Self Perception

Wild West Angel’s recent post, “Sometimes it’s hard to be me,” really hit home for me. She mentioned a few things that made me think. And think. And connect a few dots and face a few things.

All my life, I’ve known I am a fairly intelligent person. Not smarter than others by any means, I just knew that I could get things easily and quickly. My brain organizes and categorizes and makes connections quickly, and I enjoy using it.

I was always a constant seeker of knowledge, whether it was school or work related or not, I was always seeking. That paid off – I did well in school, I excelled at work, and while I’ve always been introverted, I was able to hold my own in a conversation. I found comfort in feeling knowledgable.

Then I left the workforce. For the last 10 years of my life, I’ve worked from home. Not only have I felt isolated and lonely, but I’ve felt like the entire world has passed me by.

For a long while, I was a seeker of knowledge in my field, but I lost interest, feeling unchallenged, and I stopped seeking. Even though I sought for a while, it is such a specific field, it wasn’t useful anywhere else really. And now, I feel dumb. I don’t know many things others know. I haven’t had (or made) the time to expand myself in other areas, at least nothing useful in relating to others or useful in the real world. Not a single thing that could pay a bill. As a result, I feel stuck. Stuck in my job and stuck, floundering, not confident in social situations or in meeting new people.

Through it all, I’ve always had words. I’ve always loved them, I’ve always devoured them in some form or another, always finding comfort in them. As an outlet, I used to pour myself onto pages in writing. Words got me through some very difficult times. But as I aged and further bottled my emotions, I locked up my words too. I put down my pen.

Now, words are all I have left. It’s all I know. Yet, I even feel dumber in that area, like my vocabulary and simple construction skills are lacking because I put down my pen for far too long. It’s taking a lot of practice, a lot of re-learning and I still feel like I struggle.

That insecurity, that feeling of being lesser, of being unintelligent, is what’s been holding me back from really following my dream, from taking a chance.

It’s pretty staggering how one seemingly small perception can be so far-reaching. It’s holding me back in my work, in my personal interactions. It’s keeping me from pursuing the one thing I’ve known I’ve always wanted to do.

I guess it’s time to really tackle that perception.

18 thoughts on “Self Perception

  1. Yes, it is time to tackle that insecurity. You constantly amaze me with your thoughts and the weaving of those into deep insights. You are incredibly interesting and I think you should kick this insecurity to the curb.

  2. WWA’s post got me thinking and it was nice to see that I wasn’t alone. You darling, are not lesser, unintelligent or dumb. I think you are open, smart and wise. You make cool observations, you don’t hesitate to tackle a difficult topic and you write beautifully. I have learned so much from your blogs. I agree – kick the insecurity to the curb!

  3. You already know what I think about this. You are brilliant; wicked smart in fact. It’s time to shut down the voice that lies and listen to the one in your heart. The one that writes the beautiful words we all love and learn from.

    Annie B๐Ÿ’œ

  4. It is past time to tackle that perception. Your intelligence shines through your words – regardless of your specific vocabulary choices (which I happen to find perfectly wonderful).

    We all need to stop comparing ourselves to what we think of as better, smarter, or more beautiful. You might not know what I know, but I don’t know what you know – neither of us is unintelligent, we simply have more to learn (if we choose to). Knowing about pop culture, politics, or whatever is going on in the media (or at least what the media tells us we should know) is not a sign of intelligence. Even learning as much in our field as we can isn’t a sign of intelligence. What we do with the knowledge and information we already have, what we do when we don’t know something, how we treat others, how we communicate – these are all much more important signs of intelligence (to me). And you, wonderful woman, have it in spades. ((HUGS))

  5. I think Angel’s post had many of us thinking- regardless of what we do inside our outside the home. I agree with what has already been said and yes, you do need to tackle your insecurities because it’s unfounded. You are brilliant, smart, passionate and caring and while I have never met you in person – your words show all the adjectives I highlighted above and more, Your words make others reflect and think, they show compassion, love and encourage others to go beyond their comfort zone and reflect on their own lives and what they want out of it.

    I often read your posts and while I don’t always comment I am mesmerized by what and how you say it…I wish I could be 1/100th as eloquent as you. I often send your posts to my dear EM because your words often reflect what I have tried to say but lacked the words to full state my feelings.

    You have touch many lives in such a positive way – many wish they had your gift for words and writing – don’t underestimate your impact on others.

    • Cerita, your words humble me. Thank you, so much for the kindness and support. That my words or my sharing has had an impact on you, makes a difference to me. It’s one of the reasons I bother to share, in hopes it might be helpful in some way to someone else.

      You have an impact too! You certainly did today.

  6. It’s definitely time to tackle this! Your writing made me feel connected to you instantly. A kindred spirit, a subbie sister in a world of isolation. Sometimes i wonder if i don’t blog as much because i read yours and think…did i write this? You capture the nuances of a real D/s relationship better than most. ๐Ÿ’—

  7. We are so hard on ourselves and our view of ourselves is rarely a good one. I know I am far harder on myself than on anyone I know or have ever known. I have been trying to focus on talking positively to myself and seeing myself as Master, my kids and my friends see me. Ongoing project to be sure … but worth it in the end.

    For what it is worth: I find you to be articulate, intelligent and very intuitive! Be kind to yourself.

  8. Yes! I’m trying to do the same. I believe it’s worth it, too. I know I have so much more to share when I see myself as they see me.

    Thank you, GSG. I appreciate that so much.


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