Wild West Angel’s recent post, “Sometimes it’s hard to be me,” really hit home for me. She mentioned a few things that made me think. And think. And connect a few dots and face a few things.
All my life, I’ve known I am a fairly intelligent person. Not smarter than others by any means, I just knew that I could get things easily and quickly. My brain organizes and categorizes and makes connections quickly, and I enjoy using it.
I was always a constant seeker of knowledge, whether it was school or work related or not, I was always seeking. That paid off – I did well in school, I excelled at work, and while I’ve always been introverted, I was able to hold my own in a conversation. I found comfort in feeling knowledgable.
Then I left the workforce. For the last 10 years of my life, I’ve worked from home. Not only have I felt isolated and lonely, but I’ve felt like the entire world has passed me by.
For a long while, I was a seeker of knowledge in my field, but I lost interest, feeling unchallenged, and I stopped seeking. Even though I sought for a while, it is such a specific field, it wasn’t useful anywhere else really. And now, I feel dumb. I don’t know many things others know. I haven’t had (or made) the time to expand myself in other areas, at least nothing useful in relating to others or useful in the real world. Not a single thing that could pay a bill. As a result, I feel stuck. Stuck in my job and stuck, floundering, not confident in social situations or in meeting new people.
Through it all, I’ve always had words. I’ve always loved them, I’ve always devoured them in some form or another, always finding comfort in them. As an outlet, I used to pour myself onto pages in writing. Words got me through some very difficult times. But as I aged and further bottled my emotions, I locked up my words too. I put down my pen.
Now, words are all I have left. It’s all I know. Yet, I even feel dumber in that area, like my vocabulary and simple construction skills are lacking because I put down my pen for far too long. It’s taking a lot of practice, a lot of re-learning and I still feel like I struggle.
That insecurity, that feeling of being lesser, of being unintelligent, is what’s been holding me back from really following my dream, from taking a chance.
It’s pretty staggering how one seemingly small perception can be so far-reaching. It’s holding me back in my work, in my personal interactions. It’s keeping me from pursuing the one thing I’ve known I’ve always wanted to do.
I guess it’s time to really tackle that perception.