When M and I began this journey, we’d already come so far in our relationship. This way was a natural progression, a path we were meant to take. We’d done so much to free ourselves to one another, both in and out of the bedroom. But when the spanking began, it sort of unleashed a fury of emotion and desires for me. All those things I’d daydreamed about suddenly seemed a possibility. I shared much of it with M, just so fucking happy to feel the freedom to do so.
At the same time, emotionally I became more and more raw in the process of letting go, a process which allowed me to tackle and face so many things about myself. The ground felt shaky – I trusted M more than ever, but I didn’t yet trust me. I relied so much on the reassurance I felt from him during sex and sexual experiences – it gave me such a concentrated sense of security in his control. His love and effort and care was tangible proof that I am enough, that I’m worthy, and that he desires me and won’t ever abandon me. Pair those insecurities with that excited freedom in my sexuality, and I let loose.
I constantly talked about sex, showed him things that interested me, imagined scenarios and shared them, and I asked for things. Internally, I hoped and even expected at times that he’d jump right in and I’d see those activities in our repertoire. M is a very kind man with a voracious sexual appetite, and in many instances, we did see those things in our repertoire……on his time. Not mine. He was interested, there’s no don’t about that, and had plenty of his own interests, but he had zero interest in pushing us too fast, too soon and sabotaging the groundwork we’d already established. He’s such a wise man.
There was no other way to trust in him, and learn to trust in me too, other than to let that go. I had to trust that I am enough, that I am worthy of his love and effort and care, and I had to see all those other billion ways in which he speaks to me in volumes that he needs me, desires me, and won’t ever leave. I HAD to acquiesce to his time. To him, period.
For a very long while, I stopped asking for things in the bedroom (but I’ll never stop the sexual talk and inuendos, it’s just who I am. I think it’s a gift 😜). In all aspects, I worked hard to not form expectations that would damage the groundwork we’d built, ones that most certainly were not fair to either of us. I learned to ask for what I needed emotionally. I watched and experienced this beautiful man flourish in his sexuality and in this connection we were growing. I felt the joy and excitement in him as we tried things I knew he’d desired and fantasized about and that in itself is something I will live for for the rest of my life. I communicated with him, unfiltered, about our experiences so we could build and grow. I trusted him completely. In doing so, I learned to trust in me. And that freedom to develop this unbelievable trust in me and in us has lead us to places I couldn’t have imagined if I tried.
This solid trust has allowed me to grow and begin to communicate my needs and desires and I do so with respect in his ability to discern our readiness, with the understanding that I’ll see it in our repertoire if he wishes and when he wishes. I trust in his ability to communicate with me, understand me, and fulfill my needs. He has done just that.
Now we’ve come to another new chapter. On Sunday we revised our rules, as we do every month. M added a new rule… every week I’m to share something I’d like to try and on Thursdays we’ll try them. At first, I was nervous! And uncomfortable with the idea! I do not want to take away from his leadership in any way. I don’t want him to do things just because I want them. But he wants a partner, and in my surrender, I am still his partner, one with wants and desires he values and wishes to fulfill, as I do him. There really isn’t much we wouldn’t do with and for the other, in the right time, for the right reasons…to further grow in love and trust, and to CELEBRATE us, our passion and love and trust manifested. To be the other’s desires in the flesh. That’s something I cannot explain.
Yesterday was Thursday…….WOW. The experience was more than I could have hoped for, better than any fantasy I conjured in my head. He took my words and spun them into an experience of his own. One that has left me in awe, again. Set aside the kinky stuff, and the awe is still so far reaching (another post to come). This place we’ve arrived stuns me, every day. The appreciation and gratitude I have is infinite.
A dear friend of mine mentioned how cool it would be to write out a bunch of my wants on paper and stick them in a fishbowl so M could draw one every Thursday. M loved the idea! So, I’m off to live in my head a while, writing naughty things on bits of paper…..