Dancing has always made me self conscious. I was never terrible at it, but I loathed the thought of drawing attention to myself; I just wanted to blend in, to not be noticed. Even with M, I was self conscious, and even more so when I gained weight. Other than slow dancing, I think we’ve only danced together maybe two or three times in 22 years.
But there’s this song I just heard for the first time a few weeks ago.
One night recently, it was on our playlist during some intimate time. After some whip and cane impact, M covered me with his body as I lay on my belly. He was propped up on his arms, pinning my hair to the bed with his forearms, making it almost impossible for me to move, but when this song came on (and I rarely hear the music), it gripped me! The sultry tune draws me in every time.
I moved my hips and whispered the words to his lips next to mine. I’m not even sure how I know the words, they must have stuck from the first time I heard it.
It’s been stuck in my head for days at a time and even visited my dreams, it seems, because I’ve woken up singing it. And last week, I played that same playlist while I was in the kitchen making soup, and I just felt it. I closed my eyes and moved my hips, I swayed and I moved…and all I could think about is how fucking sexy he makes me feel, how deep in my bones and throughout whole my soul this love is. I moved, and got goosebumps. It gripped me again, this song.
When I hear it, I imagine our two bodies moving slowly to its tempo, two as one warm, flowing fluid, permeating and intoxicating, just like the liquor about which they sing. I feel the heat between us, I see the passion in his eyes. I see white-knuckled fingers, trails of wetness, and teeth sinking in.
And I move my body, effortlessly. For whatever reason, this song has helped me to further break the self-conscious barrier and truly remind me of the confidence which M helps to instill in me, confidence in myself and confidence in us.
That day I danced in the kitchen, I captured it on video for M. Nothing special, just me moving as I do when I hear this song, thinking of him, being me. Then I sent it to him at work.
My M praises me all the time. He thanks me, tells me I’m sexy and beautiful, and makes sure I know he appreciates the things I do. And over the last few years, I’ve begun to truly internalize those things. It’s not that I never felt I had worth, but his support and honest expressions of truth have helped me to see with more clarity and BELIEVE him. To better see my value, to feel my worth, and to see myself through his eyes.
I’ve gone from being so self conscious that I often wished I was invisible, (despite my outer hard shell), to feeling happy to be seen…as me. Even in the bedroom, I’m less inclined to have my attention pulled away with concern about how I must look in this position or that. I’ve enthusiastically participated in him taking photos of me and willingly (and even deviously) sent him photos.
And then, I danced for him and sent him that video. He was so pleased, but not just because he thought my body looked sexy – he was truly pleased with my confidence. My confidence IS SEXY! I see it in his eyes, and I know how much it pleases him.
So, tonight for his birthday, I’m gonna play that song and shake my ass for him in person. I’m gonna show him just how he makes me feel.
Confident. Sexy. HIS.