Simultaneous Storms

Walls of white wet canvas
Violent serenade of rain surrounds us

Blackness all that eyes do see 
Two silhouettes moving to nature’s music, free

Arms encase me, following your command
From your lips unto my hands

Violet vibration hums inside
Outside Magenta buzzes and glides

Storm clouds brew within us too 
Need rumbling through to every curve and thew

Agonizingly teasing, fast-fast-slow
Over and over your answer is, “No”

Eager leg lifted, up and over yours
Talented fingers have me begging for more

“That’s my girl,” as viscous need builds
Storms eye focused, bodies thrilled

Face to face, our silhouettes lay 
Flashes of lightening strobe and play

Illuminating your powerful, hungry eyese 
Every ounce of me complies

“Please, Sir,” I plead, again and again 
“Yes,” you reply amidst thunderous din

Crashing waves of passionate release
Quiet and still, on the outside, I please

“Good girl,” whispered in my ear 
Encapsulating arms pulling me nearer

In the pitter patter of drops and strumming breeze 
Kneeling, I honor upon my knees

To outer storm’s symphony we close our eyese 
Storm inside quieted, our lullaby

~It’s raining here, and I was reminded of this evening, when M and I enjoyed the storm. (REPOST)

The Gap

Here are my entries for Hugh’s Weekly Photo Challenge: Week 19 – Gap.

 
The gap in a root found on a hike at a local park.

  
The gap in rock formations at the Cantwell Cliffs. 

 
The gap on peeling park on a local tree.

   
The gap in timbers on an old horse barn in Southern Ohio.

  The gap in two rock formations made into a stairway.

Broken

  

~photo found via Google, photonesta.com

If you are broken,
I feel I must always be strong
Even when I’m brittle
Cracks splintering so long

If you’re so broken,
Oh, God, what if I break, too?
Who then will carry us?
Who will see us through?

If you are broken,
And I’m broken too,
Maybe you can pick up the pieces
And I can be the glue?

Come Away With Me

  
Photo chosen was inspired by the lyrics from “Come Away With Me” by Nora Jones. It was taken in the Alleghany Mountains, on a beautiful lake in Pennsylvania. We’d just come off the water in our kayaks, M and I. I often daydream about sneaking away to that spot, kayaks and a tent, just the two of us.

Lyrics:

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can’t tempt us
With their lies

I want to walk with you 
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won’t you try to come

Come away with me and we’ll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I’ll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I’m safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you

To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

Post inspired by The Daily Post Photo Challenge, Half-Light

But a Dream

Warming my toes, my dear friend Oscar snores, a beagle blanket for my feet as I write.

Wistfully, he huffs and whines, his movements twitchy as he chases after something he can only see in his dreams.

I dare not wake him; I know exactly how he feels.

Ethereal

Help me to unzip this skin,
To peel away the debris,
Allow me to inhale
For a moment, carefree

Take command, my whole being, 
Chisel away each demand,
Silence the earthly din
With the grip of your hands

Strip me down and bare me,
Make me look into your eyes,
Sinking into your soul, 
Cradled, where my truth lies 

Let me be your blank canvas, 
Tether us, one energy,
An ethereal existence,
No space or time, just free 

Hold On Forever

I’ve been in a rut for a while as far as my job is concerned.  No matter how hard I try to have a positive attitude, there’s no well left from which to draw. It has depleted me, and as much as the rest of my life is filled with amazing things happening, I can’t seem to draw from it and fill my well.  And sharing with M just how down I am, how emotionally frail I feel regarding my job, has been difficult. 

Although my journey has helped me to expose myself to him, the deepest crevices of my soul, needing him this much is the most vulnerable I ever been. 

For about the last year, I’ve been stuck in this weird cycle I can’t seem to stop. My stress level will soar, and I’ll share with him that I need help finding ways and making time to fill my well. In so many ways, we’ve done so, building into our daily lives these wonderfully connecting things that bring light to our days, and also help me focus on the positive. Even so, I feel as if my well is drawn upon faster than I can fill it. I will crash, and feel so deflated. I’ll share it with him, and he is so supportive and helpful, but then I feel shame, because I can’t bare to feel like a burden. So I’ll find myself in an upswing, motivated by guilt and shame, and wanting to add something to his well instead of drawing from it, but that doesn’t last long. How could it? Then I’ll crash, again, in an endless cycle. 

Truth? I’m scared. Terrified, actually. Behind this feeling of the deepest vulnerability  I’ve ever felt, is difficulty trusting. I can’t seem to make the best of the now, because I’m too busy not trusting the future, not trusting M, and not trusting me. I’m allowing those same old issues to seep through: shame, guilt, and issues with worth, even though this man sitting next to me not only allows me to lean on him, but he cradles me in his palm and guides the way. Even though I know there’s light at the of the tunnel, and that M intends to help me shorten the length of that tunnel. I know he’s doing his best to help me transition into a new job, and that is scary, too. 

And as powerful as this relationship feels, as freeing and supportive it is, there are some things in me that this dynamic won’t fix. Can it support? Will it lift me and empower me? Yes! But’s it’s not even fair to think it will fix these feelings in me which existed long before he and I became one – that power lies within me. I’m so fortunate to have him, to have this relationship to lean on. To count on.

These lyrics really hit home right now. I need to trust. I need to let go. I need to hold on….forever….

Another night and here we are again
All our faults laid out ahead
Let it out, then let it right back in
All those voices in your head

And we both know everything, but we can’t learn to leave
So I’ll tell you what you need

First thing: we make you feel better
Next stop: we pull it all together
I’ll keep you warm like a sweater
Take my hand, hold on forever

Just fall apart if you need to
I’m here and I won’t leave you now
Don’t look down
Hold on forever

Lay down all your troubles end to end
They could reach up to the stars
So many roads, you don’t know where you’ve been
But you still know who you are

And if I seem preoccupied, I’m wondering what to do
So here’s my recipe for you

First thing: we make you feel better
Next stop: we pull it all together
I’ll keep you warm like a sweater
Take my hand, hold on forever
Just fall apart if you need to
I’m here and I won’t leave you now
Don’t look down
Hold on forever

And we both know everything, but we can’t learn to leave
So I’ll tell you what you need

First thing: we make you feel better
Next stop: we pull it all together
I’ll keep you warm like a sweater
Take my hand, hold on forever
Just fall apart if you need to
I’m here and I won’t leave you now
Don’t look down
Hold on forever

Just take my hand; hold on forever
Hold on forever

Just take my hand; hold on forever


~Rob Thomas

Letting Go…

I need you. I am ashamed.

Those words are maybe the most difficult I’ve ever spoken. I’m not perfect, and I never was. I never will be, although I spent way too many years of my life hoping I could be, wishing I could live up to other’s expectations, and hoping I’d be enough.

And for most of my life, I tried really hard not to need anyone, even though I poured my heart into every relationship I ever had. I let others need me, but I couldn’t need in return. I mean, I could, I just couldn’t let the other know just how much.

I also jumped in with two feet into anything I did – relationships, school, jobs, everything. I found strength within myself to get through anything, regardless of the cost to me. It was never a question of whether I could, I just did.

I did what I thought I should. I put others first. I came through. You could count on me. Always.

But that had a high cost. So high.

It has taken me a long time, but I’ve come to a place where I can tell others when I need them, although it’s not always easy. I still feel shame, but I’m trying.

With M, I’m so open about my needs, but it feels all tangled at times, because I have this intense need to please him first and to seek his permission to put my needs on the priority list. And when I fail at making myself clear in what I need or expressing it fully, because I’m ashamed, I end up feeling even worse, as if even he isn’t making my needs a priority. I’ve made that mistake more than I care to admit.

Over the last few years, I’ve shared with M how much I need him, but my job is an issue that has only gotten worse. I’ve tried to express just how much worse, and what I need because of it, but I’ve not always succeeded. Now, I’m at a place where, despite the amazing things going on in our relationship and with my girls, I feel like I’m drowning. My job is sucking the life out of me. It has slowly, over the course of 13 years, completely depleted me, and it has far reaching affects in all areas of my life. I’m running on fumes at this point, and the thing is….I know I have the strength to get through. I do. It’s a part of me which will never ever go away. I can dig deep and do whatever I have to.

But I don’t want to be strong in this case, not anymore. The cost is far too high. Putting that face on and stuffing those feelings away so I can get through turns me into someone I’m not, someone I don’t like. Someone who isn’t ME.

And I NEVER want to feel like a foreigner in my own skin again.

In order to get through it, I need M more than I ever have. I need him to be the life raft. I need him to help me to not lose me. Ever again. I need my needs to matter as much to him as they do to me….and in order for him to be able to fully do that….I need to lay them in his lap and let go of the shame I feel for needing him as much as I do.

Slowly, and layer by layer, I have shared my deep need for him as well as my needs. I have laid them all out, open and honest, absolutely and completely.

I can’t say my shame is gone, but it’s one step closer to letting it all go. And it’s allowing us to go even deeper together. We are building the structure we need to get through it, the structure I need. It’s going to be a process, one we’ll have to tackle together.

And my strength? It’s still here. He’s my raft right now. I’m hanging on with all my might.

But I’m still kicking my feet like a mofo, while I hang on.

Trivial

am I irrelevant?

I suppose asking

that question is like

pissing in the wind,

when the answer

is likely to be twisted,

pointed back in my direction,

the wall of defense too thick,

when I’m left feeling peripheral,

in focus only when my voice is loud,

the squeaky wheel getting the grease,

a game of manipulation,

one I’m no longer

willing to play,

when my thinking of you

and hoping you’ll do the same

becomes inconsequential,

exteraneous,

irrelevant,

ash, blowing in the wind