Help Me

Standing at the kitchen counter, she stared at the bag of Doritos. She’d promised herself she’d treat herself well, energizing her body with fuel that truly made her feel good, inside and out. She knew how, she’d done it before; she’d lost 80 pounds naturally, with sweat and tears and finding what worked for her, over and again, through every misstep and plateau.

Yet, here she was, staring at the open bag of Doritos, sliding in her hand, promising herself she’d eat just a few.

Oh, wow. I forgot how good these are. 

A few more won’t hurt. 

That few, allowed a few more, and a few more, until the rest of the bag was gone.

It was so easy, even now after all that hard work, for her to squash that reasonable voice which begged her to stop, that reminded her how awful she’d feel after. And she knew that awful feeling! She’d stared at the bottom of dozens of Dorito bags in the time before. She’d rationalized that voice away hundreds and thousands of times, allowing fear and stress to twist her thoughts ass backward and tell her she deserved to eat yummy things, to be rewarded for her hard work and effort, and not feel deprived. She’d felt that all too brief euphoria after the indulgences, stuffing that rational voice to the pit of her gut under all that junk. She’d stuffed it away until the scale read 260.

It had been been an endless cycle of stuffing feelings, feeding them with food, and feeling guilt and shame. It would be now, too, if she let it.

Staring now at this empty bag, she was sure her shame would more than fill it. It grew and grew, until it took up all the space in the room, permeating her pores, infiltrating her gut to a wretching level. Tears dripped down her cheeks and onto the bag….crack, crack, crack.

Wiping away the tears, she walked the six steps to the bathroom. She glared at herself in the mirror. For a moment, she contemplated sticking her fingers down her throat, purging and purging until all that molten shame was out, flushable.

That’s too easy.

I have to live with the consequences, that’s what I deserve. 

Again, tears came, trickling down her cheeks, dripping from her jawline into the sink, although she paid them no attention.

Oh, God. How did I get here again?

“Help me,” she whispered, to no one, the no one looking back at her.

Created in response to: Help, Daily Prompt. While I’m at a much better place now, this is a part of my story. It was an all too familiar place for me. I see glimpses on occasion if I let myself; the struggle continues.

35 thoughts on “Help Me

  1. I don’t think I can do justice to the above comment, so true it is. We need to love ourselves, it hurt me when my friend called herself a nobody, I told her I never wanted to hear that again, not the best but a gut reaction. The gift of life is worth hanging onto, living day to day, in the moment, seeking help when it is needed. Off my soap box now. ❤

    • I’m happy you shared your soap box! That negative self talk can easily spiral to an ugly place of we let it. Living in the moment and practicing compassion for oneself…that is what I aim for. Thank you, Holly.

  2. Ohhhh so true. I ate burgers four at a time, with onion rings & fries, & washed ’em down with scotch until the scale said 325 lbs. Then I said I had to stop, had to get myself under control. So I stopped drinking, I stopped eating burgers four at a time. Today the scale says 243 lbs, but every time I eat anything I feel like the minute I finish, the scale will once again say 325 lbs. Every time I look in a mirror, I see the 325 lbs shapeless blob staring back at me.

    • I know how you feel…we never see the us others see, the one we should see…the one who is real. I don’t know you, but I’m so proud of you; it’s hard to lose weight no matter what anyone may say. You have done well, and should be proud of yourself too!

    • That’s awesome, Cara! I totally understand that feeling, I worry far too often about those 80 pounds creeping back on. And sometimes I gain 15 pounds and have to face the losing it again, he feeling of failure. I’m also left with lost of skin and squishy bits, and it makes me sad and angry sometimes. Like you, I still see myself as bigger. I wonder of that ever goes away?

      • I didn’t lose 80 lbs, I lost a little over a hundred…but that was 3 1/2 years ago. I’ve KEPT 80 lbs off, but that feeling like I’ve gained it all back is a constant, is heavier than the weight I lost.

  3. Kay, thank you for sharing part of your story. You weave the pain of your struggle within your words beautifully. Although I’ve been victorious over several hard things in my life, they seem to be there waiting for me in my weakest moments. A mistake made is not defeat though. I certainly mess up….a lot……but I don’t give in to the shame. I try not to give in to the shame. I fight not to give in to the shame.

    • It is! I can count on it, sort of like a security blanket of sorts. But I’m learning my patterns and trying not to do that! Thank you for sharing, Sonia!

  4. Why is it that no matter how old and wise we get, that stupid number on the scale dictates our self worth? You are more than a number. Don’t beat yourself for indulging. We all do it. Go on and forget about it. Now….. If I could only learn to practice what I preach it would be all good. Love you. I think you’re beautiful just the way you are❤️❤️❤️

  5. Wonderful post. It is such a struggle. I lost 72 lb and they creep back on, the insidious devils. Now I need to lose 25. I am just unable to get on that treadmill and stop with sweets and carbs. WHY.

    • Ahh, me too. I yo-yo with about 10-15, and I keep telling myself if I lost an overall 25, I’d be happy. And I can muster up an excuse like nobody’s business to keep me from exercising and allowing the treats too often!

      Maybe just living in the today instead of focusing on the scale? I’m trying that. Overall health and well being and see where that leads me!

      Thank you for sharing and relating. Good luck to you!

    • Yes!! Me, too. I’m much more aware of my patterns and cycles. It’s taken a long time, and I won’t always hem get it right, but one day at a time!

      Thank you Tiffany! I appreciate you relating and sharing. I’m very much enjoying reading your journey.

  6. Been there done that, still do it too! It’s hard to stay on track. Keep up the fight but never deprive, an occasional cheat doesn’t have to bring grief…work it off that guilt and leave it be. 😘

    • Thanks for sharing, WB! That’s what I try to do: forgive myself, and move on. Sometimes easier said than done, but I’m trying! And ‘working it off’ can be very fun! 😜

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