Deep Thoughts, By Kay

Over the last year or so, I have over-analyzed the shit out of things. I’ve had some ridiculously deep and sometimes irrational thoughts and questions about this exchange at times. Even now, I revisit some of them, or new ones pop up…..I’m always trying to find the way to the realest me, and trying to be sure my motivations and intentions are positive and healthy ones along the way.

Here are some of the things I have wondered from time to time:

What if I need this between M and I partially as penance. As a means for absolution for who I was. As a way to wipe the slate clean and begin again as the me I truly need to be…..because I don’t deserve a fresh start without a penance, without righting the scales, so to speak. If this is so, then it’s not selfless, is it? In fact, is it really even submissive? Or is it just the grandest form of Pavlovian manipulation?

I know that this is who I am, that following is what I was meant to do. But, is it really selfless to need him to help me be a better me? Is what he gets in return equally as helpful to him?

If I truly trust him, why can I not feel confident enough to not doubt myself so much? To not be so hard on myself? To stop that self destructive inner dialogue?

If I give and give of myself, how far am I willing to go, how much will I let go? Will there be a time when I don’t feel like me anymore?

If I need this particular thing from him and he’s receptive to the needing, why does it still feel childish?

Should I speak up if I know it will hurt him when I do? How can I say what I need to say and feel as though I’m not ‘topping from the bottom’?

What is it that I love about the pain? Is it his control? Is it simply the following? Is it the meeting of his expectations? The trust involved in the process? The mental and physical challenge involved?

Do I enjoy pain without pleasure intermingled? Do I find pleasure in only the pain? What need is being met if so?

Why do I love to be pushed beyond my boundaries? Why do I find safety in it when it feels so vulnerable and exposing?

As we push boundaries, will it continue to take more and more intensity in order for boundaries to be pushed? Is that okay, if so?

I’m certain there are a bajillion more, but these are ones I’ve revisited more than a time or two.

10 thoughts on “Deep Thoughts, By Kay

  1. We question because we are creaures with the abilty to reason. The only times in my life I fell hard and didn’t incorporate the experience where the times I failed to use reason or critical thinking, which for me involes lots of questions.

    I love that this is such an integral part of who you are that it can not bypass your reasoning. Love you, Annie 💙

  2. Have you ever gone into the mind loop: “Why do I exist?”
    You just did the D/s version.
    You are going to evolve, go for the ride and be thankful you are aware of your body, your needs and your challenges. Most people never learn about themselves. Ever.

  3. Wow, first off we are all different. Yes you should always speak up. If you think what you will say will hurt him tell him first that you don’t want to hurt him. But you need to let him know what’s on your mind. If you have too read from your list then do it. I’m sure if you both communicate better you will find things out about each other that maybe you didn’t know or even realize. As our relationships move forward they change and we change too. And if we don’t let each other know what we’re feeling or what we want the relationship will get stale and no one wants that. Great post!!

    • SWA, thank you. I don’t dtruggle so much with these questions anymore. I revisit them from time to time, sort of as a pulse-check, but I am definitely able to live more in the moment and simply enjoy. Thank you so much!!


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