1. Psychiatry. a person who has masochism, the condition in which sexual or other gratification depends on one’s suffering physical pain or humiliation.
2. a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others.
3. a person who finds pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.
I’m a masochist.
It’s taken me two years to say those words out loud, to truly accept this part of me and fully embrace it. In fact, just the other day, I told M I had something to tell him. I knelt in front of him and told him, “I am a masochist,” to which he replied, “You’re just now figuring that out?”
I knew he knew, but I needed to say it aloud. I needed him to know I’ve embraced it, and thank him for embracing it too, for embracing all the parts of me that have come to fruition because of this relationship we have.
We’ve actually endlessly spoken about it. About everything, really, that’s all we do now. As much as we’ve talked about it and I began to accept it, there’s been this tiny space inside of me that has felt shame and guilt. Worry, even.
Much of my internal turmoil has centered around the why and the how. Why do I enjoy it so much? What do I gain? Is the why healthy? How does it apply or extend outside the bedroom?….and….how far will it go?
These questions have seemed to not be limited to the bedroom. They are not limited solely to BDSM or sex. Masochism to me is more than finding gratification in pain, although my body’s response and the pleasure I feel are undeniable. It’s an intensely spiritual extension of my surrender. In order to surrender, M must want to lead and receive my offering. That is where the worry came in.
M is not a sadist. He finds no joy in the singular act of inflicting pain, so communication has been the single most important tool we have. He enjoys the total, dynamic experience, the arousal and connectedness, being the orchestrator and conductor, being in control and the building of trust. My first hurdle was trusting he was doing what he wanted, when he wanted, and not doing things just for me…..and then truly letting go. I had to allow him to lead and receive my offerings, in his way, on his time, both in the bedroom and out. He flourished, and so did I.
But along the way, I’ve also worried because this need in me to give of myself to him is so BIG. It drives me. In the bedroom, it’s so easily exposed. Raw, even, more so than any other place. It’s as if we strip down to nothing and everything and it’s all there to intertwine with the other. I give and he takes. He gives and I take. And on and on, until we are more than we were before. When we push and go further, into one another.
When we come together, when M is orchestrating, there’s this otherworldly zone I reach. It’s a deeply inward, sinking and soul-searching place I reach when I’m pushed, when our trust is expanded and deepened. That feeling is what I crave, and it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s reached always with pain. My body is screaming ‘fuck, fuck, fucking fuck that hurts’ or ‘oh, my God, I don’t think I can do it’ but my brain is saying ‘ahhhhhhh’ and eventually the challenge and ahh meld into this peaceful place of offering and total surrender. The challenge becomes the ahh. It is the pleasure and the fulfillment. That’s been scary at times, but that trust we build is so unbeleivable. I just want more, I want to give more.
And there are those things he asks of me, things he wants or desires which I know he knows are most challenging for me…..the ones which may even illicit an instinctual, internal anger or defiance or shame response….those are the most fulfilling. In or out of the bedroom. Overcoming the fear and meeting that challenge fulfills me in a way I’m not sure I could describe. I feel an overwhelming sense of fulfillment because I’m able to give that to him, to realize more about myself, for him. I feel power in pleasing him, in being his. I feel owned. Even that word isn’t scary anymore. In fact, it illicits a warmth in the pit of by belly to know I truly belong to him.
So what began as a writing about masochism a few months ago, has become more about the nature of my surrender to M. I suppose embracing my masochistic needs and desires has helped me to more fully unlock and understand my true self and my need to offer everything that I am to M. I’ve tapped in to the core of my being. I find more than pleasure in my surrender, both physical and emotional. I’ve found the core of my existence.
This life has taught me that I have strength, that I can endure and overcome and walk away anew. It’s how I survived. Those parts of me are the very center of my being, they are what I’ve counted on inside of me, they are what have kept me going…….and I need to give those things that mean so much to me to M. I need to offer him my strength and endurance, in my surrender. I need to keep digging deep, challenging myself to find more and more to give, and to offer that to him, holding nothing back. And I’ll do so until I leave this world.
I’m not sure how far that will go or what forms it will take. I’m certain desires will change, limits will evolve, or they may even cease to exist, I don’t know. I think we’ll just enjoy the ride, freely.
Because I am in love, unconditionally.
Unconditional love: noun
1.affection with no limits or conditions; complete love