Full Circle

When I ventured into the world of online blogging, I was seeking something. I wasn’t even sure what it was that I was seeking. Having begun a personal journey of accepting and acknowledging things about myself, becoming more open and vulnerable with M, as well as beginning to fully embrace my sexuality, I was bursting with enthusiasm and needed an outlet. Connection of some kind. Celebration, understanding, and further exploration.

When I was looking for pictures one day, I stumbled upon Tumblr. Thousands of pics and gifs scrolled by, some of which were very beautiful and intriguing, but I was most intrigued by the community of open people. People who also embraced sexuality, people who spoke openly and shared of themselves. The openness was inspiring. And scary. I’d never connected with anyone via the internet. Hell, Facebook was the only social media I’d ย ever even attempted, and I had no friends really. No close ones.

Stumbling upon the writings of several truly gifted and wise women, I was enthralled – oh, God, how I could relate! I found women who struck such a chord with me and it was such an amazing feeling. At a point in my marriage and with my own personal journey, when I felt so free, yet so unsure, even the connection of reading about other’s journeys made me feel not so alone, not so unsure. In fact, it felt wonderful to find a place where I felt I belonged, and it felt as if that connection to others was helping to light my/our way. Not that I wanted to follow in footsteps, just that reading the words of others made me think, long and hard, to look inward and to further encourage conversations with M. And that process was invaluable. So much so that I also opened a blog on WordPress, where I also fell in love with the community. I read every day and related and reflected, almost obsessively so.

I also wrote, a lot. Writing for me was a diary, a way to sort and express all the overwhelming feelings that jumbled around in my head and my heart as I put one foot in front of the other. The amount of sorting and understanding and evolving I needed to do left me feeling as if I was busting at the seams. The process of writing helped me to express myself with M, it sparked more and more writing, and the connections and comments and conversations with others about the topics helped that process to continue. I felt validated, even not so crazy amidst the rapid-feeling changes, and certainly less alone in my process. I began to feel understood in ways I never had, just as I began to better understand myself.

As I searched and read and commented, I met a handful of amazing women with whom I’ve become very goods friends. The best of friends, to me at least, virtual or not. Women with whom I can truly be myself, women I realize I’ve waited my whole life to find.

Somewhere along the way, as I began to know myself, writing for my blogs began to evolve, to change in purpose and feel. I began to question my motives, to feel as though I might be writing some things in order to seek approval, to fit in, or to feed my ego to an extent. I mean, don’t we all? Blogging is a form of emotional masturbation, no matter how you slice it. It then began to feel as if it was an obligation or responsibility, as if I’d lose my place in the community if I didn’t produce something frequently…..but also I began to miss the pats on the back or encouraging words when I went for too long without producing. I felt as if I was disappointing someone…..whether it be the followers or myself. I felt as if I was failing at meeting some set of expectations I’d set for myself, unrealistic and unhealthy ones. Maybe even that if I didn’t write, I wasn’t properly sorting and evolving. I knew, without a doubt, it was time to reevaluate why I was blogging. I knew it would evolve, and it had.

For some time, I’ve felt a discontent, trying to figure out if I should stay, and if so, why? For what purpose?

As I’ve sought the answers to those questions, I’ve realized that my sorting and sharing in the blog world isn’t important to me for the same reasons as it was at the start. I’m not so unsure anymore. I have a confidence and security in my relationship that keeps me grounded and I’m finding that I really prefer to share my thoughts with M (a process which only brings us closer and deeper as one) and I don’t always feel the the need to stop and write it down, to miss out on opportunities to enjoy the now with my family. I enjoy speaking to my friends, too.

At this point, I just don’t need to write so often in order to sort – I think and talk and sort that way, and if I feel like writing and have the time, I do. I trust myself more now. I trust M. I don’t need the blog to feel validated any longer. While I still have moments and times when I feel like a basket case, I’m confident I’ll get through it, every time. That we will. I trust. And while I do sometimes feel lonely in the absence of my friends whom I love so much, I no longer feel alone.

What began a couple years ago as a virtual diary in which to utilize to know more about myself, has taken many twists and turns, but it’s come full circle. At this point in my life, in this virtual world, I seek to to continually grow and further understand myself, and to celebrate this life, my sexuality, and this amazing relationship I have with M. I enjoy sharing that with others and reading about others who seek similar things. I still very much enjoy reading the words of others – I read to feel a kindred spirit, to admire another’s way of thinking, to challenge my capacity to be human and to learn, or to feel awe in another’s capacity to love and to live. But I don’t write to seek approval or to fulfill any sense of obligation or responsibility. I don’t read to fit in or to feel as if my path or my choices in this life are the right ones. I do it because it feels good and that’s a good enough reason for me.

Writing for this blog has become a lovely, welcome addition in my life. A healthy one. Reading has become something that touches my heart and warms my soul. And for these things ย I’m very grateful.

So, I’ll be around. It will likely continue to be less frequent and more sporadic, but I’m here.

37 thoughts on “Full Circle

  1. Woman! We are identical twins separated at birth, I am SURE of that now. Every time I read your words, I read my thoughts on the page. AMAZING! I am so happy that you have found your center. I wish you nothing but continued exploration and love. The less frequently part makes me sad, but the joy I feel in your words make me sore high enough to sustain me until you come back again. XOXO

  2. Little sister, you know I understand this. You learn, you grow and you step in the direction that is right for you โค๏ธ

    You’re stuck with me WP or not.

  3. i will miss your frequent insights and adventures, but understand a sharpening of focus for you. Eagerly anticipating new posts whenever they come ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. I’m so happy we “met” Kay. . I wish I could feel as sure as you! I am trying to find my way though. ๐Ÿ˜Š
    Thank you for always understanding my some what “flighty” way. I’ve learned to much from your writing and all though I’ve enjoyed other blogs as well, yours has always held a special place in my fairy heart.

      • This was the first. It was on a post titled Honeymoon Do-Over.

        “OMG Do it! Do it now, book the trip. Suprise him. The same place but a different you and he. If I ever get married again I would take a honeymoon every year! Even if it meant just turning off the phones telling everyone youโ€™ll be gone and hiding out in your own home turned love nest. I am so in love with the renaissance of your marriage. You prove that marriage doesnโ€™t have to deteriorate after โ€œI doโ€. Even after it hits a lull, with effort it can survive and thrive and be even better than the start.”

        Then you responded with this, after I thanked you and told you I’d get into trouble for spending money like that now, lol.

        “Well the beauty of it comes through in your writing ๐Ÿ™‚ I was married for ten years and now divorced for ten. So just from the math you could tell I am of a certain age as well. I stumbled upon this world just a few months ago. A few months before my stumble I met a wonderful man. For the first time in my mature life I feel completely head over heels in love, and itโ€™s because I can let go now and embrace my want to submit. I donโ€™t see it as weakness any more. I havenโ€™t brought up the topic with him of D/s we have only been together 7 months and Iโ€™m not sure how to really. But I have incorporated submission at the emotional level, and he is a naturally dominant, protective and loving man. Itโ€™s because of blogs like yours that have opened my mind and my heart. Thank you so very much for sharing yourself. You should know how much good it does.”

        And you’ve forever etched a place in my heart. ๐Ÿ’œ

  5. I have struggled with whether I should continue my blog and have tried to explain, but never as perfectly as this! I’m in such a different place now than when I began and I just don’t need the blog world as I once did. I’ve questioned my motivation, too. Even lately, as I’ve been trying to post more, sometimes it feels forced, an obligation rather than an outlet. Seriously…everything you’ve said here really hit home! Glad you won’t be disappearing, though. ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks for this post.

  6. So glad you found what you were looking for my love. It’s amazing to watch how you have come full circle. I hope I am part of that happiness. Your friendship means the world to me.

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