He Listens

Summoning every ounce of courage she has, she reminds him he’s forgotten. Trying so hard to hide the disappointment, the rejected feeling bubbling up inside, and attempting, unsuccessfully, to control the tears that threaten to trip her release valve, she speaks. Hugging her briefly after offering a few short words, ones which felt unsure and confusing, his face registering disappointment, he turns to leave the room.

Frozen. She’s completely frozen, standing in the middle of the bathroom floor, bare and exposed. It’s not because her body is unclothed, it’s because her mind is in a free fall, plummeting like a broken elevator screeching down the shaft with no emergency halt. There’s no air. Someone has squeezed it all out of her lungs in tight fists and won’t let go. She’s still, because she knows as soon as she moves, she’s going to the feel the crumble. But her knees can no longer bear her weight. The salty wetness is already streaking down her cheeks and over her lips, her chest is struggling to heave, her sobs are beginning to echo against the beige walls. The tiny room feels so vast and she needs to fold into her smallness. Yet, she cannot allow herself to crumble, to give in to the need and the hurt.

Stepping into the bath, she lowers herself into its warm embrace, but it’s of no comfort. In fact, it’s radiance is just a reminder of the embrace she truly needs. The one which just turned away from her and left the room. Rising from the depth of her, her cries take her breath away, her voice a slow, guttural song of pain and hurt, pulling at the chord of core pain and hurt in her which has existed for as long as she can remember.

Why?, her mind is repeating, Why? Why would you leave? Why am I not enough? Or am I just too much? Why, oh why, would you walk away when I need you so much, right now? How could you do that? It must be me. But this me needs you. I need you. Please, don’t walk away. Please come back. Please. Don’t you know how much I need you? How could you not know? I need you.

I need you to never walk away.

Pulling herself from the bath, she slips on her robe, still slightly wet, and walks down the stairs to him. Lying her head in his lap, arms locked around him, she let’s go and she crumbles as he pets her hair. She needs and she hurts. When she’s exhausted herself, she kneels facing him, and she offers him her bare, true self. The one who needs him, desperately, the one who must tell him how much it hurts when he forgets to follow through, the one who needs him to never walk away. He deserves her truth.

And he listens.

19 thoughts on “He Listens

  1. Oh Kay. Tears fill my eyes as I read this. I’m sorry for your pain. Just remember that he is human. Not behaving the way you expect him to is not him rejecting you. He would never do that. We all make mistakes and need to be forgiven. I hope you have worked through this and are in each other’s arms this very moment.

    • We did, Robin, right away, in fact. We’ve built this foundation of communication and it allows us to tackle those mistakes openly and honestly, even in the moment. It’s wonderful!

      Kay💜

  2. This, my dear little sister, is the REAL SHIT that develops soulmates. The pain so deep it threats to annihilate you if it doesn’t surface. The struggle to pull yourself out of the free-fall and run back into the arms of the imperfect man who strives as deeply as you do to understand and meet your needs. The very second you decided to kneel again you closed the chasm, restarted the heart and took the next step in a lifelong journey.

    I, as ever, am so proud to have you as a friend and little sister ❤️❤️❤️. There’s no true love without growth and there’s no growth without some pain.

    • I truly believe that, Annie. No more stuffing shit away, no more pretending, no more resentful feelings. There’s only honesty and moving forward….and it’s fucking amazing.

      I am proud to have you as a friend an big sister, too, my dear friend. This love is worth every painful stumble!

      Kay💜

      • Yes it is! At the end of it all the only thing that will remain or matter is how much we loved. The rest found to be empty, foolish pursuits

  3. This gives me HOPE that someone will listen to me someday. Yes, men forget, yes I can be not enough and too much all at the same time. But goddamn it I’m willing to work at it.

    • Absolutely, Cara! There’s always hope and your willingness to work through stumbles and hiccups and to build a foundation of communication is something some lucky man will cherish, I have no doubt. Thank you!

      Kay💜

  4. This is the struggle we face when we are totally real with another human…it takes courage…it is rarely fair …it hurts like a knife…it is healed in a touch. Hugs dear one. And joy….he listens. So many people on the earth would give their last breath for “they listen.” I have been there, never to return. This was a very tender post, beautifully written.

    • I’ve found that things are rarely how I imagined!! Thank goodness….because they’re better. Embracing our imperfections is one of the best gifts we’ve given one another. Learning to accept them and our willingness to work through them and sometimes around them is part of this amazing journey I wouldn’t trade for a second.

      Kay💜

  5. You are so brave and so strong, to go to him instead of hiding. I know how easy it is to avoid instead of face things. I’m so glad he listened. I hope there was some resolution. 💜 and hugs

  6. This is a feeling I’m familiar with but I tend to break down. Finding the courage to hold it together and beat yourself is something to work towards.
    Everyday is not perfect but it’s our decision on how to react to the imperfections that make us better. Loved this post. Thank you for sharing. 💜

    • Thank you, DBG. It is so difficult to to recognize those destructive lines of thinking and spiraling emotions, consciously choose to defeat them, and do what we know we need to do. For me, it’s one of the things I need to do on this journey to being free.

      Kay💜

  7. TRUE LOVE AND SUBMISSION. These BEAUTIFUL words show true love and submission in their most elementary form. Neither is perfect. Neither is forever happy. But, you dear lady, exemplify TRUE LOVE and SUBMISSION.

    • Wow, thank you Miss Amelia. It really is the safety of true love that helped me see my destructive thinking, accept our imperfections, and go to him to talk it all through, no hiding.

      You exemplify the same, my friend.

      Kay💜

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