When I have those days when I feel so overwhelmed with emotion and my brain can’t possibly absorb another sensory attack, I’d love to be able to hide. I’d love to be able have the down time I need to process. Most times, I don’t, it’s just not possible. There aren’t 30 hours in a day. People don’t stop needing me and the world doesn’t go silent. The processing has to go on in my periphery. It has to be on the back burner. I have to find a way to get through the day, find some rest, and wake up for next, ready for more.
Writing it out always helps me. It’s the only way I know how to organize my thoughts. I jot things down, sometimes by hand, on sraps of paper or in a notebook. I use an app on my iPad. Then, I think and revisit and revise and edit. I splice and add and condense, in my head as well as in words on paper or screen. Sometimes, because there’s only so much time or an issue is very difficult to sort (or both!), that process can take days or even weeks, but I’m embracing that process. I know I’m always better for it in the long run.
Yet, along the way, life can feel pretty overwhelming. It doesn’t slow down and my brain and heart are already so full, still overwhelmed. The one thing I count on to help me refuel and make room in my well is alone time with M. When the girls go to bed and the house is quiet, and it’s just he and I. I shower, scrub away the grime of the day and do my prep work. Then, we can talk and snuggle and we can hang up all our hats and just be. He’s my refueling station, the one I know I can look forward to most days.
The days I really need him and life doesn’t allow for it; those days are the most difficult. The days there’s also no time to write. There are days I’m lucky to have a thought of my own, but I know, at some point, I’ll see him, I’ll have time to write. I’ll be okay.
Some days, he needs me more than I need him. I need to be strong enough for the both of us, I need to help him carry his load, help him smile or be there so he can lose himself in me. I’m grateful he counts on me and trusts me so fully to do that for him.
That’s what this is all about, that communication and connection. The give and take and meeting one another’s needs. The knowing when and how, the being attuned to one another in such a deep and intimate way. Without it, I’d be toast.