being able to….and that he felt like he failed me in some way. When, in fact, this man could never fail me. He could not. He is a compassionate man, with an amazing work ethic, who lives with integrity and shares joy with everyone he meets. The fact that he feels so strongly about my happiness and wants so badly to give me that…it’s just icing. It’s not necessity. I’m happy, happier than I ever imagined I could be.

I’m a simple gal. All I need is him, I am happy with him. I can find happiness in all the rest, because of him. How could that possibly be failing?

Jobs come and go, experiences come and go, but he and I happy….we get to do that for the rest of our lives.

Our happy is our success.

Wonderfully Overwhelmed

Remember how I said that my M waits? Not only does he observe and listen and encourage me in ways I don’t even realize, but he is always making mental notes of things. He ponders them and applies them in every aspect of our lives – in guiding me with decision making, encouraging growth, making decisions for the family, in holding me accountable. Even in the bedroom I see it, and it’s been so much more concentrated and apparent in the recent months.

We talk a lot, M and I, and he listens to my desires and he ‘puts them in the bank’. He reads my words and encourages me to speak to him. Always, he reads my body and listens to it’s responses to him, each and every sigh and moan, writhe and gasp, wetness and wanting expression, both in and out of the bedroom. When we are intimate, he is the able orchestrator, melding our desires as one. He just knows and feels and is able to intuit, having made all those observations…….pair this with that, or this first, then that, harder now, softer then, silly here, command there. All the while, he’s continually making mental notes for future use, always in control, always a few steps ahead.

When I’m sitting at his feet and he tugs my hair, telling me to turn and face him, I always get butterflies in my belly as he gives me his instructions to begin the evening. I have no idea how it will play out. All I know is that I am putty in his hands, and I cannot wait to feel him shape me. I trust him with all that I am.

Sometimes, I’m overwhelmed, in the best way. Is there a better feeling? To bear your physical and emotional wants/needs/desires to another person and see and feel that not only has he listened, but he knows you, better than you know yourself? And his desire is to orchestrate your pleasure and grow/demonstrate your trust, in his way? Even more…that his way is far better than you could ever have imagined?

Not today, there isn’t.

I’m Smiling, Too

There’s this really handsome guy sitting in my living room. Lounged back in the chair, he’s sort of off-center, one leg swung over the arm and the other propped up on the ottoman. He’s wearing a really soft looking, gray, four button sweatshirt and Levi’s that hug his ass just right. My eyes are drawn to the curve of his ass nestled on the edge of the cushion. I wish I could touch it – start at the top near his back and run my hand over that curve, feeling the muscled firmness against my palm. Maybe keep going, down his thigh, traveling to the inside, up to that bulge that seems to be taunting me from across the room.

Brow furrowed, his attention is focused on the game he’s playing on the tv. Fingers swiftly moving over the white remote, pushing and gliding, his hands periodically shaking it with an abrupt up and down motion…my mind begins to wonder….what else might those fingers and hands be good at, right now? They look so strong and able….

Every so often, the tip of his tongue pushes on his bottom lip until he unconsciously moves his lip down, making his tongue pop out to rest on top of it, his teeth clenching down, holding it in place. Ahhh….like he’s doing, right now. It’s so damn sexy. Slightly wet, soft looking and pink. I bet it’s so warm. I imagine his mouth is just as talented as his hands. I bet he tastes amazing.

I think he sees me watching him, but I can’t help it. My cheeks are flush, I’ve shifted in my seat at least a dozen times, and even crossed my legs, trying to give myself a bit of relief. He’s driving me crazy.

Oh, my. He just beat the level he was playing and turned to look at me. Meeting my gaze, the room fell away. His eyes, oh, wow. And that smile! He smiles and I melt. I could look at that smile for the rest of my life.

“I love you,” he says.

Instantly, I’m reminded that I know all about that handsome man with the perfect ass and yummy thighs. I know what lies beneath those Levi’s. I know his strong, able hands, and all about that talented tongue. I know just how he tastes and smells, I know just how he feels about me. I know exactly how his body feels with mine. It fits. We fit.

And I’m reminded that I get to – I get see that smile, for the rest of my life.

I’m smiling, too.

Me, Too

Ever had a day when the pull to your M is infinitely and heart-wrenchingly strong?

When you feel the ache in your soul for his touch?

Not just his touch, but you need to feel his ravenous need?

You need to feel the change in the air around you, to absorb the impact on your skin?

You need to feel the stretch and pull of your muscles beneath him, with him, for him?

When you need to give and give until there’s nothing left, until you’re left breathless and floating, the only thing holding you, grounded, is his warmth around you?

Yeah, me too.

Self Perception

Wild West Angel’s recent post, “Sometimes it’s hard to be me,” really hit home for me. She mentioned a few things that made me think. And think. And connect a few dots and face a few things.

All my life, I’ve known I am a fairly intelligent person. Not smarter than others by any means, I just knew that I could get things easily and quickly. My brain organizes and categorizes and makes connections quickly, and I enjoy using it.

I was always a constant seeker of knowledge, whether it was school or work related or not, I was always seeking. That paid off – I did well in school, I excelled at work, and while I’ve always been introverted, I was able to hold my own in a conversation. I found comfort in feeling knowledgable.

Then I left the workforce. For the last 10 years of my life, I’ve worked from home. Not only have I felt isolated and lonely, but I’ve felt like the entire world has passed me by.

For a long while, I was a seeker of knowledge in my field, but I lost interest, feeling unchallenged, and I stopped seeking. Even though I sought for a while, it is such a specific field, it wasn’t useful anywhere else really. And now, I feel dumb. I don’t know many things others know. I haven’t had (or made) the time to expand myself in other areas, at least nothing useful in relating to others or useful in the real world. Not a single thing that could pay a bill. As a result, I feel stuck. Stuck in my job and stuck, floundering, not confident in social situations or in meeting new people.

Through it all, I’ve always had words. I’ve always loved them, I’ve always devoured them in some form or another, always finding comfort in them. As an outlet, I used to pour myself onto pages in writing. Words got me through some very difficult times. But as I aged and further bottled my emotions, I locked up my words too. I put down my pen.

Now, words are all I have left. It’s all I know. Yet, I even feel dumber in that area, like my vocabulary and simple construction skills are lacking because I put down my pen for far too long. It’s taking a lot of practice, a lot of re-learning and I still feel like I struggle.

That insecurity, that feeling of being lesser, of being unintelligent, is what’s been holding me back from really following my dream, from taking a chance.

It’s pretty staggering how one seemingly small perception can be so far-reaching. It’s holding me back in my work, in my personal interactions. It’s keeping me from pursuing the one thing I’ve known I’ve always wanted to do.

I guess it’s time to really tackle that perception.

My Guide

Recently, I wrote about why I follow M, about how he isn’t a man who dictates – he waits.

Here’s an example from probably 10 years ago, at a time before we ever talked about D/s. Actually, at a turning point, I believe.

I was 33 and had never had an orgasm. I’d never spoken to a single person on this Earth about it. I’d never even tried to have one or had a conversation about how to have one. One day, I realized that I was tired of feeling shame about my sexuality. Of denying my desires and curiosities. I was ready to be a little freer and let go of whatever was holding me back. Holding us back. So, I explored my own body. I figured it out. I bought some sex toys. But, I hid it all from M. I wanted to talk to him, but I didn’t know how just yet.

Then, one evening during a candid talk about how we’d become too comfortable, more like roommates, and wanted to do something about it, I just decided to tell him all of it. And do you know what? He’d known about the toys. He’d known for weeks. He’d even known I used them. Amidst all the swirling emotion and wonder about those toys and the situation, he never said a word……he waited. He knew I’d come to him and speak about it when I was ready and we’d move forward. And we did. He guided us through.

He’s always been my guide.

Get Out Of The Way

In the beginning, before we ever even spoke about D/s, I began the process of letting go, of empowering M. I listened to him and honored him in ways I’d taken for granted before. And after we did speak I about it, it seemed, in my mind, that I had some responsibility in helping him, in continuing to empower him. But, I had it wrong.

My job was to openly communicate with him. To share of myself and allow that to help him in his decision making processes. What I was doing was working against him for a while. Trying to conform him or us to some ideal in my head, clouding our path. Once I let go of that, and simply believed in him and in us, the journey truly began.

He never needed my help. He just needed me to get out of my own way.

Why I Follow

My M is not generally man who dictates. He waits. He doesn’t wait because he’s lazy or because he isn’t observant. He waits because he’s already three steps ahead. He waits because he has a respect for me and knows that I/we will miss integral opportunities for growth if he steps in with and iron fist and takes over. He waits because he’s a smart man who understands me, he listens to and hears and feels me, and he guides all the time, in ways I don’t even realize. And sometimes, life grabs me by the shoulders, shakes me, and makes me see he’s known all along, that he’s had a plan all along. He waits, until he doesn’t. And I love him for it.

That is why I follow.