Deeper…

Each week on Sunday, M and I make time to review our weekly goals and expectations. Over the past couple of months, those have gradually evolved. So many of the original rules are things which we just do, so M has gradually added some which are meant to further invest in our connection. The weekly things have moved beyond those and have allowed us to constantly evaluate where we are and what we each want or need.

To our main set of rules, for example, he’s instituted the goal of taking a getaway weekend or evening at least once a quarter. Also, we do a date night every week, even if it’s just out for a brief coffee.

In the weekly rules, he’s added that Sunday is our most lengthy impact evening and Friday is the night we do something from the fantasy bowl.

More and more, M is injecting very specific wants and desires, especially to those weekly goals/expectations, things which he finds to be deeply gratifying, but which he also understands fulfill a need in me as well. Isn’t that fucking unreal?!?!

Now, he tells me what he’d like me to wear every day, whether it’s clothing, or a hairstyle, or both. He requests pictures, gives me sexual or other tasks, and even gives me homework to research or family-type tasks to complete over the course of each week.

This week, I was told that when he requests me to wear my collar, I’m to remove the day choker and await him, as he will be the one to place it around my neck.

Also, I’m to learn how to make the perfect old fashioned. It will be called ‘his drink’, and he’ll request that I make it for him when he’d like one. The best part is that when he explained it to me, he related it to the same feeling of me wearing and him seeing me wearing the choker, him putting on my collar and me wearing it, and also me wearing things he likes and him getting to appreciate that. All of those things please him and also fulfill a need in me! It’s always a win/win, an endless loop!

I’m in love with the continual evolution. I’m in love with the opportunities to continually please him. I’m in love with the further deepening of our connection and the freedom to constantly communicate and do so.

I am so deeply in love.

More Than…

For Christmas, M surprised me with a pendant for my choker. Then, later, and by utter surprise, he gave me a collar. Generally, things don’t mean a lot to me, they never really have. But, sometimes, things are more than things.

Last night, as I knelt with my eyes tightly closed as instructed, I felt it in his fingertips as he slid the leather around my neck, buckling it snugly. I saw it in his eyes when I opened my own; I felt the energy emanating from him. His arousal was evident, and his words confirmed what I already knew, what we already felt. Guiding me, his gripping fingers tugging on the silver loops reminded me. And the leather’s constant, soft, yet encompassing embrace reminded me. The tinking of the metal loop as I moved my body with him and for him reminded me. My tears reminded me.

Actually, it felt like more than a reminder. It was a celebration – a celebration of that knowledge, of that exchange between us and the affirmation and celebration of what just IS.

Today, helping my daughter replace a shoe into a box on the shelf at the shoe store, I turn to find M sitting on the bench directly to my right. Raising his eyes from that beautiful M resting in the dip in my neck, up to my eyes, I saw it. I felt it. The air was thicker, this knowledge passing between us, and nothing else existed for a moment. I saw the light in his eyes, the knowing smile on his face. When he wrapped his arms around me as he pulled me to him, I felt more than just his embrace. I felt something more passing between us.

The leather is not custom made, nor is it embellished. It is plain and black, and it fits me perfectly. When he placed it around my neck, I felt this unbelievable exhilaration, but also a settling in me, as if I’d just exhaled a long-held breath. I felt full, I felt alive.

The necklace is just a piece of jewelry, nothing expensive; a plain silver choker and repurposed pendant stamped with an M. It is heavy and comes to a rounded point in the dip of my neck, and I feel it when I shift my weight all day long. I’m aware of its presence, and I find myself looking at it or reaching up to stroke it with my fingers. I remember the look on his face and desire and knowledge in his eyes when he gave it to me and when he purposefully admires me in it.

Both pieces are very simple and inexpensive by any standard. Yet, each was chosen by M for me, making them oriceless. Each is a tangible symbol of this commitment we have, of this place we’ve reached, and this journey we continue….of this exchange and this LOVE in which we vow to always invest.

They may just be simple things, but in me, they are alive.

(Extra)ordinary

Today was an ordinary day.

I woke to a buzzing hum, to trembles and glistening skin, to following.

I dressed with sleepy eyes, but with warmth and excitement, as I slipped into the outfit he’d asked me to wear.

I made breakfasts and lunches, gleefully interrupted by a behind the back, engulfing embrace, a hand tugging in my hair, and hearty swats on the bottom.

All day, my mind drifted, replaying moments in time, as I busily worked with warm cheeks and butterflies flying around in my belly.

I walked by the shelf in the kitchen, bumping my rear against it, the sore tissue sending a smile to my face and exhaling a ‘mmmmm’ from my lips.

I heard the distinctive ding on my phone, and my eyes lit up as big as my smile.

I closed my eyes, relishing the feel of strong, yet gentle fingertips running through my curls, stopping every so often to stroke my cheek or dip downward into my collarbone.

I looked into his eyes and I saw my future. I saw happy.

Today was an ordinary day.

For You

I am the breath held in

desperate

patient

I am the linger

the pause

teasing

wanting

begging

I am

white knuckles

twisted sheets

aching muscles

sinking teeth

slippery sweat

eyes shut tight

closing out the world

I am warm whispers

trembling

obeying

I am the deepest thrust

the dropping jaw

gasping

pounding

owning

I am

shiver shudder

guttural moan

dripping wetness

stinging flesh

pain pleasure

oh please oh please oh please

breath catching need

for you

Merging

There was once a girl inside this chamber
Nestled in my heart,
It’s where she safely laughed and played,
So we were never far apart.

A very long time ago,
She skipped and giggled free,
Until the scary darkness came,
Causing her to flee.

The darkness began to multiply,
And she’d hide more each day.
Before too long she stayed inside,
And never came out to play.

I locked tight the chamber door,
To save her innocence.
In hopes one day there’d be a safe place,
In which we could sing and dance.

For years she frolicked all alone,
Nestled safely in my core.
Waiting to trust the sunshine,
So she could play freely once more.

Then one day I looked around,
And realized the sun had been SHINING.
I’d missed it while guarding the chamber door;
I couldn’t see the silver lining.

Now she roams, unrestrained,
Her smile upon my face.
Another set of eyes to see,
On this journey I embrace.

Shakin’ My Ass

Dancing has always made me self conscious. I was never terrible at it, but I loathed the thought of drawing attention to myself; I just wanted to blend in, to not be noticed. Even with M, I was self conscious, and even more so when I gained weight. Other than slow dancing, I think we’ve only danced together maybe two or three times in 22 years.

But there’s this song I just heard for the first time a few weeks ago.

One night recently, it was on our playlist during some intimate time. After some whip and cane impact, M covered me with his body as I lay on my belly. He was propped up on his arms, pinning my hair to the bed with his forearms, making it almost impossible for me to move, but when this song came on (and I rarely hear the music), it gripped me! The sultry tune draws me in every time.

I moved my hips and whispered the words to his lips next to mine. I’m not even sure how I know the words, they must have stuck from the first time I heard it.

It’s been stuck in my head for days at a time and even visited my dreams, it seems, because I’ve woken up singing it. And last week, I played that same playlist while I was in the kitchen making soup, and I just felt it. I closed my eyes and moved my hips, I swayed and I moved…and all I could think about is how fucking sexy he makes me feel, how deep in my bones and throughout whole my soul this love is. I moved, and got goosebumps. It gripped me again, this song.

When I hear it, I imagine our two bodies moving slowly to its tempo, two as one warm, flowing fluid, permeating and intoxicating, just like the liquor about which they sing. I feel the heat between us, I see the passion in his eyes. I see white-knuckled fingers, trails of wetness, and teeth sinking in.

And I move my body, effortlessly. For whatever reason, this song has helped me to further break the self-conscious barrier and truly remind me of the confidence which M helps to instill in me, confidence in myself and confidence in us.

That day I danced in the kitchen, I captured it on video for M. Nothing special, just me moving as I do when I hear this song, thinking of him, being me. Then I sent it to him at work.

My M praises me all the time. He thanks me, tells me I’m sexy and beautiful, and makes sure I know he appreciates the things I do. And over the last few years, I’ve begun to truly internalize those things. It’s not that I never felt I had worth, but his support and honest expressions of truth have helped me to see with more clarity and BELIEVE him. To better see my value, to feel my worth, and to see myself through his eyes.

I’ve gone from being so self conscious that I often wished I was invisible, (despite my outer hard shell), to feeling happy to be seen…as me. Even in the bedroom, I’m less inclined to have my attention pulled away with concern about how I must look in this position or that. I’ve enthusiastically participated in him taking photos of me and willingly (and even deviously) sent him photos.

And then, I danced for him and sent him that video. He was so pleased, but not just because he thought my body looked sexy – he was truly pleased with my confidence. My confidence IS SEXY! I see it in his eyes, and I know how much it pleases him.

So, tonight for his birthday, I’m gonna play that song and shake my ass for him in person. I’m gonna show him just how he makes me feel.

Confident. Sexy. HIS.