Now I Know

Today, I’ve been married to this man I love with my whole heart for 17 years. 22 years ago, I asked him to our homecoming dance; we’d already known one another for 3 years. 25 years is a long time to know a person. It’s the longest any man has ever played a steady role in my life.

When we met, I had no idea what happy looked like. I didn’t really know what it felt like, not in a relationship. Hell, not even individually, really. I had an idea about how it might feel, but I had no idea how to attain that. But, I had hope. I always had hope.

It wasn’t love at first sight, but there was something about him that shook me from the start. He gripped me – he saw me like no one else had. There was something between us that left me off-balance and scared, honestly scared. From the moment we began dating, I was afraid I’d lose him. Part of that was my own insecurities and trust issues, worry that I’d push him away, that I wasn’t worthy, or that he’d think I was too much or too broken and walk away. But the thing that left me most scared was that I knew he was trustworthy. I wanted to truly trust him, and that scared the shit out of me.

And here I sit, 22 years later, happy and content. Happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. There are things I’m working on as an individual, but I’m happy, because I can. I’m at a place where I’m accepting of my whole person, or I’m trying to be. I can, because of this amazing man sitting next to me reading ESPN. I trust him with all that I am. Curled up under this blanket in front of a fire, leaning into him, I’m happy, with him. We’re happy. Content. Wildly and passionately in love. Free. Safe.

Now I know what it looks like. Now I know how it feels.

And it feels amazing.

13 thoughts on “Now I Know

  1. Happy, happy anniversary my little sister of the heart. You are a beautiful flower and it’s been one of my life’s great joys having you come into my life and heart. I feel more and more the same for M. You are family, soul siblings and I am so very happy for the love you share and release into this crazy world.

  2. Happy belated anniversary, you two!! In solid middle age, i have found that LM knows me to depths no one has ever cared to and i relate to the connection you speak of. It’s simultaneously wonderful and scary, but neither of us would trade it for anything. It’s only been three years knowing each other and just now one in D/s, but the anticipation of each day knowing how He loves flawed me is exhilarating. It is an honor to love Him. 💜

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