At the end of each day, after the girls are all tucked in, I shower, stripping away the grime of the day, put on my robe, and seat myself at M’s feet. He most always turns off the tv and electronics, and we enjoy alone time together before heading to bed. We talk, we laugh and cry. We sometimes cuddle on the floor. I look forward to and count on this time with him (he does too) every day – it is the one thing in this world that absolutely refills my well. It grounds me and solidifies me, especially on days when it feels as if the world has tried to make me crack.
But there are also times when he’d like to watch a show or read a bit, and I just sit. I lean against his chair with my head in his lap while he unconsciously plays with my curls. I don’t read or watch or listen. I just sit in his silence. I sit WITH him, even though his attention is not directed solely on me.
This hasn’t always been the case. In the times before we began living this way, my distracted and busy brain never stopped. I wouldn’t allow it to. I was afraid to – what lied beneath the busyness was a frightening mountain of emotions I wanted to avoid. Most evenings we’d watch tv and even talk some, but it was frequently day to day things or even sometimes deeper things, but the walls were still there. We weren’t ready yet to be this vulnerable and bare.
Now, in these evening moments, I can focus on him. I hear my inner voice without fear. I share of myself, freely. I listen intently. I want to know him. And when it’s silent or his focus isn’t solely on me, I’m able to tune out the world. I tell my inner voice to stop speaking. I breathe. I feel his warmth against my cheek, I feel the flow of positive, loving energy from his fingertips as they gently knead and lift and pull strands of my hair. I feel the joy and peace exuding as he randomly strokes my cheek with his thumb, and I sit.
Either way, at the end of every day, I revel in my existence with him, as his.
What an incredible gift this is, this comfort and contentment I’m not afraid of anymore.