It’s so easy to let others need me. It’s what I do. I need to care for others, I need to feel needed and wanted and valued. My whole life, that’s all I’ve wanted in a relationship, even a friendship. To have people in my life who share the same energy with me, who enjoy the deepness of life and are comfortable there. I can meet them there, I’m comfortable there, I need to be there, too.
I want to be open to others, to be available. It’s a very different story to let them know I need them right back. To be so deeply vulnerable, deeper than I’ve ever been before. To bare my deepest darknesess, my greatest joys, my absolute honest soul, no hiding anything at all. Even sharing tears, in the moment. Being that exposed. That’s so difficult to do.
In my entire life, I think I’ve only cried in front of a handful of people. Most times, I regretted it, having felt too exposed, too vulnerable. I felt weaker for having done so, wondering what they must have thought of me, now that they knew I wasn’t so strong, that what lied beneath those tears was much darker and ‘lesser’.
I avoided personal situations where I knew I’d get emotionally overwhelmed. I could acknowledge and talk about those deep and exposing feelings, but only in the past tense, after I was able to process them. Expressing them in the present was something I never did. Ever. My immediate response to those emotional situations, when they could not be avoided, was deflection or blame or even anger. Anything to self preserve, anything to keep from showing anyone I was hurt or in pain. Anger was easy, it didn’t feel weak. It didn’t feel as if it might tarnish the ‘perfect’ perception I was always trying to uphold. The strong exterior I wanted others to see.
The core of my fear was this: I feared looking like a mess or feeling like a burden. I felt guilt for being needy and shame for being less than ‘perfect’, for being too much and possibly pushing them away in doing so. I didn’t think I could handle that kind of rejection, not again.
My relationship with M has taught me so much about myself. Being my true self with him has allowed a freedom with others I didn’t know I could have. M knows, without a doubt, just how much I need him, I tell him and I show him. I try to never miss an opportunity to show and tell my friends how much they mean to me. I need them, too. I’m learning to let go of those fears, they are teaching me, they are of the same, deep energy. Acceptance and openness and love, that’s what I feel. And tears, in the moment, if they come.
Because, you know what? I’m a mess. A happy, anxious, caring, bitchy, joyful, open, accepting, strong, angry, emotional, loving, grumpy, needy, moody mess. I am. And I love it and learn from it all.