One key component to happiness for me is seeing the ones I love happy. I do everything in my power to make that happen – I give of my time, I do for them, I go out of my way. The problem is, I have always had a difficult time saying no. I mismanage my time sometimes, trying to fit too many things in. I allow myself to be pulled in many directions and my plate is always full.
I think, after a while of operating that way, I reach a limit. My limit. After a while of giving, not saying no, and mismanaging my time, I begin to feel completely depleted. I feel empty, like there’s nothing left to give, and my reserves are gone. When I do, my thoughts oftentimes turn ugly and inward. I’m a raw ball of emotion. I begin to feel as though I don’t deserve things, that my time isn’t as valuable. I feel like a failure at most things I try, in most areas of my life. I feel walked upon and used. I feel robotic.
My battle is with finding my equilibrium. I’ve been working toward finding how to best balance this new-feeling life. It’s changed so much in the last year or so that my priorities have shifted so greatly. I’ve made small changes, one at a time, to try and help find that place of equilibrium. Most work for a bit, which is progress, but I still end up feeling overwhelmed.
With a little help from a dear friend, I’ve realized one of the most important things left to do is to learn to build in time for me to re-energize and refill my reserves. To feel as if some of my time belongs to me, too. I need quiet, contemplative time for myself. I need exercise. I need time to write. I need to feel replenished.
When I feel as if I’ve refueled my soul, I have more to give the ones I love, more to offer the world. What I give to others means more and is more positively received when I do.
So, 2015, it’s time to find that equilibrium.