Over the last year or so, I have over-analyzed the shit out of things. I’ve had some ridiculously deep and sometimes irrational thoughts and questions about this exchange at times. Even now, I revisit some of them, or new ones pop up…..I’m always trying to find the way to the realest me, and trying to be sure my motivations and intentions are positive and healthy ones along the way.
Here are some of the things I have wondered from time to time:
What if I need this between M and I partially as penance. As a means for absolution for who I was. As a way to wipe the slate clean and begin again as the me I truly need to be…..because I don’t deserve a fresh start without a penance, without righting the scales, so to speak. If this is so, then it’s not selfless, is it? In fact, is it really even submissive? Or is it just the grandest form of Pavlovian manipulation?
I know that this is who I am, that following is what I was meant to do. But, is it really selfless to need him to help me be a better me? Is what he gets in return equally as helpful to him?
If I truly trust him, why can I not feel confident enough to not doubt myself so much? To not be so hard on myself? To stop that self destructive inner dialogue?
If I give and give of myself, how far am I willing to go, how much will I let go? Will there be a time when I don’t feel like me anymore?
If I need this particular thing from him and he’s receptive to the needing, why does it still feel childish?
Should I speak up if I know it will hurt him when I do? How can I say what I need to say and feel as though I’m not ‘topping from the bottom’?
What is it that I love about the pain? Is it his control? Is it simply the following? Is it the meeting of his expectations? The trust involved in the process? The mental and physical challenge involved?
Do I enjoy pain without pleasure intermingled? Do I find pleasure in only the pain? What need is being met if so?
Why do I love to be pushed beyond my boundaries? Why do I find safety in it when it feels so vulnerable and exposing?
As we push boundaries, will it continue to take more and more intensity in order for boundaries to be pushed? Is that okay, if so?
I’m certain there are a bajillion more, but these are ones I’ve revisited more than a time or two.